Lost

I've pissed off a lot of people with how up and down I can be. I am naturally this way because I have bipolar disorder. One of the annoying things about having this disorder is my inability to make decisions, but worse is not being able to stick to them once I've finally made them.

I went to university full time for a semester before I suffered a severe bout of depression and deferred my course. This was because I felt the need to decide what I was going to do with my life. I wasn't sure what to do about my education and whether I wanted to complete my BA. I worked constantly, even when I was ill. Working in childcare meant being exposed to a lot of germs, and I suffered from the flu, numerous colds and conjunctivitis. I had at least three blood tests in less than six months. Luckily I was able to recover and continued working, earning $600 each week and spending most of it on clothes, DVDs...whatever I felt like. I liked having the freedom of disposable income, but then I became bored.

My depression didn't lift. I was restless. The childcare routine was boring. The staff weren't any closer to me since I started working six months ago. I had built up a wall that couldn't be knocked down again. So I went back to university.

I've failed a lot of classes because of my lack of motivation. My bipolar disorder has all but destroyed my social life. I don't find many activities pleasant anymore. I experience intense anxiety even just thinking about attending classes or going to work. So, I haven't worked....since last July.

It's now the second week of my fourth year. I have just 12 more classes to do and then I can get my degree. But I don't know if I want to bother.

I wish I could make a decision and stick to it. Having no direction is only making me more ill.