I Am a Grown Woman With No Friends . . .
In a short while I will be 31 years old and I have no friends. If I had to ask someone for help at this very moment, there is no one I could call. However, I know lots of people on both professional and personal levels but not a single individual from these groups EVER asks to include me in anything they do.
Why? I'm not sure. I am personable and people enjoy talking with me and asking for advice very often . . .
I have often felt that the Gods hated me and that I am being punished for something I did in a former life . . . but I don't believe that - I'm just trying to rationalize and give myself SOME kind of answer to nullify my sense of hopelessness . . .
Growing-up I had no friends either. I would make friends and then two weeks later I would get treated like I had the plague. If someone took an interest in me, it was generally to get something from me. For example, two weeks before my birthday everyone in 3rd grade became my friend when they found out I was going to a local theme park and that I could invite whomever I wanted. The next day I was the fat kid again and those who attended threw rocks at me on the playground. Events like this plagued my childhood until I gave-up at the age of 13 and didn't care anymore . . . even though I secretly did.
Where was my family in all this? Well, my mother was busy working and when after-school rolled around I had toys thrown at me as a substitute for her attention and love. After a long day at work, she needed space . . . Thusly, this resulted in her not seeing my lonliness nor my lack of friends in general. During school vacations she would tell (yell at) me to go outside and play with my friends . . . So, I wandered about the neighborhood alone with my thoughts and doing nothing.
When I got to high school I stuck to myself. I was not the Goth chick, the nerd, the creepy girl, nor ever involved in anything cool/illegal. I just didn't exist . . .
I struggled after high school because all that neglect and lack of mentorship from my mother, and the lack of socialization with my peers caused me to not know how to function in life. I was in the top 4% of a 2-AAAAA school but I couldn't balance a checkbook and couldn't find a job to save my life . . . Which caused me to spiral into an existential depression (of sorts . . . more like confusion) and I flunked out of college not knowing who I was or what I wanted to do in life . . . Making my family disappointed with me and my lack of direction . . .
Years later I lucked-out (figuratively speaking) and found a job at a speedbar . . . They hired anyone with an IQ over 30 and preffered young girls who didn't know anybetter. I witnessed the lowest forms of human nature: sexual and physical assault, drunkeness, theft, and even murder . . . the bar manager shot an unarmed kid 9 times . . . the kid bled out infront of me and the manager never saw a day in prison . . . Why? Cause I was the onlyone standing within 30ft of the event and I was the only one who told the truth about what happened . . . but my statement didn't "match" the other 9 employees' statements - who were more than 60ft away in a scrambling crowd . . . I was out of a job less than a month later. Go figure . . .
I was jobless for 6 months and a "total embarrassment" to my recently widowed (second marriage) mother with a job and Master's degree . . . but I found work again as a cook - hired by a guy who didn't know his *** from a hole in the wall. I was the only woman in a kitchen filled with black male ex-convicts . . . If I dropped something, I didn't dare reach for it and I couldn't go into the walk-in if one of them was in there . . . I found these things out the hard way . . . The guys I worked next to hated my guts. He reminded me of all the good-looking boys that would pick on me throughout grade school and kick me cause I was an easy target (fat and slow). I quit that job shortly after being sprayed in the face with EasyOff by that guy, and the manager telling me that I was "complaining a little too much for someone who wanted to keep their job".
Keep in mind that all this time I have no one to talk to, no one to smile with and no one that makes me feel human on any level. I have become a thing . . . unloved by my mother and treated worse than a rabid stray dog by those that I meet and work with. I write in a diary . . . but I soon stop because I find pages missing, and whilst cleaning my mother's room (to earn my keep at 23) I find them under her bed as I am changing the linens. She has written nasty comments over everything she doesn't like on those pages, and on the back she has written her own tirade of fury . . . Not even a blank book is a good friend.
I find a new job quickly and am able to save enough money to move-out five months later. I am around nicer people in the kitchen but my managers treated me like a slave, and I feel more isolated. Life goes on and I barely make bills, eating Ramen Noodles and praying for love . . . because I have to be suffering for something, right? I spend all my free time dreaming of love and imagining what life will be like when I can afford to go back to college - which in truth, is not appearing to ever be a possibility at this point. I meet a few people at work that will talk to me outside of work and I meet some others in a group at a local UU Church . . . but no one calls me and they only want me around if I can do something for them. I feel alone in a crowd . . . and I don't see th purpose of living as my 24th year comes to a close.
Why? Why would the Universe make a child so aware and so full of faith, and then give them no real family, no friends, allow them to be exposed to everything they know is dangerous, and to be ostracized from every event in life without having committed a single "crime" against anyone? But then again, why do kids die of cancer and AIDS . . .
Every night I would go to sleep begging that I would stop breathing in my sleep . . . I was tired of the misery.
I agree to help be a number in a 4th of July group headed to Canyon (though I know I am just doing it to make others happy), and I meet the love of my life - a young pup barely able to vote, but he is sweet and he loves me . . . I feel as if I have never been alone in my life and I am grateful for every minute and kiss he has given me over the past 5 years . . . AND he helped me go back to school – I graduate this December with my BFA.
But, I still have no friends and all of his friends (of which there were more than could be counted at one point) have stopped talking to him. Why? We don't know. We are happy healthy and spiritual people who make those around us laugh . . . but no one wants to "be friends" or come over to play cards . . . we live in a city with 250,000+ people living in it and we are exposed to an average of 40+ people a day, most of whom are in the same field we are both studying at college . . . and we have no friends.
We thought for a while that it was because we have kids, and that people treat you like you have the plague when you have kids . . . None of my hubby's friends have kids and very few are in long-term relationships. The few people I talked with from work have dropped-off the face of the planet, or moved far away. My mother, who now pretends that she was the best mother ever (postmetapausal), moved nearly 400 miles away and rarely visits her grandchildren. I always think of Bill Cosby when I look at her: “This is not the woman I grew up with; this is an old person trying to get into Heaven.” My mother-in-law, who used to come over at least 3 times a week, comes over once every two weeks and only for 5 minutes. She lives five minutes away and never spends time with her grandkids . . . My mother has developed a heart condition and only recently has taken interest in visiting more . . . but she is the only one who comes over to the house for any extend amount of time (more than 10 minutes).
I feel like a prisoner of my own home . . . and my kids suffer because I don't have friends with kids. I can't afford to send them to daycare - hubby and I are both college students working part-time jobs to support everyone . . .
What makes things worse is that the hub of our old circle of "friends" lives next door. We see many of the people whom we have known in our lives come and go next door, and even hang-out in the back yard for parties and ritual but no one ever takes two seconds to say "hi" . . . It’s like a boyfriend breaking-up with you by giving you the cold-shoulder and pretending you are dead. The kids see these people too . . . My two eldest know some of the people next door and yell-out for them when they see them . . . only to get ignored, or told that they are unable to visit with them right now . . .
I hate these people now . . . how dare they?
My husband and I don't think that it’s us, or the fact that we have kids anymore . . . We think its cause everyone we used to know are worthless and terrible "friends" . . . terrible people on many levels too . . . We believe that people are just like this in the area we live in and we cannot wait to move. We live in a weird, conservative area that has strange customs (like there is not a single butcher shop in this city – you get your meat cut at Walmart (?!)). . . We want to move to St.Paul, MN and be around more earthy liberal types where I know people are human . . . A move is no guarantee but we need it.
I am so on edge and lonely right now . . . Tomorrow morning my eldest son will start Pre-K and at the Open House this past week, I saw how different he was . . . I saw how easily he could be misunderstood, or mislabeled by these backwater Neanderthals . . . I don't want my life for him, or to see him ostracized for being that unique kid that no one takes the time to love . . . I am so terrified for him - my baby . . .
I sometimes think that there is a hex over me . . . a taint that affects those around me and that by being with me, my husband chooses a social-less life and that my kids will be affected by my "curse" . . .
I just wish that I had someone to talk to (besides my husband), someone to invite over for coffee, someone who had kids for my children to play with in the park or have come to their Birthday parties . . . I wish we could have parties and play cards with SOMEONE . . .
I am expecting our fourth child in January, and it is a girl . . . I am terrified again, because I look at my daughter Uille - who looks and acts just like me - and I see a sweet little girl . . . I lose a little faith cause I don't see why anyone/thing would give her that life I had . . . and I in no way want her to experience her life alone . . . without knowing friendship. She and her sister and her big brothers will always have me & Dada to love them and to talk to, but it is hard having nothing beyond what happens between blood . . . Its hard surviving grade-school and going to high school without ever having gone to the prom or been invited over to a friend's house to play . . . Cause I know firsthand.
I love my family, I love my husband and I am grateful for having been given the chance to spend my life with each of them . . . I just want more for us. Something that shouldn't have to be begged for: Companionship.