Life Just Got Better, But I'm On My Own In Trouble.

Hi, I am a 21 year old gay man. I don't like the fact I am gay, but it is what I was born like so cannot help natural sexual urges towards men. I have had a few boyfriends, but now single for 3.5 years. It seems a bit un-natural to me, more so now than when younger, although I came out about 6 years ago. I think age has made me less comfortable with my sexuality as It isn't a wholesome lifestyle such as a straight relationship which is accepted a lot more and children are made and the blood carries on. In June 2009 I was suspended from my job in the NHS, which I was progressing in well, until a stupid mistake I made came back to haunt me. They suspended me because I had looked up my friends on the system out of curiosity and to an extent 'googled' patients to find unique names etc. I never intended to talk about this information it's just the curiosity and the availability of the system. I did tell my friend that I had looked up her notes and she was not very happy (rightfully) and reported me. I do these stupid things almost in a different sort of personality as if I want to sound like I am funny or something for breaking the rules when I KNOW its not ethical and should be kept confidential. My hanging out friend is very critical of me and makes me feel like i have to impress her somehow by doing rebellious things to keep her laughing or something ridiculous. This friend and I do mainly joke around and don't have a friendship where serious subjects are discussed so she is just for having a laugh really. So i was suspended from my post which was very distressing for my Mother who worked in the same place as me. I told her what happened and she was very depressed about the situation as it was a clear case of dismissal. I told my mum its MY problem let me deal with it, but she had to deal with everyone asking whats happened to me and trying to keep it fairly quiet and worrying about my future. I was suspended for 5 months on full pay, I tried to stay positive, and I have always hidden my true emotions or masked them with humor, but after being suspended I started a drug habit of ketamine. I had been a occasional drug user previous to this, at a party or event but nothing regular. I was taking Ketamine with friends and alone, about 2/3 days a week to start with and I always paid for my friends drugs just so I wasn't alone sometimes. When it reached the summer break people were out every day and so was I taking k and going out all night, sometimes taking something else. I thought i wasn't addicted in the body dependent way, but thats because i could go without it for few days or longer if desired, i was just addicted to the whole going out with friends, and the general feeling of it. after a few months of this weekly routine and pushing my work investigation to the back of my mind, I made friends with some new people to the town who were into the drug scene. after a month or so of acquainting myself with a girl, we started to order mephedrone (a research chemical) off the internet to try, and found this very exciting and ordered a lot! I was awake for 3/4 days at a time on this horrendous chemical that was a stimulant, not eating as it didn't occur and just thinking it was funny we all stayed awake so long sniffing this stuff and didn't really move. This was going on every week though and we were looked at as freaks who were entirely crazy! we were! and the people that I met that were friends of these crew are the sort of people i would think, they are a bit out of hand. But i didn't see this, i saw new friends to talk to and take drugs with. I bought about 5 grams at a time and this would be taken over 4 days or so. People in the group could see I was taking a lot and not taking care of myself, more so than anyone else. I dropped to 7stone 6 (being 5' 9) and i liked being super boney as I used to be anorexic and craved a skeletal body, so it was bringing back old demons that were making me happy but i looked terrible! I would get very angry if someone said eat something and rarely paid attention to people saying i looked sunken and unwell.
Finally when they decided to dismiss me from my post in the NHS, i was thinking of a career in selling drugs which i did fairly low key for the next month or so, up until around new year. Not making any money, just spending it on more drugs for myself. In all this time my mother did not know this was happening, she was having an assessment in a mental centre which I didn't really acknowledge as I was only interested in my drug habit. She was also seeing a man who was an alcoholic and I didn't like him whatsoever so I avoided going home whenever and didn't talk to my mother as i was angry with her for not seeing this man as i did. In the new year I was starting to be disliked by many for my selfish drug taking and bitchiness about people when i was trying to amuse people. The group of people made it quite clear by February that i was not welcome and I left the group on bad terms claiming i was not what they said i was. I then didn't really do any drugs for a week or so. But i craved it, so i got old friends to start it with me and that would be 10 grams over 2 nights between a few of us. every week though not continuously. this lasted until around March when these friends just saw that I was a druggie who was wanting friends only to take it with. This ended on a night of severe paranoia from being awake too long and general nastiness towards me. I went cold turkey and started on looking for a job and repairing family relationships. My mother was getting used to me looking for a job and i found one with an agency, and it was a huge relief for my mum. but after checking my references they decided not to take me on, hence me telling them everything and explaining that i want a second chance doing what i am good at. this was not really a bother for me, but my mum. My grandparents didnt know why i wasnt in work and it would disappoint them to know I broke the rules. The pressure on my mum was very intense to keep it quiet but having to vent to someone! her relationship with her partner ended on a bad note as he was not mentally well and said unforgivable things about myself and my brother to her which was the final straw! When he left I was so happy, as my mum was not tied down looking after an alcoholic who was a lost cause and would never change. She was a lot happier almost immediately!
In the summer of this year i went to London for a fund raising interview, but got the wrong day. this was the day that presented the next hurdle i would have to cross, because another stupid thing i did. I went to the public toilets at the train station to cruise in a respect. I don't ever cruise usually, but my urges that i so often suppress get the better of me and i take part in this irresponsible act. I was caught ************ in the urinal with another man watching and questioned by the police in which i was so ashamed because i am gay, and it just gives the gay community a bad name. He said i would hear from them at some point. so after the end of summer waiting for a response i forgot all about it and managed to get a job offer in the October this year. It was a job i had wanted and was so happy to be getting back on my feet again. But on the same day my court summons came through the post to attend court on 22nd November. I am worried because i have no idea what i'm facing and what this could mean for my new job, and reputation and mainly my mother. It was put to the back of my mind for couple of weeks but at weekend i was faced with drugs again which i wanted especially to escape the reality of court. I believed i could just take a bit at the party and then stop like I used to in previous years, and on one or 2 occasions earlier this year but it was never a drug I liked as much as uppers, but as soon as I was on the Substance so similar to Mephedrone I began to get a concave stomach i was happy again i was losing the weight i put on in the summer (which was needed) I took a lot more and left my friends party when it died down and carried on at home without feeling stupid about it I think it is time to get some drug counseling as it's not something I can do on occasion, its an addiction thats dangerous. I really need some advice on the court thing, No-one knows apart from me and it is such an unpleasant thing to share with anyone as it lowers their opinions of you, although its just the way the gay scene has evolved from prejudice, but most people aren't open minded enough to see this. I can't afford a lawyer and don't know anything about a court representation but from what I've read I wont qualify for one. I have no money in the bank in case i am faced with a fine which is likely apparently up to £5000, and in the dreaded instance of a prison sentence apparently up to 6 Months, it would just destroy my mums life again and mine! I feel like such a burden on her life, always letting her down and making these out of character mistakes which always cost me. Any advice would be VERY much appreciated as I just can't face my family knowing what I did. I'm very quiet about my sexuality at home, although both parents both accept it, i don't want them to be reminded i wont have a wife and kids and I feel like a useless human because im not programmed to want a family.
Thanks for reading if you managed to get through, it just needs a bit of depth to understand my current situation!

Anon8175 Anon8175
18-21, M
2 Responses Nov 14, 2010

I agree, you are allowed to make mistakes at the age of 21 - you are so young. I'm 27 and I remember how hard life could be when I was your age. Try not to be too hard on yourself - you sound smart and self aware, and you seem to have a pretty good sense of right and wrong - you were able to look back at everything that happened and describe honestly where you went astray. That's a whole lot better than most people, who just keep charging through life insisting that they're right and everyone else is wrong! Allow yourself to learn from your mistakes and then let them go... Listen to your inner moral compass and learn to love yourself. Try to accept your sexuality the way your parents have - reject the message from mainstream society that there's something wrong with being gay. There are millions of people who know that's not true, and those who don't are just morons. Find a good therapist to help you resolve your eating disorder and drug issues. I hope your court case went okay and that they let you off with a warning, it sounds like it was your first time in trouble with the law... And whatever you do, don't sell drugs, it's a surefire way to stuff up your future for good!

Hey,<br />
<br />
This is a very late response. I hope your court case went o.k.... I sense that you know that what you did in the public urinal was wrong, and I hope you got over it by now. At your age you are allowed to make mistakes. If 'cruising' means what think it means, I don't think you need to hide your sexuality and do risky things like that. It's dangerous. I have no clue who you are, but that made me soooo worried for you. So don't do it again! And the drugs also, our bodies are not made for all that s***. You are destroying yourself. And being skinny isn't what its all cracked up to be. I am pretty thin and I personally HATE it. It is not easy being gay in these times. i think it will take another .... 100 years or so for everyone to be okay with everyone's lifestyle. Even where I am from most of the population is homophobic. But you can't expect people to accept you.All yo could do it let them know what's up and let them do with the info. what they choose. Can their response make you un-gay?! I am straight and there are MANY aspects of my life that people refuse to accept. It ****** me off, but my personal mantra these days are 'I don't give a s***'. <br />
Well, I hope that from the day you wrote your story until now things are looking better for you. Just keep on pushing to be the great person you see yourself as. And find a hot gay lover that adores you. Later!