Friendless

Hello,

I am a 50 year old woman with no friends.  I had lots of friends when I was a kid, and didn't even think about making friends - they just sort of appeared out of thin air.  Sometimes they left, and then new ones came along.  My family moved a lot, so I had to get used to making new friends.  As my family moved to poorer and drearier parts of the country, friends no longer just appeared out of the air, and in fact, more enemies than friends appeared to me.  I was bullied and harrassed simply for being alone and unknown.  By the time I was in high school, my parents had finally moved my family into a town that was not so abysmal, and once again I was able to miraculously make friends without trying.  In this way, I was not especially close to any one particular person as a best friend until my junior year in high school, but tended to be friends with two other girls at a time as well, so that I moved from one group of "three friends" to another throughout high school, and my friends could be from any clique or walk of life.  I didn't care, as long as they weren't mean.  Everything changed when I went to college.  I suffered major depression, the kids were very class conscious and I wasn't in anyone's class - not rich enough, not poor enough.  The only friends I had were my roomate (who was spacey) and a couple of girls in my dorm who were best friends from another area of the state.  A guy I did not like harrassed me into dating him because he was a member of the group these girls hung out with.  I grew to hate him because he wouldn't leave me alone.  I didn't care one way or the other, but just kind of "allowed" him to be my boyfriend because it was easier than trying to keep him away.  Nevertheless, I never really felt part of the group that he and my two girlfriends belonged to.  I always felt they thought they were better than me because they were all these geniuses studying engineering and math, and I was just a stupid liberal arts major who couldn't get past basic Algebra.  After I left college, I still had my one best friend from high school, and she dropped out of college also, and we had a lot of fun for a couple of years.  We had a gang of ex high school losers who also ended back in our dead end town, and we hung out with them, mostly in bars, and going to concerts and having sometimes subdued, sometimes fairly out of control parties at each others' homes when parents were away.  Eventually, I went back to a two year school, and married one of the guys we hung out with.  He had always been tons of fun as a friend and fiancee, but as soon as we got married, he wanted nothing to do with me, and went out with our friends without me while I took a job, cleaned the apartment, cooked, took care of bills, and he went to a two year school.  So, I essentially supported him through his two years of school.  We hung out with friends from high school who still lived in town, and like us, had formed couples and gotten married.  We started acting more like grown ups, and would do more grown up things like go to each others' homes for dinner, go out to theaters for concerts and shows, have outdoor get togethers.  Then we had to move to another state for work, and everything changed.  I was a fish out of water, and couldn't make any friends in the busy metropolitan area where we were living.  It was so different from the small town we came from where we knew a lot of people.  We had to work two jobs each just to pay the rent, and the traffic, pollution, and congestion, not to mention the crime, were all pretty shocking for me.  After that, we both focused on night school so we could get out of the two job thing.  I finished, but he didn't, but we both did well and were able to get increasingly higher paying jobs and increasingly better places to live.  I spent so much time worrying about my schooling and job, that I had no time for friends, and couldn't seem to make any in any case.  We were together for a long time, and eventually, when things were going really well for us job and material wise, we decided we couldn't live with each other any more because he was out all the time with his friends, seemed embarrassed to have me around him and wouldn't include me in his social life.  I tried to include him in any social functions I was invited to, mostly from family (practically my whole family moved to where we were for work also) and co-workers of mine, but he was always so stiff and uncomfortable around my small circle and wouldn't help me to improve or enlarge it.  We split up, and my life really went downhill from there.  I didn't make as much as him, and didn't ask for alimony.  The area we lived in was very expensive, and I had to live in a very poor area, very dangerous, and became very depressed.  The few friends I had avoided me like the plague because I was depressed, and had a lot of deaths in my family - they would not even send me cards or call me when one of my immediate family died, and this happened three times in a few years.  I decided these people were not real friends, and went into isolation, only working and taking care of my pets.  I lost my job finally, and went to live with a relative.  My pets died.  I was getting more and more depressed.  I isolated.  Finally,  I moved far away to a small town, hoping I could get back that small town feeling.  But it wasn't MY small town; it belonged to other people, and though I was there for three years, I never made a single friend.  People were friendly, but wouldn't invite me to their homes or activities.  I went out to eat alone, to the movies alone, to concerts alone.  It was excruciatingly painful.  Eventually, that company closed and I had to move back to the polluted, congested area and live with relatives again.  I trained for a new career, became somewhat successful at it, but not enough that I could support myself.  I worked very hard at it for five years, but eventually, the economy crashed and I had to go out of business.  I've been unemployed ever since, with no unemployment benefits or money of any kind coming to me.  I feel the world is a horrid place where only the rich are allowed to have lives of any kind.  I have tried religion, self help, psychologists, joining volunteer organizations, but I have never met anyone I feel any connection to.  The people I do like tend to dismiss me, and I tend to attract people with serious problems or who are not particularly bright and to whom I can't speak because they have no conversational skills.  People who do have conversational skills have jobs, and friends, and lives, and are put off by my obvious poverty and they discount me as some kind of "bohemian" which I am not.  I have two college degrees, and many years in corporate business, but I am unhirable, because I'm not a perky 25 year old.  At this point, I've lost everything I own to pay off debt, and my life consists of living in the spare room of a relative with an old car that I pray will keep going, living off of my family.  The thought of working at a Burger King makes me ill.  I'm not likely to meet people who would want to be friends with me there, or vice versa, any way.  I have tried joining historical societies, book clubs, and all those people, while minimally interested in my personality, are very clear that they aren't there to make friends; at least not with me.  They bring their friends with them.  I am always the only loner, and am pretty much ignored, even though they always remark that I seem so bright and funny, and can't understand why I am unemployed.  Certainly, they can't possibly be friends with an unemployed person.  I just feel blah.  Nothing.  Sick of trying to get work, sick of trying to keep it, sick of trying to get along with everyone and getting nothing in return.  I don't really know how to enjoy myself anymore.  I used to enjoy going shopping, seeing art museums, going to plays and movies, dinner with one or two people.  I didn't need extravagant entertainment.  Now, those things seem like a horrible waste of time and boring.  There isn't anything I even want to do, and I find peoples' conversations for the most part inane - they tend to act like everyone is just like them, complain about silly things about their co-workers and spouses when they should feel lucky just to have jobs and spouses, and act like the world's the same place it was in 1955.  I'm tired of hearing about their stock portfolios while millions (like me) have fallen through the cracks and have no income, no home, no health care, and no retirement.  I feel like I've given all I have to carve out a life for myself, even denying myself to have children so that I would always be self-supportive, and for this, I receive - nothing.  I went through the self help scene for a decade and thought nothing but good thoughts, helped others, became spiritually motivated, and nothing came of it.  I just ended up unemployed and depressed for my efforts.  I say thanks every day for what I do have, and feel genuine empathy for those who have so much less.  But I remain disgusted with the narcissism of the world, the general dumbing down of the population so that American Idol is actually what people talk about at dinner, and the ever increasing militarism and hatred and intolerance and greed and corruption the world over, with women my age in my country too busy trying to fit into their twelve year old daughters' clothing and getting botoxed up to be interested in the fate of the rest of the world.  Why would they want to be friends with me; I'm such a "downer".  Well, if you got this far, you must be ready for a nap.  Thanks for reading.

 

Ivey

 

Ivey Ivey
46-50, F
6 Responses Mar 7, 2010

Not the same story here, but I surely identify with most of it. Without going into the whole, long story, I'll leave it at that. But here I am at 51, once overwhelmed with friends and parties, and now, friendless. Coworkers? Sure. People who think I'm "just terrific!" Sure, but no close friends. I will die before I move back to that lifeless burg I came from. However, I had friends there. So, Ivey, you should be a writer. Your writing is impeccable! I am a writer now, and when it gets crazy lonely—though I love my wife dearly—I turn to writing and hope that I will one day make it my sole career. You are not alone—just lonely. Most of those posting here are also in the same boat. If only people would really say "Hey! Let's all get together and have a party!", but that's the world we live in—no one will. We're moving in a few years to Sedona where we hope there is more of a social angle to the area than here in Galveston. You are valuable! You have to know that. So, do that thing that you think won't work and it just might. For the moment, I am your friend and so are these others. That may have to be enough for today.

Never give up! You bring special things to the planet, things only you can give, you are needed. Those who you view as having tons of friends are sometimes the most lonely---even though they are surrounded by people. Take it one day at a time, be patient, pray, and visualize the life you want. Things will change.

Hello, deppresion is a turn off, but that doesnt mean you are unfreindable! most people have , i.e friends for politicle reasons i.e people who are of use to them to make them look better. as you get older you are a friend to most, for no reason other then life experience so go ahead and approach some one 50 plus.we are not "old" but have enuf experience to welcome new people

Hi Ivey,<br />
<br />
While I can identify with some of your history, reading your story has made me re-think my own isolation from the world of friendship, especially close girlfriends. Your story is truly sad and I can only hope and wish (i don't pray) that your world soon changes for the better and you can find some happiness. I too abhore the shallowness of today's common interests - American Idol - plech!! I often look to nature for grounding and humor - a pair of hawks returning to the same tree to breed for the 3rd year in a row; a spider stuck in the bathtub (silly spider); a cat with a piece of yarn.... I feel less lonely when I connect to life around me other than people who never seem to care. I hope you find more happiness in your life soon.<br />
<br />
Take care,<br />
Kickstand

hey :) well im only 14, so i know like nothing. but i have depression, i self harm and im slowly losing all my friends, so i know how you feel. i hope things get better for you, remember god is always there. <3 x

Hello Ivey im new to this site and looking at the stories i came across yours.I was saddened to see threre was someone worse off than me on here.Dear im so sorry for the hardships of loneliness and friendlessnes in your life.I also have no friends.Im 53 yrs old ,my wife left me 3 yrs agoand i just cant seem to make a single friend.I try to find a church and to other social things but never make a connection.I sometimes think i have a serious personality defect.Ive always felt rejected scince childhood and that was never good for my relationships with my short lived girlfriends or my married life.It sucks being alone even though i have 2 kids still with me nothing ever happens for me.It just makes me ill to see couples having fun and laughing,cant stand love stories and romance type movies or songs anymore.I am trying to be more positive and see the blessings in my lifebut when i wake every day i feel like the biggest loser on earth.God help us both.I pray that things will change for you and i would like to be a friend so hang in there and keep trying.