Thoughts On Why...

I think I don't have friends, or at least lasting ones, because I'm terrified of them. Every friendship I have ever had in my life has ended and it's been very painful each time. I still remember in grade school when a girl gave me one of those half heart best friend necklaces and then the next day asked for it back so she could give it to someone else! She will never know how that stayed with me and hurt me so much, I hate the feeling of getting dumped by a friend. I have been telling myself that I would rather have no one than that.
I think people either sense this on some level, or that maybe I have gotten so used to doing things by myself that they assume I already have lots of friends or something.
I don't have a lot of things in common with my peers, especially other girls. Probably from the bad experiences I've had, I'm sure there are people out there I would get along with but every time I start to form a "friendship" of some kind it just gets to be too much for me, hanging out with them feels like a fan constantly blowing on my face. I feel pressured to reciprocate every single action, if they give me a glass of wine I feel like I have to bring a bottle the next time, or if they give me vegetables from their garden I feel like I have to START a garden so I can supply them with a bumper crop of produce. It just doesn't come naturally to me, I'm rusty or something. I just don't feel like bothering though because every time I do I either freak out and have to detach myself or the relationship ends and I'm hurt.
I'm too obsessed with being perfect to risk screwing up in front of someone. I'm too occupied with my health, how clean my house is, being a good daughter, being the perfect employee, etc. to go sit around and listen to a girl talk about her sister she's fighting with or her new laundry detergent.
Dreamfish Dreamfish
Sep 8, 2012