A Life Growing Up With No One To Talk To

Growing up my mom was overbearing and my dad was distant. So when I had a problem it was either ask the person who will blow it out of proportion or ask the person who doesn't care. This is something I have never learned to overcome and its killing me bit by bit by bit. I have uncontrollable feelings of sorrow, regret, shame, hate, anger, and I cannot control them. I know logically they are not true, but in my heart...i believe it.....thats the sad thing. I honestly believe I deserve every bad thing that happens to me, sure theres many things I can blame for that, but at this point what good would that do.

Its like every desire I have in my heart is counteracted by either my personality(expectations?) which I have nurtured to be unhealthy my entire life, or just **** I cant control. 

I'm an incredibly nice individual(and modest :p), and will do anything to help anyone I can, yet it seems this is never reciprocated. Whether that be because I allow it to happen or because I do not notice when it happens I'm not sure. Its like I have so many questions or things I am unsure of but have no way, or know no way, to find those out.

I guess the thing that eats at me the most, and really instantly makes me want to cry, is the thought of being alone my entire life. Living the normal life of a young adult this age range is full of relationships good and bad. I see it around me every day, people being in a relationship with others, knowing they are desired wanted and loved, and then also hearing their ******* complaints and their cheating and their lies and it makes me ******* sick. To see someone with EXACTLY what I want and have them squander it with petty bullshit is infuriating depressing and sorrowful. 

I know I would make a great boyfriend/husband and I want to believe that one day I will find someone who feels about me how I feel about them. Yet in 24 years, well to be fair lets start at 16 and make it 8 years, I have yet to even get a sense or hint even, that it is true. You always hear that theres someone for everyone, but the more people I meet and the more people I talk to, the less I believe that.

I just want to be loved.
lawlwut lawlwut
May 10, 2012