Alone In A Café. It's 12am.

The last time I kept a journal, shared my thoughts, people hurt me. I repress my true feelings, and put on one of various masks so that if people hurt my feelings--directly or side-effectly-- I can just say to myself, "Well, that wasn't me they were interacting with, that was somebody else."

But people see through it, or at least see that there is a façade present. And I suppose most people want true genuineness... So here I am. All alone. I'm at my university, in a building that's open 24/7. Sitting in a café that's been closed up for six hours now. I can't do my schoolwork, because I feel like it doesn't matter, because I don't matter. It I'd matter, wouldn't I have more friends?

I just keep hoping some random angel will come walking by, sit down and care about me. The trouble is, I know how pathetic that sounds. So even if something of the sort WERE to happen, I would hide my despair and loneliness.

I'm so worried all the time. I'm bitter. I'm mean to my boyfriend, whom I feel like LEAVING half the time because I am afraid I am hurting him, tainting him with my negativity. I'm afraid he will wake up and realize how hopeless I am and leave me ANYWAYS. I wanted to make his life better but I feel like my negativity and ADHD tornados have flipped his daily life upside down.

And again, I know this sounds lame, self-pitying and self-loathing. It is. It could be worse....

I'm just so so sad and alone. I am really social, I love people. I want to have a community of friends and family close to me. The last times I developed a hint of that community, I move three states away or I've made best mates with French exchange students.

So here I am. Alone in a café. It's 12am and I don't want to go home. I don't want to go home to the familiar mess, the familiar associations of argument, procrastination and stagnation. But where do I go?

I want to fly away or to dive to the bottom of the ocean. I want to be new again. This is too hard. I'm angry at myself for leading this life.
ooubliuve ooubliuve
26-30, F
2 Responses Dec 7, 2012

I can 100% empathize with you. You sound just like me.
It's pretty bad when you find yourself sitting alone in that dark corner, minding your own business, but deep inside your begging for someone, hell, ANYONE, to come up and talk to you. But you're right...even if they did, I would find one million reasons why I am not worthy of the friendship, or another 1,000 reasons why they'd be talking to me in the first place.
To me it sounds like you've gotten a little lost along the way, and that's where I've been for a while now. I'm hoping to find myself soon, descending out of the fire. Rebirth.

You have me:) Never talked even but I'm a friend or well more of an acquaintance to you but well Idk:D