I'Ve Alienated MyselfI've always been a loner, but it getting worse.
I've cut myself off from most of my family, as i dont like some of them as people. i dont believe the "have my back" so to speak. I often think that they will turn up at my funeral and i can do nothing to tell them to get lost.
I've fallen out with my sisters, i cant call it sibling rivalry, i'm 38 with children. I've moved away from them, i feel isolated at times but i'd never go back.
My eldest is at uni, and she has such a great social life as she should. She encourages me to get out there but something is stopping me. Im a black woman living in a largely caucasian area, its fine by me, but i still havent met anyone to call a friend here.
The girl i called my bestie said something below the belt the other day (probably due to the beer on a saturday night) but i took it badly. I'm worse than i was before with my "trust no-one" attitude.
Funny enough im outgoing, always the centre of the party, (often to the amusement of others) i like to entertain my guests (when i have them) and i think people genuinley enjoy my company.
Something is missing. It would be nice to wake up to an email or text that is not from my daughter or son, but a new friend. I yearn to meet up for pub lunches or lunch at my place. Look forward to having a friend come over to have a coffee, glass or two of wine.....Sunday roast at the local pub.....
I have indulged in drink over the years and maybe this has caused this problem. I can chat for hours when ive been drinking, keep in touch with family, but its really just me at home bored with a drink. When i have'nt been drinking i dread talking to them.
I need something to change, i see myself as a loyal friend but i sometimes dont think people are worth it. Fair weather friends. Only when things are going right and they need me....Not available when its all gone wrong and i just want a cuddle or chit chat. Why do people always want something from me?
I could go on but i think ive made my point so glad ive found this forum, i really am not alone afterall :-)
Best wishes to you and your journey x