Lonely

i have no friends, even as a youth i did things, some not so nice, to be a part of a group,it seems i usually went overboard, i am considering suicide, the pain of being lonely is to great, even my children don't like me, the last thing my mother said to me was ,you never were any good,out of 8 kids i was the only one beaten by my father, at one point while being thrown to the floor, he even kicked me in the stomach, when i ran he had me arrested for running away