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I'Ve Alienated Myself

I've always been a loner, but it getting worse.

I've cut myself off from most of my family, as i dont like some of them as people. i dont believe the "have my back" so to speak. I often think that they will turn up at my funeral and i can do nothing to tell them to get lost.

I've fallen out with my sisters, i cant call it sibling rivalry, i'm 38 with children. I've moved away from them, i feel isolated at times but i'd never go back.

My eldest is at uni, and she has such a great social life as she should. She encourages me to get out there but something is stopping me. Im a black woman living in a largely caucasian area, its fine by me, but i still havent met anyone to call a friend here.

The girl i called my bestie said something below the belt the other day (probably due to the beer on a saturday night) but i took it badly. I'm worse than i was before with my "trust no-one" attitude.

Funny enough im outgoing, always the centre of the party, (often to the amusement of others) i like to entertain my guests (when i have them) and i think people genuinley enjoy my company.

Something is missing. It would be nice to wake up to an email or text that is not from my daughter or son, but a new friend. I yearn to meet up for pub lunches or lunch at my place. Look forward to having a friend come over to have a coffee, glass or two of wine.....Sunday roast at the local pub.....

I have indulged in drink over the years and maybe this has caused this problem. I can chat for hours when ive been drinking, keep in touch with family, but its really just me at home bored with a drink. When i have'nt been drinking i dread talking to them.

I need something to change, i see myself as a loyal friend but i sometimes dont think people are worth it. Fair weather friends. Only when things are going right and they need me....Not available when its all gone wrong and i just want a cuddle or chit chat. Why do people always want something from me?

I could go on but i think ive made my point so glad ive found this forum, i really am not alone afterall :-)

Best wishes to you and your journey x
dmiracle14 dmiracle14 36-40, F 2 Responses Feb 7, 2013

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You hit the nail on the head with this post. I am almost 100% in the same shape. I have distanced myself from most friends and family. I'm starting to find people boring or phoney. I do the same thing with drinking alone because I have nothing better to do and it might be becoming an issue. I too am very social at parties and people gravitate towards me in general but I find myself pushing them away when they get too close.

Thank you for writing what you did. I can relate.

At times, I don't think it is worth it to have friends. Most of the time , I don't think it's worth it either. I don't have a relationship with most family except parents and brother, nice and nephew. But even they find something wrong with me. I do feel alienated at times. I am basically a loner by choice. Seems no one wants to be. That's ok. I am a bit happier being alone. It would be nice to do like what you are doing. Just chill. Fake friends come a dime a dozen, real friendship is a diamond in the rough. I seem to attract the losers. I am in the middle of changing that mindset of feeling sorry for myself because it does no good. Why should I? I wish that some of these people on this site can get together. We have a lot in common.