I Have No Friends

When I was younger I always had a best friend and several other friends we would have sleepovers and go to the skating rink and what not, when I got to high school I was "friends" or more like acquaintances with all people- stoners, losers, nerds, preps, gangsters. When I was younger I was always a shy more quiet type, I am an only child. Growing up my parents were reclusive drunks, they eventually divorced. I started getting into the wrong things. I am from Denver, CO.  When I was 14 my mom met a new guy, who worked for the railroad who then got a job transfer to Arkansas (of all places), my mother and him went out there first and left me behind with my Grandmother to finish out the school year, I was very much into the partying and "gangster" life of the 90's and doing whatever I wanted sneaking out at night and being promiscuious and what not, my Grandma or anybody coludn't have contained me had they tried. Inevitably, I was told that I was  coming to Arkansas for Christmas vacation along with my mothers boyfriend's two older boys. Little did I know that on the day that it was time to fly back home they were going back and I wasn't. I had been betrayed and tricked. To never see my friends, my cat, most of my belongings, and the life that I had known ever again. Needless to say I rebelled like HELL. I made the conscious decision to stop trying at school, to not want to be friends with any inbred Arkansas people. I'm sure that you can imagine the culture shock from Denver to Arkansas (not even Little Rock, but somewhere that you never heard of.) I fell into a deep depressive slump, I eventually tried getting in with some local kids my mother sabotaged that too, long story short I ended up having a friend break me out of my house at midnight,  I then took my money that I had saved for a year from my job at Burger King out of the bank, jumping on a Greyhound bus back to Denver to stay with a guy that I had been seeing there nearly a year before ( I had been keeping in touch with.)  I was there for about a month before I got picked up I was pulled over in a car after curfew then arrested (I had been reported as a runaway.) I spent about a month in juvenile detention before I was bussed back to Arkansas. Still hated it, but did what I had to do to get off probation here for some previous charges, did real good at school so I could get my GED and get out of that **** hole of a school. Ended up in a foster home because I couldn't get along with my Mom and her husband. Finally got released out of foster care to my aunt, then went back to my moms. Was working full time at Sonic at 16 years old, met some guy that ordered a chilli cheese coney, knew him for about a month (he was 19) we got married. I was emancipated. My mom and her husband wanted that probably more than I did. We partied all the time. That marriage only lasted for 9 months (big surprise.) I then moved in with other family in another town and continued to work, was partying all the time, partied with people- yes, had friends-no. At 20 I stopped partying. I spent 5 very lonely years by myself, I didn't want to go out and have sex and where I was at just really didn't have the opportunity to meet anybody, I finally went with a guy that was my cousins friend, that was another of my many mistakes, I went celibate for 2 more years met a guy at a bar, I almost never called him, we went out, we clicked I did lower my standards for that one I had always said that I would never go out with anyone that already had kids, but you know what? In Arkansas that is pretty hard to find. He had a troubled daughter ( he only saw her every other weekend, her mother was a crack *****), I had no prior experience with kids, it was difficult she didn't accept me, her mother could do no wrong on top of that the guy had another woman that was before me that him and the girl were attached to, he would leave me, go back to her, I loved him so I gave him another chance, (stupid me- f me once shame on you, f me twice shame on me) he left me again to go back to her leaving me alone with concert tickets on my birthday, I ended up getting a hold of an old acquaintance to go with me, he ended up trying to come back to me again, I had already gone out and tried to fill the void my aunt knew some people and I met him there wouldn't you know he had the exact same first and middle name as the last guy? WTF! We tried dating right away he broke away, he wasn't the settling down type, he had 2 kids and was still in love with his ex wife. I waited a while met this guy on a personals site he was very charming, the type of guy that I usually went out with, I had seen him for a couple months at that time I  liked him very mauch and I was already wrapped up in it. He then confessed to me that he already had a girlfriend, but assured me that he would get rid of her. Here comes naive me again, I believed him, at this point in my life after so much lonliness and failure I was really wanting for it to be my turn and I had decided that if someone wasn't going to give it to me then I was going to take it, that you can't wait around for life to fall in your lap that you have to go out and take it. Wrong again. I had never been in a relationship longer than 9 months (when I was married at 16) I come from a line of strong women I have no men in my life so I guess I just don't take crap to well. I was up front with the guy that I had purposely stopped taking birth control (it was now or never) I got pregnant (he already had 3 kids 13,13, & 14) (I always go for older men) ,it was the first time that I had ever been pregnant, I lost the baby at 8 weeks yet another failure the guy was so unsympathetic the day that I found out he pushed me away and I went to stay in a motel down the road by myself, I was very drunk, he never got rid of the girlfriend I found out thanks to the lovely  world of MySpace. Never really heard from him again. Went back to the personals and tried again. Found a really great guy after 3 months was up front about not being on birth control, he was quite a bit older than me and had no kids- it was like a dream come true a guy with no baggage. Being together in that short amount of time I don't feel like the relationship ever really got to the magnitude that it should have , I was pregnant and I thought he was just holding back because of that. I figured that once the pregnancy was over it would surely get to where it should be. The baby was born and  I lost all the weight and I went back to work and everything, during those months he slowly stopped doing all of the things that make a relationship talking, showing affection, sex. My body is not like it used to be. But if you love somebody I don't think that matters. We argued, it seems taht he never stopped caring for his ex-wifes kids- that were not his, he has not put her phone numbers on the reject list in his phone, he doesn't talk like  he has plans for us to be together forever, I think he is ruined from his last marriage, so he won't ever marry me. I have brought it up several times that I want to feel loved more, I decided to push it to try and get some sort of reaction I tried a different approach he won't talk to me and just says that I am picking on him, the first time we fought I had told him that I put his ex-wifes phone number on the reject list, I checked the phone again and it was back off the reject list that same day I had discovered from the computer history that he had been to his ex-wifes myspace page whe had also been logged in that day, he claims that he didn't talk to her and that he was only there to check on her kids which is another big issue because those are not his children, not his problem and I think he is a damn fool if he thinks they haven't already found someone else to call daddy and live off of for free, I think that it is just an excuse to keep her in his life. I t hurts me because we have a baby and a family together but here he is worried about someone else's.  I was then irate but decided not to smash things and yelled and ended up throwing a drink at him and putting a notebooks worth of paper all around the house that said LIAR on each sheet. Took the SIM card out of his phone and left the disassembled phone there with a note that said call her now. I told him I flushed the SIM card down the toilet ( I didn't). Another problem is that he has alot of friends, which alot are women I also found another text message on the phone that some woman that I don't know had said I have 3 tattoos and a piercing, he then responded you'll have to show me sometime, she said I will have to wear the right shirt. I confronted him about who was this person he said it was someone named Jennifer that he used to know that he recently saw in Walmart. After the fight he took my phone called both of our families within an hour and told them that it was over, when I got home the next day he was gone, he didn't come home the next day, or the next day I then took the baby and went to my families house which is about an hour away, I have no friends, or anyone close by. I came home the next day he was here. I continued to harp about it to get some answers and get some kind of resolution, when I was here alone with the baby I saw that one person is not enough. I tried talking to him, tried yelling at him, wrote him letters, tried being nice and taking all the blame, he never tried talking to me or would never hug me or kiss me or beg me to stay. We had planned to go camping a while before, the plan was for me to take off half a day on friday so we could go. He then got a call from his friend that they wanted him to come up early, he told me he was going I said no and cried that I was being left in the dust with my feelings and thoughts ignored. He was still unresponsive to me, I came home from work on Tuesday, he was gone again at least this time I found a note - he needs space, he's not happy, here is $120 to meet me at camp. I told him I was not going if he left me, I came up with 5 good reasons not to go. So here I am AGAIN alone to take care of the baby by myself with no friends to turn to and no family nearby (his family lives in Wisconsin). He's out somewhere sleeping with who knows who and having a good time with all of his friends not thinking about me at all. Here I am on some website crying about how I have nobody.