Just Can't Keep Them

So I really don't have any trouble making friends.....just keeping them, therefore I feel like I don't have any.  I trick my mind into thinking that I want to be alone,and that I don't need friends and they don't need me. I have had friends that really show that they cared and had love for me and would be there if I needed them. What do I do? I isolate myself from them and ignore them. When I was in High School it was not a problem...I had a lot of friends.... but after my Best friend committed suicide...and I dropped out of H.S. I never have allowed myself to get close and have long-lasting friendships.

Right now, I feel alone....depressed.....I've been in bed without really doing much for three days straight. I think about death all the time. I'm not capable of having friendships or relationships so what is the point of living? There is nothing I feel I can do to change this sad truth. 

I know the things I should do to keep friends....like answer their phone calls...be there when they need me....listen....go out with them etc.

I'm always a good friend in the beginning...and that's what really sucks....I let people in just a little bit ...to where they can see a glimpse of me, and then I'm gone in a blink of an eye. I've really hurt a lot of people... they think I'll always be there... a lot of them shared so much with me...and really let me in...I'm such a disappointment as a friend.

I think it may be best that I have no friends. I can't hurt anyone, and they can't hurt me.  It makes sense right? Like I said before, it's very easy for me to make friends...I can get along and find common interests with about anyone. But once we get to know each other, because of my fears I guess...it just never lasts  long. I have so many people that think I just don't care.  I mean I really don't want to even  know what they think of me, and the way I am..... I'm sure they think I'm pretty callous and cold. That's how I come off....what else would they think? When I become friends with them, and then disappear? I hate the way am...and I can't change...it's not that I won't change, I really can't. Its a vicious cycle that I feel has followed me from past lives.....

Right now, I should be looking for a new job.....I need a job, and I need to go to college...I've put it off for so long...I'll be 23 years old on Mar. 31 2009 and pretty soon all the government help for school will no longer be an option for me and I'll never get an education. I hate my life....I made it this way empty and alone, a prisoner of my on mind and home. The point is I don't want to be social at a new job...I wish I could have a job where I didn't have to socialize- just do my work without talking....and the same with school...I just don't want to make friends...I'll just hurt and disappoint them in  the end. 

I can't even keep on-line friends....it's all just so hard for me to maintain that communication.....not that I'm too busy, or that I don't want to communicate...I just can't...and it's hard to explain why. For the past week I've cried and cried over a women I met at my last job...we became pretty good friends...and I did the same thing.....she calls, tries to contact me, is worried about me, says she loves and misses me.....but I just can't reach out.....I'm back to my hibernation. I'm sure she doesn't think I love,miss and care for her....but she doesn't know how I weep and long to be a good friend to her, or anybody for that matter...

It's so sad.....I can't expect anyone to understand....I'm not worthy of good friends because I'm not one in return....I'll hurt and dessert you. I'm sorry. For all the people I wish I could be friends with...laugh with, and be there for I'm so sorry. I wish you could understand that I do care and love you even though I have to take myself out of your life...and I'm not capable of showing it. This life is meant to be lonely for me. I love everyone...but you'll never know it:(  I know when I die no one but my family will be at my funeral...that is a sad thought. But I'm okay.....I don't want sympathy. I don't deserve sympathy.....I feel sympathy for all the people I've hurt. My heart is heavy... I'm almost at the end...I've been headed there for a long time....but I can hear the footsteps of death approaching, I feel it so near.                                I hope in my afterlife I'm able to have and keep friends.

I don't normally like to share these things....

thanks for reading.

QueenOfHearts QueenOfHearts
22-25, F
8 Responses Mar 23, 2009

I guess this explains where you have been. <br />
<br />
Miss you though...glad you are doing ok.

I came back on this site because i saw your comment to my story via ep's email. To know that there is someone that understands this behavior means more than i can ever say. Guilt. yes, i do have a tendency to feel. Sadness...i will always feel in letting friendships that have meant so much to me go. But my hope is that that they will understand....how much i really do care & love them. How real our connection was every moment, every word, every tear, every laugh. I will forever think of them and send out love and my truest wishes for the best in their lives. I treasure all of the deep connections I've made to the core. <br />
<br />
Your understanding words truly have meant the world.... Quality is better than quantity.... I wish i could forever be a quality friend... but tis' my reality. I've always felt in my experience.. that I am only meant to come in certain lives at certain periods of time. In the deepest friendships I have made... they have said, I came into their life at "just the right time, when they desperately needed a friend, like me"<br />
.... In their own words an "angel"... I wouldn't say that. But I also don't find it a coincidence that I come into their life... when they most need someone to be there. Maybe it is my destiny. ...and so it will go on. And I am happy for the time I did have... the impact we've made on each other..nothing can replace that shared experience. I do wish I could stay longer. But I never forget. Especially weirdo's ;P xx

Thank you for all the comments....I am still burdened by this...it's just something that won't get fixed....it is sad. There is nothing that anyone or I can do really. I continue to start friendships/relationships that I can't keep and that don't amount to anything but .....hurt in both parties. *Sigh*

((Hugz)) I don't know what to say. I wish there was some advice I could give you. Let me know if there is anything I can do?

That is so sad. I wish that I had something wise to say.

All you have to worry about though is yourself. You decided not to go to college soon in your life and there is nothing wrong with that. Dont look back on the past, look to the future and you can do anything you set your mind to. Get a job and save up to go to school.

I understand what your going through. I've never had a friend commit suicide but I have had really close best friends that have all left my side for boyfriends, because they got pregnant, or they moved away. So, I try to keep myself from venturing out and meeting new people to keep the pain away from getting hurt or hurting someone because now I am with a guy and he doesnt like the close friends ive made because they do drugs (which is understandable dont get me wrong but then again they only smoke pot). But yah its really tough and I feel like if I make friends I will just let them down because ive been left by old friends I feel I will probably leave them after I graduate and move back home an hour away.

the thing is, have you been a great friend to yourself? What you put out is what you feel inside. And the better you are within, the better your friends will be. Are you dedicated to do things with them, and not just say, oh no they don't like me anymore. Get it out of your head, Imaging and believe in yourself that your worth more than yesterday. And little by little you will be the one people will be asking to be friends with. And you will have to stop and say, wow there are too many. Think of the great things about you, just not what your not.