I Talk To Myself.I'm 25 years old. I grew up in England in a small town where everybody knew everybody. I had friends growing up. Lots of different kinds of friends. Friends that were like family. Friends who would listen to my drama over and over and analyze every point of it over and over. Friends who stuck up for me. I was never alone. Even as an only child. In Elementary school I had friends. Friends who would invite me over to play princesses and friends who would we would take on vacation so I had somebody to play with. In high school I had friends that I would practice dance routines over and over again and to this day i know them all. Friends who would let me copy there homework. Friends who would let me down gently when the guy i liked didn't like me back. In college I had friends that would look after me after drinking too much beer. Friends who would tell me I wasn't getting fat even if I was. In University I had a whole bunch of new and different friends. Who I lived with. We would drink, dance and sing all night. Then we would all complain the next morning how badly we felt...
After University though....things changed. I was 21 years old. In a horrible relationship. With no job prospects. Living with my overbearing parents. I had to leave. And leave I did. I'd told a few friends that I was moving to Canada for a year to get some travel experience. Only one friend came out with me the night before i left to celebrate. I figured everybody was busy planning their new lives after Uni. After a year in Canada I decided to stay. I told my friends via Facebook and I even went home to visit. I was there for 3 months. I saw a few friends everybody was pretty busy. Without a final word I left again. I wondered how long it would take for anybody to notice. I decided to start fresh in Canada. And as retarded as it may sound its taken me around 2 years to realize.... I have no friends. In England...or Canada.
Now before I start sounding depressed let me tell you this. I have a great job. I have lost 60pounds and now weigh 120 I'm super fit as my job is riding and training dressage horses. I live on a beautiful farm surrounded by fields. I drive a bright red sports car. Ride a 50 thousand dollar horse. and I even have a boyfriend. Not just a boyfriend. My soul mate. I'm in love. But....I have not one friend. My boyfriend grew up in the local town and so he has all his friends and maybe I could count them as my friends but...well to be honest if me and my boyfriend broke up....not one of them would contact me. I've tried to be friends with my boyfriends friends girlfriends...but most of them are having babies. Which is something I am not interested in. I have nothing in common with any of them. Me and my boyfriend constantly invite them to my farm to hang out and have beers or invite them out to places we are going to....they never come...theres always an excuse. I'd like to say that we are the same and we just look after ourselves now because we are sick of being let down by them...but my boyfriend is a dedicated friend. we go to everything they invite us to.
My boyfriends friends will come over if i'm not home. They'll invite him out in the week. The girls post pictures of them all out eating dinner. Or at a bar. I've never been invited. I never tell any of his friends the lucky lifestyle I have. I wouldn't boast i'm not like that. If my boyfriends not around I sit at home talking to myself or my cats. I sit on Facebook for hours hoping somebody might come online that I could talk to. I write to my friends in England asking them how they are and what they've been upto. They never write back. I don't know what I did wrong. Sometimes if i'm at work...and i work alone by the way so theres no work friends. I'll just cry. Because sometimes i really believe my horse could kick me in the head and i could die...and nobody would notice. It's so hard being the odd one out. I didn't grow up with these people. I feel so alone. if it wasn't for my job and my boyfriend and the amazing kindness of my boss and her family which are like a second family to me. I'd have gone home by now. I try to tell my boyfriend....he doesn't understand.
If anybody has any tips or advice....i could do with the help.
Lostmk 22-25, F 2 Responses 0 May 31, 2012