Lost All My Freinds... Is It My Fault?

Where to start... i had a close group of friends basically since 7th grade. have suffered from social anxiety and depression most of my life, but i still found comfort in my cirlcle. Then about a year ago i decided to fight my social anxiety. I won, i got a girlfriend, i gained confidence. I was actually happy for the first time in my life, it was amazing. Then one of my "friends" was sabotaging my relationship behind my back, constantly causing major issues in my relationship for no reason... it caused so much stress for me. I felt that if i lost her... i would lose everything i gained mentally... luckily she eventually found out the lies. He told her she was worthless and they stopped speaking... major weight off the shoulders.

THEN, one of my friends who also suffers from social anxiety and depression was so drunk that a girl called me around 11 pm (I'm home at the time) laughing her *** off to come see him (they were out in the country, kind of in the middle of nowhere)... i didn't find it funny but decided to go, sadly i wasn't thinking at the time so i forgot that i should bring some spare clothes and a towel for him even though nobody asked. I went down, everyone was drunk ( I don't drink ). My friend wasn't making any sense, he was covered in his own **** and puke... I had some random guy constantly trying to fight me even though i never said one word to him, didn't know who he was. Then my friend starts to **** on my car? for no reason... so i tell him to stop, he won't, so i curse him out because i'm so irritated (which i regret, really immature of me). He then flips his ****, chases me and screams drunk gibberish about how "He is the king, he is going to kill me, all i ever do is **** on him" (Which i don't understand... i always thought he was a close friend because we both suffered from similar issues... i completely understood what he was going through when others would just make fun.) so he finally walks off, i say i'm leaving, i make sure my friend has a sober driver, an acquaintance named Kelly said he was (Apparently he's a ******* liar) I Get in my car, turn on the engine, lock the doors, plug in my ipod, look for a song. then out of nowhere BANG BANG on my passenger side window, my friend is punching my passengers side window, bare fist, as hard as he can, the glass is indenting in because he's hitting it so hard. So i scream STOP, WHAT THE **** ARE YOU DOING, i paniced and drove up assuming i would get away from him and save his fist and my window. I get out of the car and a girl says "YOU'RE AN ******* BRYCE" i can't even explain my confusion, i look at my friend, he's all cut up, his face is scraped.... apparently he was holding on to my passenger side door handle with the other hand that wasn't punching to keep his drunk *** balanced. so when i drove up to get away, he was dragged. HOW WAS I TO KNOW THAT? The next day at school all my friends said i did it on purpose even though none of them were there. I would never do anything like that on purpose, if i would have known, i would have let him blow up my whole ******* car... he can pay for it when he sobers up.
So i lose all my friends, but hey at least i have my gf...
THEN she starts talking to the guy who sabotaged our relationship again... i can't believe it, i'm so hurt that i shut myself off from the world, didn't know what to do, constantly cancelled plans, even considered running away and living in my car at some point, i was a mess... then when i found out she was hanging out with all my ex friends... i completely lost it. Called her a ***** (She cheated on me with the guy who sabotaged our relationship a while back, plus she had sex with one of my friends already before we started dating, my heart was constantly being beaten up) I still regretted what i said later on and apologized, it was a moment of weakness. We obviously separated, so now I'm left friendless, flip flopping on whether or not this is all just a life changing misunderstanding, or maybe i should have handled everything differently and it's completely my fault... it hurts. I can barely eat, i can barely function, i feel so whiny saying it but i truly want to to die, even though my problems aren't that big into comparison with others... i just feel so insignificant that taking my life either wont matter or ill be doing the world a favor. All i do is bring people down.
Bryce123451 Bryce123451
4 Responses Sep 22, 2012

oh mate, you DO NOT bring people down!!
they just maske you feel like you do...time to make some friends who will appreciate you for who you really are. They sound like a bunch of idiots! x

It's not the end of your world pal...look beyond..and you can find more friends who are genuine, you can rely on and you can count on...just look up...and understand we are here...

chalk it up to a lesson learned in life... the friends you had were clearly not your friends, THEY are insignificant, not you! i know it bums you out because they weren't who you thought they were. dust yourself off and know that you deserve better... remember that feeling of happiness? you can feel happy again, and it will feel amazing again. just let them all go... and you move forward, lesson learned... new friendships that have value are waiting for you, and you WILL have another gf again, except one that respects you and herself.

You're old friends seem to be jerks. It's not your fault they're gone, the world can be a pretty messed up place sometimes.