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P#ssed At Cancer

I'm only 40 years and both of my parents are gone. My dad died in 1999 from congestive heart failure. My mom died yesterday. The thing that upsets me is that the cancer was probably caused by a drug that was supposed to improve her quality of life. That drug is called Enbrel (sp). My mom was involved with the clinical trials years ago and has been using it for ever since. In doing research I discovered that Lymphatic Cancer and Lung cancer are "possible side effects" of this drug. My mom's cancer started out as Lymphatic cancer.
I have read other stories on here and they are truly heart rending. But, if I took any comfort in that fact; wouldn't it make me a sadist?

People have said; "she's in a better place, she's at peace, she doesn't hurt any more, blah blah frickin blah!!!
Does that make anybody feel better? Or; do people just say that because they're too ignorant to figure out that offering their sympathies is enough?
Sorry, went off on a rant.

I miss my parents. I'm too young to have both of my parents dead. I take no comfort in thinking that they are in a better place. Am I being selfish? I have friends who are their age. They aren't my parents. I want my parents back.
I have a wife whom I cherish and 4 awesome kids. I am so thankful to have them in my life. They can't take the place of my parents. How does one cope? When will I get used to being an orphan? When will I stop thinking; "I'll ask dad what he thinks?"

hougofamily hougofamily 36-40, M 2 Responses Jul 29, 2011

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My father died when I was 5 and my mother when I was 19. I have no brothers and sisters. I'm 41 yrs old and am still single and whilst I have had girlfriends along the way, the pain of having no parents has undoudbtedly led to relationship breakdowns. Its tough and somehow I solider on, hoping that some day I can get over this situation. I understand your loss completely. 22 years since losing my mother, I still feel empty inside and feel that something is missing and wish I knew how to fill that void.

I can relate to you half way at least. I am thankful to still have my mom though. Daddy (who I was closest to) passed away six years ago next month. The first year was rough, I would wake up forgetting and when I remembered it was like he died again. Now, however, I find myself getting through just by knowing what he would have said about things. It seemed to get a little easier around the third year, but then felt worse between then and the fourth year. I think the real difference is that somewhere inside I have come to terms with my loss. The part of me that could not cope, is coping. I wish I could tell you how, but the truth is I don't know myself. All I can share with you is what my Daddy always told me. Which is, "The sun will come up tomorrow, the birds will sing, and your feet will hit the floor whether you want them to or not". The answers will come in your time. Try not to expect too much of yourself, and give yourself credit for getting out of bed each day in spite of how you feel. I know how hard that can truely be at times.