I Have No Idea Who I Am
When I was younger I never had a doubt in my mind about who I was, and who I wanted to be. Now that I'm older and I've experienced a bit more, I've only been confused. Somewhere along the road I've lost the person (or child) I used to be and adopted an entirely different personality, or two perhaps. Maybe that's just what growing up is...
I've done things I never thought I would do, been places I never dreamed of going, and broken promises to myself along the way. Maybe that was my mistake, not sticking to my moral and beliefs. Who knows? I'm not saying all my choices were horrible, but I definitely am not where I imagined myself to be at this age. I was going to go to Yale, and be some big over achiever while working on a modeling career. Yet here I sit. 18 year old (almost 19) high school drop out, with a GED, holding a minimum wage job just so I have something to get up for in the mornings.
Perhaps depression has done this to me, maybe it was one of the other disorders I inherited, or maybe it was just me being lazy. All I know is I have absolutely no idea who I am anymore. I change day to day, sometimes for the good, other times for the negative. I feel like different people trapped inside one body, screaming and fighting for attention and control. Sometimes I am sweet and kind and caring. Sometimes I'm dark and twisted and heartless. I can deeply regret the smallest thing I did when I was five, yet have no remorse for a horrible act I've done recently.
It's just a crazy rollercoaster that I'm riding on backwards and can't see what happens next. Is it a giant loop? A steep drop? A sharp turn?
Who am I? I'm just a young adult, forever contradicting herself and making mistakes while trying to find her way and where she belongs.
