Lonely.Apart from the four friends I've made in the last year online, I have no "real life" friends. I've never been one to have a whole group of friends, only a few, but I lost those when I left school due to bullying in 2009. They weren't genuine nor did they really care about me as a person; they even enjoyed and watched on as I was bullied by others; it's like that got some kind of satisfaction out of it . However, being that they were all I had in school, I continued to hang around with them.
I've forgotten what it feels like to have friends. I crave friendship constantly—I wish I had a friend to go to for support, for advice, for opinions, for social interaction, for help, to have fun with. Someone who genuinely cares about me, who's interested in getting to know me, who accepts me as I am despite my faults. But instead, I'm lonely. I won't say that I am alone, because no one is ever truly alone, and my online friends are keeping me sane, but I am certainly lonely. I don't go anywhere due to anxiety and agoraphobia issues, I'm shy and lack social skills, and I live in a very small town that doesn't require a whole lot of opportunities at meeting people.
I envy people who have had a friend, or friends, since they were young; a childhood friend that even to this day they are still connected to, to the point where they're practically family. I've never had that. I have no idea what it feels like, I can only imagine. I worry that I'll be lonely forever, having only myself to rely on, that I'll never be able to experience what true friendship feels like. I will admit, though, that finding the friendship that I have online has shown me that it's not impossible for me to be liked as a person, and for someone to be interested in me enough to form a friendship with me. However, not being able to see my online friends, and physically hang out with them, is what I'm sad about missing out the most.
I've heard that if you have other people around you, you're not alone. I don't agree—having people around you is entirely different to having people you can rely on and trust. I can be in a room full of people, but will they all be there for me, by my side through the thick and the thin? No. But that's what I want.
I don't care for quantity, I care for quality—one true friend is all I need, if that's all I was given.