Never Had Friends?

I suspect I was born with a reject mark on me.  I can remember being ostracized and harassed by my peers as far back as age 3.  Throughout my school experience, including college, I was insulted and shunned by others. 

Most of the reason for this was my physical appearance.  I was a mutant compared to other kids.  I was tall for a girl, a foot taller than even the boys in the class.  I wore ugly-rimmed glasses and I had an overbite.  Until I was much older I never had much interest in hair, make-up, or clothes.  So I admit I often went out looking like a bum.  Add to that a horrible case of acne, and I looked disgusting.

My personal experiences led me to the conclusion that people choose their friends based solely on appearance.  However, I often see people that society would deem "unattractive", for example overweight people or those with unflattering facial features, have plenty of friends and lead normal social lives.  So I suspect my case of physical unattractiveness was extreme.

Fast forward to my late teens/early twenties.  I actually started paying some attention to my outward appearance.  I wore more make-up, got a better haircut, and started shopping at the "preppy" stores.  My height wasn't an issue anymore (5'9") as people my age are full-grown now.  I got to the point where I could walk into a public place and pass as a "normal" everyday person without drawing attention to myself.  Despite that, people around me (school, work, etc.) still had a general dislike toward me.  I wondered if there could be a reason other than my looks.

I never really knew how to behave in social situations.  I've taken some Psychology courses, and found out that children learn how to socialize properly through the friendships they form in elementary and middle schools.  Since I never had those experiences, trying to blend in with other people my age is like throwing a caveman into the middle of New York City.  Having no friends also means my interests and worldview are completely uninfluenced by other people's.  That makes it even more difficult to find common ground with anyone to form a friendship.

Lastly, having no friends for so many years has made me self-centered, in a way.  For the people who have tried to forge a friendship with me, I'm horrible at returning phone calls.  Oftentimes I prefer to hang out with my husband alone.  Perhaps I'm so accustomed to having no friends around that it feels comfortable.  I do, however, feel jealous when I see people partying with large groups of friends, wishing it could be me.  But I don't get invited to parties.  Sometimes I don't know what I'd actually like to be.

feia feia
26-30, F
6 Responses Mar 21, 2009

you're not alone. i have no friend at all. not even one. i only have my husband to talk to. my days are quiet and lonely. that makes me feel awkward when i go out cos i'm not used to people.

Yes i agree but as a child it is not easy to be trusting when others riducule you and with a illness that caused symptoms that i couldn't explain it is hard to move past somethings.

I could have written this myself. I was also very unattractive as a child and was your stereotypical outcast. I think the way people treat you influences how you act toward them. If people treat you in a negative manner than you act negatively and untrustworthy toward people and sometimes you give off negative vibes which could be as subtle as an uncomfortable facial ex<x>pression. <br />
If you want friendships than don't deprive yourself of that important aspect of life. Check out my social anxiety story.

that's one of my problems and i also have memory problems which compounds it but at my age i am ok with it .

I am sorry for your misfortunate early life.<br />
I am also glad to see you moved past most of the awkwardness of the inherited problems you experienced.<br />
I wonder if you smile at people and what the interaction is when you meet and greet someone.<br />
There is a way to have social relationships that you may not have understood as a child who was deprived of the experiences that most find to be a normal part of life.<br />
Small talk is highly valued in social circles which is not in my mind of interest to me.<br />
I learned the lessons well I believe but feel the small talk part is just a bunch of social B.S.<br />
That , however doesn't diminish the importance of being able to hold your own in that area.

i can relate to your story as i have been a outcast in the same way as you. i don't read social cues and so i am always off in some ways. most people have tolerated me as a person. and i've felt the same pain in watching others who don't have this problem. i am 53 and still can not think fondly of any school after about 4th grade. what i have found also to be true is that on this site i've found others like you that i can think of as friends. i have a good husband who i've known for 33 years and 2 wonderful kids and some extended family that cares about me. so i think myself rich in that i am loved maybe not by a lot but enough. i have come to accept myself as doing my part to make the world better even if no one remembers my name after i die here.