The Relationship Is Over, But It Keeps Hurting.

I got an email from my father today. I have not heard from him in about a year, there is usually an annual email wishing me happy birthday and thats it. Today's email was to inform us (myself and my siblings from the first marriage) that he is altering his will to include his wife's children as equal beneficiaries. I am not sure why this hurts, its just another rejection, but it does.
As I live in a different time zone I got my father's email and my brother's reaction at the same time. My brother was also unimpressed, but actually what can you say? I think he has already done all the paperwork.
I am conflicted, on one hand I am glad he has his 2nd wife's family as it alleviates any guilt I might have about him being all alone in his old age. On the other hand I kind of resent them as they are getting an engaged father-figure and we never got that. The father we had was emotionally disengaged and remote, he never really got involved, he was just around. When he did get involved all he did was provide more fodder for my therapist to talk to me about!
Its hard to be a part of the discarded family that didn't work out. Even now, almost 18 years after I left home, I still feel that yearning for a family that does not exist. The problem was that for my first 8 years the family unit was a good place to be, there was love and there was attention. When that stopped I was old enough to not only notice, but feel rejection and sadness. The ensuing years of fighting, emotional warfare between the parents and their shift in focus away from their children were damaging and difficult. We all bear the scars of their disaster of a marriage, infidelity and greed in the divorce. There was no consideration about what might be best for us, just what they wanted and when. They were selfish, self-absorbed and emotionally divorced from their children.
So we left as soon as we could at 17 or 18, none of us really have any contact or relationship with either of them. They have both remarried and have step-children they seem to prefer to the starter-children of their previous marriage.
And still, after all the years and all the disappointment and wishing things were a little different it still hurts when the replacement-children are to share what little inheritance there is.
And, its not about the money, its something to do with the idea of my Grandparent's money (my father has none) going to people they did not even know. My Grandparents provided some of the only tangible love that we had and maybe thats the root of the problem. Maybe this change in the Will is about my mind thinking its some kind of re-distribution of love? Maybe if my Grandparent's money goes to these strange step-children (they are adults) it means they are receiving some of MY love? Well, I have certainly given myself something to think about. Let me know if any of you have any thoughts on this?
deleted deleted
26-30
Dec 4, 2012