Just Need To Vent /:

So I'm 17 years old and it has been years since I have had any "real" friends... (In fact, now that I think of it, I have never had any real friends, because if I did then they would still be my friends and I would have no reason to post this...)   Summer is half way over and I have yet to do anything with any of my "friends" except for going out 2 or 3 times...  I often sit in my room alone and cry cursing god and every one around me. No body knows i do this, and this is the first time I have ever exposed it. I have absolutely no body to talk to and express my feelings to... I may sound depressed, but truth is im far from it. Depression is actually a physical disease. In all honesty, i'm just lonely. Just about everybody that I have ever trusted has walked out of my life, the ONLY person and I literally mean the ONLY person whose yet to walk out on me is my mom...but the thing is, we have the typical teenage-parent relationship and their is no way in hell id ever open up to her, lol. But other than my mom, everybody i ever trusted walked in my life and walked out just as fast. My dad left when I was a child, all my friends began changing and since I refused to change with them I got left out and now its to the point where I have absolutely no real friends. Its not that people don't like me, because in school or whenever I go to the gym people always gravitate towards me just to have small talk, but it rarely goes past that... Also i'v never had a girlfriend... Their have been a decent amount of girls that said they liked me, but I never  tried anything with them because I didn't have feelings for them.(now that I look back at it..I probably should of messed around with one or two of them...) The 3 or 4 girls that I have liked and actually attempted to pursue all ended badly, although I never pursued a girl who I wasn't sure had at least some feelings for me. I just tend to go after the girls who are damn near impossible to get.

Feeling betrayed by the people I considered "friends" and by my dad has left me with very bitter feelings towards the world. Being a "nice guy" is in my nature, but the only thing it gets me is walked all over... which just makes me trusting anybody even harder. I'm now at the point where I KNOW for a fact that their is absolutely no body that i can trust and if by some miracle I ever get lucky enough to meet in person the one or two still genuine people on this earth and befriend them I would never be able to completely open up to them because of my history.... Thats part of what eats me up inside the most. I want more than anything to find just one person that i can trust and talk to, but i dont see myself allowing that to happen because everytime i let down my guard in the past I just end up alone...

Im not by any means looking for any sympathy of any kind. I have never done anything like this and the information I am sharing has never been shared before, but its just getting to the point where its eating me up inside and Im just looking for reasons to keep on trucking... What really led me to post here is that I was thinking of the song "going through changes" by eminem and for some reason, ever since I first heard it when it dropped a month or so ago I often find myself singing the lyrics in my head, "why do I act like I’m all high and mighty when inside i'm dieing, I am finally realizing I need help" Sounds strange, but those lyrics ringing back and forth in my head are the only reason I finally swallowed my pride and decided to share my feelings....I'm sharing them with random *** people on the internet...but i'm still sharing them none the less.
timeless12 timeless12
18-21
Jul 28, 2010