Truth Be Told

I have never been popular by any means. But growing up I had a few friends. I never really fit in anywhere and I still feel that I don't.  I am a biracial female and in 3 days I will be 31 .I know my appearance can be a bit off putting as I am overweight and I don't just mean a little overweight and I am tall for a female.  I grew up in a predominantly white school in a fairly racist city.  I think I realized I really don't have any friends about 5 years ago when I went to move and had no one to help me.  I sat on the front porch with the moving truck in the driveway just balling my eyes out. I eventually mustered up enough strength to do the job by myself.  I have moved 5 times since them.  Mostly due to each place I move to not living up to the hopes of starting over and making new friends that I thought it would.  I can usually find 1 person to help me, and its my cousin because his mother makes him.  Even if I offer people beer, pizza, and money no one wants to help or don't have time.  

I am an only child, I never knew my father and my mother died when I was 14.  I don't really talk to my family for 2 reasons.  The events that happened after her death and my grandfathers death (who raised me after my mother died) and because I just don't feel like I fit in.  I know I have very different views on life than most people, including my family.  

At work I am forced to sit in a truck for 10 hours with another person.  Sometimes I like the person I'm working with and other times I can't stand them.  There was one girl that I was really close to but she quit for a better job that takes her out of state for months at a time.  But even after 2 years of working there not a single person has ever asked for my phone number.  It seams like everyone else has everyone else's numbers but the only one's I have are from people who I have asked for it. It makes me wonder what it is about me that people don't want my pone number.  

It also feels like a repeat of high school and college.  In high school I had friends or people who I called my friends because I would hang out with them.  Mind you as a teenager I was the one of our group who was made fun of, never called or invited out.  I would have to call one of them and they would tell me that everyone was out at so and so's house and I could come over if I wanted.  In college I never made a single new friend.  I would go to class, talk to some people during and in between classes and that was it.

So now I am alone and very lonely, depressed at times. 

easilyme easilyme
31-35, F
3 Responses Feb 12, 2010

Be GOOD to yourself, their is only one YOU!!!! dont quit on YOU...... things can get better i promise. its alway darkest before the dawn, you know that is true!! the sun will shine again,,,,and the sun just might be shinin through YOU!!! FEEL BETTER PLEASE....

hey.... I read this and I felt very angry at the thought of people being so heartless.... from what I've read here, its others making the mistakes, and not you. I know that I don't know you, but none the less I love you because I can. I hope that happiness finds you soon. Your heart is obviously big... and I am offended that people would take advantage of that. I am sorry for how you have been treated in the past, but I hope that with what I say, you will find some solace in. I don't know you, but I'd like to.... lets be friends.... if you get a chance.... read my blog titled "Send me to the Clouds" I think it might lift your spirit.... but if you need a friend... thats me.... again.... I don't know you.... but a thousand times I love you<br />
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the older i get the more i realize that usually when i feel other people are treating me wrongly, it is realy the fact that I am treating myself wrongly!!! when I feel good about myself i find that it realy dosent matter what anyone else thinks. You realy only need one or two good friends to get by in life. having a strong faith in God has also gotten me through the tough times.