Single Mom In My 40's And I Have No Friends

I can't believe I am writing this, but I am feeling desperate....

I am an attractive and intelligent 42 year old single mom and my life involves working and sleeping. That is it, NOTHING else. This is not what I want or ever expected my life to be, but it is the reality.
I honestly have no friends, or anyone to talk to or do things with. I really do not know why. My former close friends are now all mostly married and have nothing to do with me. I try to keep in touch etc. and make plans but I get zero reciprocation, and it hurts me so bad that I have given up. I have had some wonderful friends who I have had a lot of fun with, but they always seem to wane away and erase me from their life. I had a great friend a few years ago that I was very close to, we did everything together and had soooooo much fun, but then she just abruptly stopped talking to me cold turkey, with no explanation or reason. I tried so hard to maintain our friendship but I was ignored. It felt like a break up....but this seems to be a common pattern with many, if not all of my close friendships.

When I am at work I get along with everyone, and have even had people point out how well I always get along with everyone and stay how I stay out of the BS (I work with all females and is usually a lot of drama) I have a great sense of humour and always have a lot of laughs and great conversations at work (on break etc) It is a whole different story once I leave work. I get home and I suddenly become lonely and sad as I have no friends or anyone to talk to about my day or anyone who even cares. I work shift work and I work 4 on and 5 off and on those 5 days off, I honestly do nothing. I have nothing to do or no one to do anything with. I again, do not know how it ever got to this and have no idea how to make it better. As I said, I have tried to stay connected to my previous close friends, but they always seem like it is such an effort for them to hang out with me, so I gave up.

I do suffer from depression, I have for years but have always been a very high functioning depressed person. No one but my family or former close friends know that I suffer from this. I have done very well through psycho therapy and medications, but I am now again feeling so depressed because I have no friends and essentially no life. I feel my teenage daughter is also suffering from my lack of social life as she is starting to ask me why I/we never do anything fun.....

I have actually even stooped to the lowest level and broke down and told one of my (former) friends how lonely and desperate I am to have a friend and/or a social life and she apologized profusely and said she would
try harder to be a better friend, and then I never heard from her.
I know I am too nice to people and have been told this many times, but I don't know how this makes me a bad person or someone people don't want to be friends with??? A good example of this happened just last week...saw a former very close friend at work, (she works in a different dep't than me, but we bump into each other a lot at work) She went on and on and was in tears about how stressed out she was and how she can't keep up with her hectic schedule. I offered to help her in any way I could, even offered to paint for her, which I hate. She said she didn't want to burden me with her problems and said she knew I was busy enough. I immediately told her I definitely was NOT busy and that in fact I get very bored on my days off and needed things to do. I offered her advice on a subject I knew quite a bit about and even did some further research for her and made some phone calls for her. I have heard nothing back from her and I was just informed that the main reason for her high stress is that she is organizing a huge going away party for one of her 'current' friends.

I know I am rambling on, but I just feel so isolated and lonely right now and I am so tired of having nobody to talk to. I just wish I knew why I drive people away or make people forget I exist. I have also had very bad luck with men, but that is a whole other story....

Thank you for taking the time to read my story....

I
jilly1970 jilly1970
41-45, F
18 Responses Sep 24, 2012

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. You are clearly an amazing and dedicated
Mom and have always put yourself last and now it
Would be nice to enjoy a night out or a hobby! What about joining a gym and doing classes? Also a church perhaps may lead you to some wonderful kind and loving new friends.

This is me to a T. Im located in the st Louis area. I don't really have any friends but some of the reason is due to not knowing anyone who is a good fit. I don't like leaving my son all the time to hang out but the people I know......I wouldn't necessarily want my son being influenced by them or their kids. We have totally different values etc. So maybe I don't have any friends because I'm too picky....

I'm 39 with kids also. I'm in the same boat. No friends and I'm distant to my family also. No relationship. I work 10 to 12 hrs a day sometimes. But on my days off I want to go out and do things but I have none to do them with. I had friends but just like you they all got married or we just stopped talking for whatever reasons. I'm also depressed,but I try not to harp on it. My kids notice this also ..I just try to keep up appearances for them. Its getting harder and harder each day.

I saw your post and I know it is old but I am in a similar situation. I am 32 and have 2 daughters ages 12 and 10. I do a lot of things with them and I love it but I feel I have lost myself in being only a mother; I have no other identity except that. I no longer have any friends and I do have family but there is a difference between family and friends. I don't even know how to really talk to people anymore and I do know deep down I am suffering from some depression. I appear happy to my family but they don't really understand how I feel inside. Everyone I know is married, I am the only single person in my family. My ex husband is no longer in my daughters life and its just been us for 8 years now. Just wish I could meet people in similar situation that would understand and I wouldn't feel so alone.

I am also a single parent and got out of the military 2 years ago. I do also feel the same way. My depression comes and goes, and the one friend I did make when I got home I feel I'm pushing away. She doesn't seem to understand how I'm feeling and I just wish I had more people to talk to. It really does suck when you are feeling lonely and depressed with no one to talk to. Also, feel free to message me if you need someone to talk to. Thanks.

I've just come across your thread. I know it's old but I am feeling the same way, I'm trying to understand ways I can make friends as I am so lonely. I can't really talk with my family as they don't understand. I'm a single parent who is isolated and lonely.
How did you get on, how did you make friends without appearing desperate lol. Hope life is treating you better. Xx

Hi, I am in similar position. Sowwould you like a friend. Give me a shout. :)))

I thought I was the only one makes me feel a little more better about this. My only issues is I literally have like zero friends none in my phone contacts to even text. I kinda talk to people at work but they hang out and stuff and I'm sometimes forgotten I am a little shy. I just wish sometimes I had atleast one girlfriend to talk to about my problems and listen to hers. We should all be friends. But anyways good luck take care

I feel the same way .I feel invisible know one wants to go anywhere with me I'm a single mother with 3 boys all my energy goes to them and the few friends I have I feel as if I'm a burden when I even mention hanging out having girl time. A lot of times I just feel left out and honestly wonder if it's something wrong with me . What Is it people do to get loved or have people want to be around them? I deal with major depression and anxiety also so I understand exactly what you're going through. My only advice start by doing something you enjoy or use to enjoy doing get a pedicure or hair done to make you feel beautiful . Go see a funny movie and hang with your daughter to have girl time. Do something small every day just for you. And you'll start to realize your worth it and people not wanting to hang with you is their lost not your lost if people see you going ahead loving yourself and life they'll flock to you. Your not alone I don't know you but my heart befriends you good luck.

Hi
not sure if you get this now as it is a old post I am a single mum in my 40s with no family/friends get lonely.if you want to e mail me please do mindthetree@gmail.com
lisa

Its like reading my life story. 2 children aged 6 and 7. My work is work, mummy - repeat. I have friends but I have to make all the effort otherwise nothing happens. As for dating, its non-existent and I really wish it wasn't. I know people who jump from one relationship to another without pause but I suppose I'm just not the sort of person men want to date. Find myself in a bit of a slump and really don't know how to get out of it.

Sounds like my life.... :( i have a boyfriend who i need to leave but dont because than ill be with no friends and no boyfriend. At least he calls me or visits me every once in a while and for those few hours i feel like i at least have 1 person to talk to at that moment:/

my life to a t. What have you done in the past year and a half? Have things changed for the better?

Wow....this is my life exactly. I have no idea how to fix it. Im looking for answers myself.

Wow. Your story sounds like mine

I just want you to know you are not alone. There are many of us here in the same situation. Your story so hits home with many. You have a friend here.

Hi,
I know this is very late since your original posting but I sympathize with you, me being in the same situation. I try to supplement by being in the public every Friday by taking my mom and son to a dinner and movie so as to try and stay in touch with civilization. That makes all of us feel better, but it is so nice to just have a girlfriend to hang out with like to anywhere like a mall, casino, bar or even just at home. The one friend that often called me in recent years and we'd usually just talk on the phone or I'd go over her house or she'd come over, died. So I was like if they don't stop calling, then this is the other way. All boils down to no more friends. The one thing that I did not realize in the past is to try and stay in touch through phone calls. I did it naturally, not on purpose. Then when I realized I have no more friends, I realized that maintaining a friendship is a conscious effort. You mentioned that your friends are really tied up. This may very well be true. How nice to have a tied up life, right. So don't write them off, just once in a while send them greetings or just checking up on you phone calls. A good one is holidays. Like this past Easter, sending Happy Easter text messages to people. That always keeps them and you in remembrance. And does not overload people. It is a nice gesture. I'd also say definitely take your daughter places. It is not like you are completely by yourself, so enjoy her presence and celebrate her. How wonderful to have a daughter. Don't act like its dooms day, especially when God has blessed you with a daughter. But I do understand the Down times because I suffer from depression as well and you know how we can blow things out of proportion very easily and end up plummeting down the road of seemingly no return. Be encouraged. Know that you are not alone. Say a prayer, then go treat yourself to a dinner out, sometimes you and your daughter and sometimes just you. Hope you get to read this, but better yet, hope your situation has changed by now. Love and Peace.

I can relate to your story, not really having had an actual friend since my twenties. Perhaps it's in the nature of friendships to be finite things relevant to a particular time and setting. My pattern through most of life has been to have had many acquaintances and working relationships but few friends who largely move away or go into relationships from which I'm excluded.