Trying to Maintain My Optimism
As i grew older my life has gone from bad to worse..
It really hurts because I can't seem to adapt to the major changes that happened in my life in so little time..and I wonder everyday when i would just hit rock bottom..
My parents got divorced very recently and it was very very ugly with custody issues, courtrooms, testimonies and all sorts of horrible things. I end up with my mom and my dads side of the family literally shuns us. It's not the 'shunning' that's bothering me..its how easily my own family could just evict you from their lives. I'm not a very big fan of my dad and he has done so many things in the past that still make me cry. I don't hate him because after all..he is still my dad. To some certain extent I'm glad my parents got separated bcoz mom was going through so much and dad wasn't exactly being the nicest person. Shes happy now or happier at least and that's the only thing that makes me hopeful.
Back in the day i loved my life and loved my family with all the ties and closeness and this sense of belonging..
That's all gone now and it hurts me so so much. I am so angry at so many people and I really am not trying to sound over confident but i have gone through so much much more than a 50 year old has been through..
i believe in destiny and maybe this was all meant to happen and maybe i am the person i am today because of all the things i have been through..but why oh why does it have to be so hard? :(
apart from me not having any family ties anymore its how i have no one to talk to.
talking about how i feel makes me feel better and i need to feel better quite often. Its not the question of me not having a friend or not but of whether i can trust anyone after the ongoing backstabbing by so-called friends i used to have. I am trying to move past so many things that happened to me in the past and oh my God I am killing myself just trying to remain as optimistic as i can but it is so hard. This whole 'lonely' thing is just killing me, i hate feeling sorry for myself bcoz i know that i am a good person and i am trying to live for myself and not for others for a change. I hope i end up fine..i really really do..