My Story..need Help!!

So here is my story: I am almost 30 years old and have no job, no motivation, no interests, no social life, no life, no skills. All my life I have always been told I was stupid, and would never amount to anything, statements which I've internalized to this day. I have two younger siblings and they have gotten way further in life that I will ever be. My sister is smart, people saavy, considered the "prettier" one, has always gotten what she wants, is ambitious, and driven. She is doing very well in her life and is manager of a high-end men's clothing store. She is a bit callous in how she treats people and how she gets what she wants, but in the end she gets what she wants. My brother is the youngest in the family and is now well on his way towards medical school to become a doctor like my father. He is passionate about many things in life, and whatever he chooses to pursue, he pursues with energy and passion for lack of a better word.



As for myself, I have no interests. Well to be more specific, I have interests, but I am not particularly skilled enugh to take these interests to a higher level. For example, I enjoy music and movies, but have neither the skill or talent to do anything with either of these interests. I have a Bachelor's degree in Psychology but have no desire to go further with it. I graduated in 2005, moved out, worked in office admin for 3 years (meanwhile telling everyone it was to figure out what I wanted to do). After 3 years of being treated like someone's *****, I decided to go into early childcare. I used my own money to enrol in a college program and moved back in with my parents. I gradutated in May of 09 and worked for about 7 months in the field. By September I wanted to kill myself. The pay was **** and was being worked like a dog. There was little to no gratification to the job; I came home physically and mentally tired and stressed. So I left.

Well after I left, I began to feel really lost. I knew I didn't want to go back into childcare, so my other option was of course to go back to doing office admin. But after being out of work in office admin for so long, I was rusty, I began to doubt myself again, hearing the word "stupid" echoing in my head. I did find a job in office admin but was fired a month after. I continued to job search in both office admin and childcare. I landed a few interviews, some job offers too. But the jobs I did accept lasted no longer than 1 day for me. Why? I would work those 8 or 9 hours and made up my mind not to come back the next day. Reasons ranged from not liking the environment, to not liking the staff, to not enjoying my duties. Whatever the reason, I always left. I would tell my parents I landed a new job, go to it for `1 day, then sleep in and not come in every again from then on.



I just don't want to work. I have no motivation, no desire to work in a job I hate. I don't understand how people can work 8 hours a day, 5 days a week, day in and day out, for 5 years, 10 years, 20 years, etc. How do they do it? Most people I've spoken to hate their jobs, or can barely tolerate them, but they continue to plow through the day, jus for the paycheque at the end of the 2 weeks. I can even handle one day.

So i guess my problem in a nutshell is, I don't have enough skillsto do anything I am remotely interested in, and I can't scrape up enough motivation to settle into a job I don't find interesting. I am beginning to feel like a giant loser. Everyone around me is married, pursuing a career, working away to save up for something big, they are going out with friends, pursuing hobbies, making the most out of life. Why can't I do that? I know you aren't supposed to compare yourslef to other people, but isn't it hard not to? Unless you're living in a cabin in the middle of nowhere, comparisons are going to happen. People are everywhere, you can't help but see them and them see yourself.



Is it lack of motivation, interest, or just laziness? Am i just coming up with excuses not to do anything? All I know is I can't settle, but at the same time I am panicking because I am not getting ANYWHERE. I'm scared. Why does growing have to be so hard? Why can't I jus snap into the adult frame of mind and be one?



Thoughts and comments would be greatly appreciated. I hope I made some sense to you guys. Thanks for reading.

 

Chloe1980 Chloe1980
31-35, F
11 Responses Mar 3, 2010

Hi Chloe, I understand that feeling of solitude, which come from what others would normally behave and feel. Although I am not in the same situation as you. But, I feel similar.<br />
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As for an anonymous accountant in hong kong, I worked from 9am to 12pm a day. And 6 days a week. That is life in hell. I had experienced not seeing my family for over a month. Because when I am back, everyone is sleeping already. Everyone hates jobs so much. Yet, during a yelling, complaining and cursing (of coz not in front of boss :p) period for over 3 years, I am trained up. Why could this get through, I guess because I have colleagues who can yell tgt... I myself is too week..<br />
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Right now, right now I am having a three week leave because I just need to utilize my leave balances. Every friend's first response is like: why don't you go travel? What are you going to do? Well, I am enough for this because I just go blank. And, having blank days is like walking dead: eat sleep eat sleep...<br />
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There are also lots of things which others outweights me: like frequent traveling, hanging out, having nice food, etc etc... All on facebook. And me? Just a poor blank paper. That make me angry.<br />
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I always tried to relieve myself by following ways:<br />
1. Yeah~ I am different from the crowds, not superior not inferior, just different<br />
2. The vivid lives of others around me is just kind of information bias, only those who are outgoing are being spotted. There should be hell lot people being very introverted and hiding in some where.<br />
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Of course the situation is very meaningless. But, during the, I huger for working accumulates. Work, is something very useful to fill in my blank. It would soon for me to get busy!!<br />
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Sorry for my poor English, since I am a hong kong people.

well, ur not alone, hun. <br />
Try boosting ur nutrition.<br />
Talk to someomne who cvan give expert advice. dont give up.<br />
wish i cud take my own advice lol

One thing in your story stands out (besides how similar to mine it was!): You state that you're not good enough at the things you like so you could actually pursue them. Here's something that I learned that has been so useful for me:<br />
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"Better is the enemy of Good."<br />
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It's been hard to learn, because my family narrative says that my siblings and I are all brilliant (yea, right!) For me it plays out like this: I'm not a good cook, but I can get the job done each day to feed my son. I am not a good musician, but playing that instrument is fun, even if I would never try to jam with anyone else. I'm awful at tennis, but the friend I play with doesn't mind.<br />
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My thoughts to you would be to try and do a something with a topic you enjoy, even if it's for no money or anything. Maybe start a movie review blog? Maybe you might find something that you would enjoy doing in the evening, that would help you make it through the mind-numbing, awful soul destroying job that might pay the bills. <br />
<br />
Keep us posted!

**** it; we should just start a commune somewhere with a temperate climate :P

sadly enough these ppl without a conscience that you describe makes me think of my sister: she is a businesswoman at heart: cold, ruthless, driven, and one big ***** really. But she has her own business and is making something out of herself. Im the oldest sister and here I am, still stuck with my parents, working a ****** underpaying job, and wasting my life away, but not knowing how to change it. I'm not interested in anything, and am good at only a few things, but nothing enough to make a good living out of. I just feel...STUCK.

Yeah, I guess my point really had no merit. It really is a terrible thing that our situations are similar, and many others are on board as well. The fact that we are not alone is a BAD thing, and now that I think about it, it is not comforting at all. I wish I had no conscience, and could use all those dumb people to advance my own interests, and then stab them in the back once I've surpassed them. I hate religion.. where did these dumb values come from.. they don't help with any real-life ****.

Hey fallacies..thanks for your support as well. It seems a lot of us are going through the same thing. I guess what it boils down to is sink or swim. Funny you should mention about teaching...my college dipoma was in the field of teaching young children...the thing is i LOVE kids to death..the only thing i don't love is their fussy parents, cleaning up after them, the yelling/the screaming/crying, and of course.,..the pay. For all the **** we have to go through, you'd think the pay would be 20/hr and up. Meanwhile, one of the managers I have now gets paid VERY well..to press a couple of stupid buttons. Wow. I did get a job since I originally posted, but the situation isnt much better. I'm getting paid about the same as if I were teaching young children, the people are pretty much loser low lifes ((who I can't stand...why is it that nobody likes their co-workers??)and there's no room for advancement whatsoever. Not that I'd want to move up in this shithole. lol...Anyways the point is we aren't alone. And I guess that is a good thing...right?

Wow, I was going to post my own story, but you've said about all that I was going to say. It's nice to know that I'm not alone. I have a worthless arts degree as well (history). I can be a teacher within a year, but I hate kids and would rather not make decent money while wanting to die. I am also unemployed, and have worked horrible jobs dealing with the public. I hate seeing others succeed, knowing that they are stupider than myself and are lying to themselves that they are happy. They have all attained 'success' through nepotism and/or using their 'friends' to get a job. I've chosen to ignore them all. I've cut off all persons whom I've been associated with and now live as a hermit. Sorry to have talked about myself for so long there, but I wanted to let you know that you are not alone. It is a frustrating time to be of this age. 30 years ago, I would be tossing sacks of grain at the docks for $20/hr. Adjust to inflation, and that'd probably be like $35+. After dropping out of high school. ****.

it´s seems like you are depressed too. I think you need an alternative way of life, don´t compare yourself to siblings or other people. try to free yourself of the status-stress in what you are "supposed" to have achieved at 30. try to fill your life with what genuinly makes you happy and inspired. it´s not about what you do, it´s about how you feel. maybe there is some way you could work part-time and pursue other things the rest of the time, even if it means going on a strict budget.<br />
life moves through different phases and yours will too. try to enjoy where you are now even if it is not perfect. i wish you the best. take care:)

First off, thank you for your support ;) I have tried to motivate myself into plowing through a boring job jus so i can see a paycheque and do the things I really wanna do, but I just can't! I'll be able to do it for a few months (if that) but in the end, boredom and lack of motivation gets the better of me and I give up...ugh!! Happiness is so much more important to me than getting a paycheque...if i'm not happy i can't do it...such is my curse :(

I just want you to know I read this. You know there aren't any magic answers. It sounds like you have found the thing that turns you on yet. Working a job you don't like isn't any fun but if it pays the bills and allows you to do the things you do love then that can make it worth while. Good luck to you!