What Is Wrong With Me?!When I was younger I had friends and family. Maybe the friends and family I had was somewhat dysfunctional but never the less I had them. I don’t know what happened. I used to go out to eat with friends, go to parties, to the movies, bars and I dated a lot. Somewhere along the way though everything changed…what? It seems that most of the change came after I got pregnant with my son. I have to admit most of my friends were party pals. It wasn’t until after I got pregnant that I realized many of my party pals were not my friends at all. I couldn’t very well hang out at the bars pregnant. Drinking, doing drugs and whoring around was not an option any more. I just wanted to be a good mother. “Friends’ would call wanting to go out to a bar and I’d turn them down. Eventually they stopped calling. After I had my son some of them started calling again but I soon realized that the life I lived before motherhood was no longer the life I wanted to go back to. From there my social life went down yet I still had some good friends and family left. Then I got married. Perhaps I should have thought that move out more but I was tired of being alone and trying to raise my son alone. I don’t know what is harder than being a single parent who is trying to support a kid alone and being both mom and dad. It defiantly doesn’t leave much time for a social life. My son was/is everything to me but sometimes I think I gave up living to ensure him a good stable home. Who am I trying to fool? Even with all my best intentions I screw up, but no one could ever say I didn’t do my best. My son never liked his step dad or his son nor did his son like my son. It made my marriage a living hell. I did love my husband but I guess I spent most of my marriage reminding myself of that. It felt so good to have a family even if it was a little screwed up at times. I might have felt pulled in too many directions and always being the peace maker was exhausting. I look back on those times and think maybe it wasn’t so bad. Then I remember how I was surrounded by everyone making demands on me. My time, what I did, who I seen and even who I should be was everybody’s but my own. When my husband left me I felt like a new and better person. My son was 16. He worked, went to school and hung out with friends leaving me with free time to do my own thing. With out my husband there to tell me what, when and were to go and who I should be, I was free to be me! Or perhaps I should say to find me. I was loving it too. For the first time in years I had friends and I felt good about me. Then he (my husband) came back in my life and it seemed he fell in love with me stronger than ever and I with him. It seemed that we could make it this time only he wanted our life together to be “normal” (live together). Who can really say they know what normal really is? How was it normal to go back to the life we lived before when we were both miserable and separate we were so happy? Once again he stole my heart then walked away with it.
I didn’t even get the chance to get over the hurt I was feeling losing my husband before my very beloved Dad fell ill and 7 months later passed away from brain cancer. Then my son move out shortly there after. I’m left alone now, I have no one left. Perhaps it was my own fault that my husband walked away. Maybe I should have fought to keep him or maybe it is for the best. Parents die, it’s a fact of life we all die. Why should I feel sorry for myself that my father is no longer on earth with me? I’m not the only one who has lost a loved one. I raised my son to be independent so why should I take it so hard that my son has done exactly what I raised him to do? Why dose this hurt so much and why do I feel so alone? Why can’t I just move on and let myself make new friends? Where would I even start? Could it be that I am afraid I will just lose everyone I care about just as I have always done? What is wrong with me?!
stonewilder 36-40, F 4 Responses 1 Jun 3, 2007