Ok well I just feel the need to vent w/o anyone really knowing who I am... Life is kinda sucks right now... I'm a single mother of 2 young children. The father is not in the picture and is now just starting to pay child support. My ex like to hit me, cheat...u name it he did it(i'm not kidding)... He wasn't always like that... I should have seen the signs, but I was young and dumb... straight out of high school. I was the party girl in high school. I didn't give a **** about anyone or anything. I was always high... I got together w/ my ex and he was the same way and when we moved in together all of a sudden he didn't want me to do anything. No drug(which was a good thing) no friends because they were bad influences... which some of them may have been, but these were my decisions to make not his. My best friend told me he called her and told her not to talk to me anymore(which btw he ended up sleeping w/ her). I finally got out of the relationship about a year ago, but now feel that I will never find someone. Not that I really want someone at this time anyways...but at the end of the day when everyone is asleep and i'm alone in this big *** bed it would be nice for someone to be next to me. I know that this will most likely never happen, because I've given up on men. I don't think that men can be faithful... they can be for a little while maybe 3 years the most, but after that they will cheat. Plus men only want 1 thing from me anyways. I'm not the "take home to ur mother" type of girl... I'm the girl u have a 1 night stand w/. The girl u have fun w/. Anyways besides the loneliness and the insecurities money is tight between the every day collection calls telling me what I can turn off or cut down on to pay them and my kids asking me for thing I can't give them I feel very overwhelmed and like a bad mother. So I starting doing something that makes me feel even worse about myself so I can have money to pay for things which brings us back to "i'll never be w/ a man" thing again. No good man(if there is one out there) is gonna want to have anything to do w/ a woman like me that's done the things that i have done. I would never tell a man about these things and what relationship is good w/ secrets? I can say that I'm in school right know trying to better myself not just for me, but for my kids also. I'm trying, but sometimes I feel like I'm not gonna make it though school, though life hell. I feel like I'm not good enough for my kids. I wanna be a better mother! I know that every1 get mad at there kids and yells sometimes, but sometimes I feel like that's all I'm doing... yelling and I hate it. I don't wanna yell at them I wanna be calm and sometimes I can, but most the time I can't I just get so mad. I find myself saying I'm sorry to them a lot. I think it just may be all the stress, but that's not their fault. They just want my attention and it's difficult to give them all the attention they need when I have to cook and clean(which I'm not doing a very good job at) and do homework and study... but I won't give up I'm gonna keep trying. I'm not asking for any1s sympathy or anything. I know that I'm where I'm at because of the choices I made and now I just have to deal w/ it. I just wanted to vent so i could just feel a little better.