I'm Stuck In A RutGrowing up with a father as a professor it was always assumed that I would make good grades all throughout high school, get a scholarship, go to college and make excellent grades become something "respectful" like a doctor or lawyer or something that all foreigners in America want their kids to be. Instead, I resented school from the time I was 10, almost didn't make it out of middle school alive, made mediocre grades in high school and just barely got accepted into college. I managed to get into the university here in town that my dad teaches at. The only good thing was that I got a 50% discount on tuition and books. It ended there.
My resentment for school just went up. My motivation became pretty much nonexistent and I failed through my first two years. I lost my loan since I couldn't get a scholarship and thus the only way I would be able to go to school was if I paid for it out of pocket until a waited a certain amount of time or raised my grades and filed an appeal. Well. I managed to get about 5 classes done and then out of nowhere my dad has another meltdown in this pathetic midlife crisis of his decides to cut me off financially. Him and my mom split up nearly 2 years ago so me not living with him just encouraged him to make his decision. So now I'm **** out of luck.
It doesn't help that I was laid off from my job last August and I've been working odd temporary ones here and there to pay the bills I have which is barely getting me by. I now have one but it's less than 20 hours a week and I don't even like it anymore. So pretty much, I'm stuck. I'm approaching my 23rd birthday and I've got NOTHING to show for it. At all. It's depressing and even more so because it's all my own fault. If it had been a perfect world I'd have graduated with my bachelor's last May and I'd either have a decent job or be halfway through graduate school. But no, I'm living at home with a mother that keeps putting me down and bills out my *** that I'm struggling to pay for. I don't know what to do. I never saw myself in this position at all. It was always that I would graduate from college and get a good job and live. Now I may have to resort to working ****** jobs with ****** hours trying to make ends meet. I know millions of people do it and I can too, but it would be a huge disappointment, not just to my family but to myself. I failed at life. Period.
But my boyfriend of several months has been right by my side and encouraging me and he has given me a solution. No, I refuse to marry him and depend on him financially while I work in some retail store...I vowed that I'd never allow myself to depend on a man that way and end up in my mother's situation: staying with an awful husband simply for her children because she has a lame job that she will not be able to support us with. Eventually she left anyway, but the point is I didn't want to end up like that. And my boyfriend wants me to finish school and though it is still possible for me to fight to get my loan back, I don't know what my chances will be. He did suggest that if I didn't want to do that then my other option is...dun dun DUNN....the military. Which I've considered. Even if I do not go back to school, it will be something to do with my life. He is currently in the army and working on getting out because he was hurt but he told me that I may just make a career out of it and I will feel accomplished, proud of myself, and feel like I actually made the most out of my life even if I didn't get an education. Really? I don't know.
I want to, but I'm scared. Of the unknown perhaps, I have no idea. I have no other option, really. I mean, I do but....they're just....harder to attain because of the damn economy. It was hard enough to find a part time job with lame hours so I don't know how I'm going to get a full time job in an area that's not child care or retail and be able to pay my bills with it and live ok. I feel like my life just ended before it got a chance to start. Pretty frustrating. I don't let it get me down all the time because I hate being depressed and pissed off but there are times when it hits me hard. Especially when talking to my mother and when somebody reminds me of my father. Or when I run into a friend I went to high school with who know has a degree and a house and a nice car. But such is life, right? I screwed up and now gotta pay the consequences. Well, I get it, God. Help me out. Please.
lucifette 22-25, F 2 Responses 0 Mar 6, 2011