The Conondrum Of The Never Lasting Friends

So. This is my first post on this website.

I am 19 years old and starting my second year of college. I have a great boyfriend who has been my best friend and companion for a few years. But I have never had a best friend outside of my boyfriend.

A boyfriend isn't the same as a best friend is it? In some ways it could be seen as better or deeper because your in love with your significant other. But there are just some things and ways that your boyfriend or girlfriend just can't fulfill.

I've never considered any friends I've had in my life as best friends, even if they had said we were. Over highschool the few friends i considered closest left me one way or another.

The first one ditched me for other newer friends even when I tried to put effort back in our relationship.

Another stopped talking to me because she got pregnant and had social/family issues to deal with and wouldn't let me in.

And finally the other girl I considered closest with has changed over time. I wont go into details, just that she puts up with people who are terrible to her and what she says doesn't match how she acts

Even at our closest I've never shared my darkest secrets and worst fears. I've never felt truly comfortable with them and them with me.

I grew up like every other kid trying to "fit in" with a certain group or kind of people. Even now I still havn't found that place for me. Its like im a weird hybrid who is so mixed with every kind of person I just can't find anyone like me. Im nerdy and I love video games and fantasy stuff but i'm still not nerdy enough, I love to party and smoke but not I'm not wild enough, I love being down to earth and I have strong morals but I'm not righteous enough, I like talking about political and social issues but I'm not an expert like just seems like this kind of detachment pops up with everyone I meet.

Over the years I've gone through the self doubt of my own self worth, questioning what I'm doing wrong, and beating myself up and worrying.

I just feel like I'm in the middle. And that I'll always be in the middle to people. People will never hate me but they'll never really love me either.

I try to focus on loving myself, being productive and doing things that I want/need to focus on, but there are times where I see my boyfriend and his best friends or people i don't even know who seem like the best of friends and I just can't fight off the feelings of envy and jealousy. That I don't have the memories and relationship that they have. I havn't had a girls night in a few years and there are sometimes when me and my boyfriend are having troubles I have no one to talk to it about. I'm not close to my parents at all either.

This effects my relationship with my boyfriend as well because I feel like without my boyfriend I would ultimately be alone. I wouldn't be able to share my feelings or thoughts with anyone freely. I don't want to NEED him though because thats not a healthy relationship, but thankfully over time I have improved on being clingy. Now it just comes down to a few times a month where I cry on the phone to him or send him some emotional text message. I feel guilty when I feel sad too sometimes because I know that its not me. I just feel like I'm not myself so much sometimes and I just want to be happy for him and for myself.

Right now I'm in a place of self confidence and self discovery so to speak thankfully. I try to focus my spare time on things that will build me and up and not build me down.

I still feel that empty feeling from time to time however and sometimes it hurts just as badly as did in the past at its worst.

I've read other people's stories on here as well, and I've come to the conclusion that we friendless people are people who are mostly sweet and sensitive and we just want to be loved and love. It seems like so many of us have amazing qualities of friendship but people just don't see how special we are or they take advantage of us.

I know there has to be a best friend for all of us somewhere out there.

NagemD NagemD
18-21, F
3 Responses Nov 26, 2012

The paragraph about being a "weird hybrid" could have been something I wrote myself. You put it better than I ever have and I'd never thought about it being like that - "nerdy but not nerdy enough, political but not political enough" - but that's exactly how I feel. Inadequacy is a difficult hurdle to jump.
I don't have any solutions to offer because I'm in the exact same scenario but I wanted to let you know you're not alone. I don't know if that makes you feel any better but there's got to be people around where you live who are like us too.

It really does make me feel happiness to know there are others who are in the same boat and your comments mean a lot. Thank You. I hope we can find others who are near us who can understand.

Best Wishes

You sound alot like me my freshman and sophmore year. I decided to quit the boyfriend, transfer and start a new life at a new school. Different me, same results. I feel lonelier than I've ever felt but I know that I wasn't meant to live this life alone. I'm a great person and an amazing friend, I'm just waiting for others to realize that.

Thank you and just keep hanging on through the storm! :) Best Wishes

u r the bestfriend of yrself