Loneliness

I thought she was my best friend. She was the only friend I had and hung around with since junior high school. I had never thought she would leave me.

It was my sophomore year when her cousin entered our high school as a freshman. At our high school, freshman has different lunch time than the rest of the students. The sign was clear to me when the freshman was allowed to joint lunch with the rest of the students. She did not wait for me like usual so I thought she was not at school that day. Only, to later learn she went out to lunch with her cousin. I didn’t think too much of it. When Star test came, I fear I will have to have lunch alone again. The nightmare came true.

I intentionally, went to the bathroom, the location we usually meet and wait for each other. The bathroom was around the corner as I walked and she along with her cousin passed me. All she could tell me was “see you in a bit.” I felt so hurt that I choose not to attend classes in the afternoon. I went home and cried. There was no one to comfort me, nothing to stop the flow of blood from my wounded heart. I thought she was my friend, although we were very different. After being hurt so much, I came to the understanding that it was my illusion that we were friends. We were just acquaintance and she seeks my company because she doesn’t want to be alone. When she found someone else, she left me even knowing very well that I only hung around her.

After Star Testing was over she waited for me as usual as though nothing happen. I never told her a thing of how I feel. I thought she probably does not mean to hurt me. The more I think about it, the more I started to come to the understanding that she does not care how I feel or she never thought of how I would feel. Even now, I see her once in a while, but I never told her how she hurt me.

When I became a junior in high school, we rarely hang around each other anymore. She was with her cousin and I was a loner. Sometimes, I ate my lunch with girls I know and on many occasions, I ate with my sister and her friends and then left the cafeteria alone.

I made the decision that I will be stronger. I will have courage and I will be on my own two feet. I made a vow to myself that I will not just look; I will be the best I can and do the best I can and be someone that I am proud of. I wanted to be better than she ever was. That drives me to find confident within me, to open up and for once stand on equal ground my social anxiety.

Ever since then, I did not have anyone I can call close friend or real friend. I crave for this deep friendship. When I think about it, I have never had a real friendship. I remember being ditch by the so called friends. Even when I try to make new friends, people just doesn’t ask me to hang out. I just can’t connect with them. It is like they don’t want to know me; it is just me that want to know them. I was willing to go out of my comfortable zone just to get to know them and yet things never work out.