I Really Don't

I’m 15 and a freshman in high school. I am a complete mess and none of the sugar-coated responses of “it’ll get better with time” don’t work with me becuase I know nothing will work out no matter how hard I’ll try. I am severely socially awkward and a complete spaz everywhere I go. I have zero self-confidence that I can’t improve. I have greasy and dry skin all over my body and pretty bad acne. I’ve tried every over the counter medication and my insurance wont cover “cosmetic” treatments. My head and facial hair look retarded. I am generally ugly and no girl has or ever will find me attractive, and the “there’s someone for everyone” doesn’t roll with me. I am so ******* stupid and because my teachers are douchebags and ******* I don’t have any motivation to do anything. I have ZERO friends and no one at my school likes me at all and think I’m a freak. I am so boring. I suck at all sports, no matter how hard I try. Being falsely optimistic doesn’t work.

I hate my family and they hate me. I have absolutely nothing to lose by committing suicide. I don’t want people posting that they care about me because they feel sorry or don’t wont to feel guilty. It wouldn’t make a difference if I did die.

BeatlesFan45 BeatlesFan45
13-15, M
1 Response Mar 1, 2010

My experience in high school was pretty close to yours. I did have a few friends, but I felt like they couldn't relate to me, so I felt alone even in their company. I felt like I was ugly - I had bad skin, I was overweight, and I felt like no matter what I did, I just couldn't look good. I was convinced that I would never have a relationship and that nobody would ever be able to love me.<br />
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Near the end of grade 11, I started to feel a bit better about myself. I suppose it was because I'd gotten through that 'awkward' stage that most kids go through in their teens. I still had bad skin, but I realized there were a lot of people with bad skin...and many of them had girlfriends or boyfriends. Then, by complete chance, I met a girl and we hit it off. She didn't even go to my school. I met her through a friend. I still felt ugly, but she told me she thought I was very attractive. It's not really your opinion that matters, you see. The only universal standard of beauty is symmetry. I'm assuming you're not Quasimodo or anything and are just having a rough time with transitioning from boyhood to adulthood.<br />
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My point is that you should not give up yet. I'm not going to tell you that things will get better, although I believe they most likely will. I'm not going to tell you that you just need to believe in yourself, because that's an incredibly difficult thing to do if you don't even feel like you're worth believing in. You may feel like you have nothing to lose by killing yourself, but let me ask you: what do you have to lose by continuing to live? You're going to die at some point whether you want to or not, so why not wait and see how your life unfolds?<br />
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The best advice I can offer you is to find an outlet for your negativity. Don't feel bad for feeling bad, just find a way to express it. Music, drawing, writing, whatever works for you. It will help. I can promise that.