I Feel Out of Place.

Hi I have always felt like a fit in, at home, at work, school. At school I had friends who prob visited me once at home and never again, growing up lots of boyfriends, when they get what they want, soon they dissapear. Sexual dreams since puberty and I'm 42 now married to a guy 8 yrs my junior.I was Catholic and became Muslim and have a 5yr old son whom i adore and prob spoil. My dad was a heavy drinker and abused my mom, my mom was heavy handed with me and a suspicious parent and I was always afraid growing up to ask her questions. I am the only girl and oldest of 3, my best friend is my brother (middle one) - who's gay. I woek very hard yet never get promotions, I chat easily, can be funny, I'm generous not good at keeping in touch with new acquaintences..have no friends who coem and visit or call me , even old colleagues whom I've worked with more than 5 yrs don't keep in touch - I have tried to change from my side to call them up, see how they are..to no avail..I don't get upset I just go on. I try to do the bes i can for everyone in my life and often feel they sideline me in their lives. Sometimes I feel so alone and yet I might be in the middle of a booming party. I always love to dance, sing, laugh, learn new stuff, nature, especially trees and rain. I get so deeply hurt when I'm accused of being things I feel I'm not. I have had no luck with friends either , they always seem to betray me, I forgive them and move on..one boyfriend of 3yrs ..even cheated and had kids with a gir with the same name as me who lived nex door to him..my husband chooses his bloodsucking friend who leeches off him as his confidante..I find it easy to lose trust in people , I hate fake smiles and compliments , patronising people..I wish people can be more honest. After 7 yrs I started smoking behind my husband's back ..where will at all end. sometimes i feel so lost..I love worshipping my Creator I always find peace talking Him..but I still do bad stuff in my head mostly..I love cooking..I am quite sensual and can be very flirty on the phone. Some people find me very charming they even say I'm very intelligent and yet ..I always seem to make some stupid mistake..which they would highlight forever..shortchange me on remuneration..overlook me for promotion..but when there is a problem no matter how big they entruct it to me to sort out .. what is that ..my husband treats my like a child sometimes..maybe I am just one pathetic blob of mud..though sometimes I feel jut right.. tho it doesn't last ..still I am and feel like will always be alone..I say to myself it doesn't matter when people say & do hurtful things and if I go unnoticed it doesn't matter but there are tears in my eyes when I say or think it.. What's wrong with me besides weighing 100kgs and talking too much

wow! well..Most of what you said fits me also...always loved severe weather prefered cloudy rainy days over sun...was always treated as the "weird" child and I always found myself outside myself in all I do...as if Im always watching myself deal with things or people..I keep having dreams and thoughts that I do NOT belong where Im at right now...I feel ive been taken from a time and era where i was and have been dropped here where I dont fit or belong...I feel my dreams are the key to getting back to where i should be...its as if i almost reach the 'door" that will take me back and I awake!

you sound very interesting to me; the only reason you may seem to not fit in is probably because others can't catch up or they seem jealous

you are a young woman, you seem completly lovable, can't really give you advice on account that im a lonely bastard but hell, good luck to you.

" I love fashion, ask me anything about it. I love weather such a tornados, hurricanes. I love documentaries and anything that makes you think. I read biographies on famous women in history. I enjoy wine, have a great laugh, and workout very hard. Why am I such an outcast?! What is wrong with me?!"



Everything you wrote in the paragraph above is completely what i love to do and who i am. And of course i've always asked myself the same question " why am i such an outcast? what is wrong with me? And let me tell you, it's been awhile and it is starting to take a bit of a toll on my self-consciousness. But atleast, i know you're outthere; someone who feels the way i do.

Wow, thank you for telling me about the book, I will definitly get it. I have actually heard of this book. I always wondered if my issue had something to do with that. Yes, it was my dad who would abuse me and scream at me all the time (he was a drill sergent in the Army, so you can imagine how loud he would get). He would not just spank me when I was little, it was more like really hard spanks that felt like it would last forever but, I'm sure that is normal for most kids who got spanked. Later, as I got older but not quite a teen yet he would push me up against the wall with his hand around my throut, or would get on top of me on the floor and have his fist in the air about to punch me in the face. He would pick me up by the arms and scream in my face and then litterally let go of me in the air where I would land on my back and the wind was knocked out of me. There are many countless others and these lash outs would happen all the time. A very vivid memory I had (all these were very memorable moments for me) was when my grades were not good both my mom and dad picked up my text books and would pound on my thighs over and over again till they went num. I had enourmous bruising all over the front of my thighs that for several months I wore nothing but pants. They weren't small brusies, they were black and purple all over the top of my thighs about the size of a small watermellon on both legs. When I became a teenager my mom would tell me I was worthless and blame everything on me that my siblings did wrong. My parents adopted ten other kids all with special needs and all ages and I turned to drugs. Most people start off with pot and alcohol, I started with heroine (I did not inject, only snort up). So, I would say I was depressed for most of my child and teenage life. Even as an adult my dad still would hit me. Three years ago and only two months before I got married, I told my dad I would need help to take a vacuum I borrowed from him out of my car. He didn't like that and stormed off to my car and I told him not to touch my car. I know what he is like. He would destroy people's things when he got mad. This car belonged to me, my name on the papers and he said he will touch my car. I wouldn't let him, so as he pulled the vacuum out of the drunk he took it and swung it up in the air like a baseball bat and was getting ready to hit me with it. I was so used to that abuse and I have become num to it growing up. I looked him right in the eyes and told him if you touch me I will call the police. I let him know he has no right to lay a hand on me anymore. He broke my little sisters arm six years earlier and five of the kids that were once my siblings were taken away and were placed in the system. He was on probation and seven years later, still is. My whole life growing up we were conditioned not to tell anybody about dad's anger or what happend that day or night. I was abused by both my parents. Most of the time I really don't care about them anymore, and I tell myself that when my dad dies I will not go to his funeral. I don't want to be apart of my family anymore and I constantly have to fight myself on this anger and sadness I have from that life. I was spoiled rotten as a kid. I grew up in upper middle class and we went to Disney World for up to three weeks at a time every summer and almost every winter growing up. I wore Ralph Lauren and Calvin Klien. I always think how selfish I am to sit here and say that I was abused and was still given such a priviliged life. It took me many years to actually say out loud that I was abused. Last year was the first time I came to terms with that. Granted, I know I said things to **** my parents off and would disrespect them, I grew to have a hot temper and I would stick up for myself. But, there were many times my dad would do these things to me when I was just a little girl! To this day I will crawl into my closet and curl on the floor with the door shut and cry really hard like I did when I was younger. I hate playing the poor- pityful-me-game but, I do know I need therapy to deal with my anger and so I can have a healthier marriage and when I have kids I don't repeat this cycle. I don't even like to spank kids, I'm sure I'll only swat their butt maybe once. But, I don't have kids and I'm sure everybody thinks the same way before they have them. I'm not violent toward my husband in any way and we do fight but not so bad. We usaully make up right away.



I'm sorry, I kind of trailed off on a tangent. I think it actually feels better knowing that other people out there had the same problems. It's so strange how you know you aren't the only one who is/was abused but, you certainly feel alone in it.

Hello, It was your Dad who abused you. With me it was myMom and I have a sister who gets everything. I have aproblem making frieneds. That is part of being an abused child. I read this book Adult Children of Abusive Parents. It was written by Stevn Farmer. It gave me an insight into why I make so few friends. I have one best friend.Please let me know how you are making out. Knittingpretty

Commonground's right, when you share your thoughts, that's when people understand you and are able to admire. There are plenty of mean women out there..but that shouldn't stop us from treading the waters also. Good luck!

You sound truely and absolutely wonderful to me. Keep on chatting with people, don't sell yourself short when it comes to the people that you are interested in by believing that they have a click or that they don't want you too, go up and say hi strike up a conversation use what you have like your wonderful laugh and say hey do you want to go out for a coffee and open up from there! You'll do fine! Just go!