I Have No Self Esteem.

Hi, my name is Tori. I'm 14 and starting highschool as a Freshman. I used to be so happy with my life, and I never used to care about the things I do now. I became obsessed with my weight going into 8th grade. I was the only one of my friends who was overweight and couldn't look good in a bikini. I cut down my eating portions and exercised almost 4 hours a day. I dropped from a size 7 to a size 3. I lost 14 pounds, but I was still unsatisfied, because I still had a wide waist. The first day of school I started starving myself. I went for 3 days without eating, and then ate a few pieces of candy, and then starved myself for 6 more days. Up until December, I starved and shrinked. I went from 114 pounds, to 89 pounds. and I could barely fit in a size 1 anymore. People would always notice how skinny I was, and they'd call me anorexic. People would always sit behind me and poke my bones. I actually kind of liked it. But one day I looked at a picture of me in a tank top and shorts, and I realized how fragile and sick I looked. My ribs were poking through my skin, and so were my hipbones. I looked like a walking skeleton. After seeing that picture, I started pigging out on everything I could find in the house, and I gained and gained. I ended up back where I as, 130 by February. People started to call me fat again, and I started wearing baggy clothes to cover up my fat. I wished more than anything to be at the size I was, I didn't care how skinny, or sick I looked. I didn't want to be fat. I starved myself again, but this time, my weight wouldn't budge. I was put in the hospital in late February, after my mom found a diary I had wrote. In there, were notes about how I was such a screw up and how I wished to be dead. She had also found numerous cuts up and down my arms. She took me to Palos hospital where there, I spoke to a counselor and got my blood drawn. I couldn't believe my mother thought I was taking drugs too! I had trusted the counselor not to tell my mom what I told her. But she did. The lady said that I was recommended to go to Alexian Brothers, a behavioral facility where kids like me went. I was taken by an ambulance there. That night, I slept with the anorexics. I couldn't believe my mother wanted me gone. I cried and cried and cried that night. I couldn't stand living somewhere where I knew no one, and the lifestyle seemed so alien to me. I woke up, and there I was moved to the self-injury section. I stayed there for 4 days until I was discharged, and the therapy and group did not help at all. I came home, still feeling always down on myself. I felt like no one would ever understand me. Everyone at school hated me, and I felt so ugly and fat all the time. I wanted to die more than anything. So about 2 weeks after my release from the hospital, I overdosed on Nyquil and Painkillers the morning I went back to school. I collapsed not long after school started, I was walking in the hallway, pale and dizzy, and my legs started shaking. I collapsed on the floor. One of the students made me lay on my sweater. Everyone was staring, as I laid, convulsing in the middle of the hallway. I thought I was going to die. The pain was excruciating and I could see my life flash before my eyes. Students and teachers circled around me. Children were staring at me from the classrooms. I was going to die. I was told not to close my eyes, but I did anyways. The nurse came with a wheel chair and they had to lift me onto it. I was taken downstairs and put on the floor. I was then taken to the nurses office where my mom was called. My mom came in worried. She considered taking me to the hospital to get checked but I was terrified. I didn;t want her to find out it was more than just a sip of Nyquil and a painkiller. I had swallowed 11 painkillers and drank half a bottle of Nyquil. Fortunatley the hospital was packed, so my mom took me back to my nana and papas, there I ate, and threw up 3 times until I left back home. There I threw up clear stuff 6 more times. I came back to school 2 days later, and there was so much gossip, which I ignored. My friends were mad at me. I started going home after lunch, to avoid being made fun of in gym. In April, I improved. I started eating healthy and exercising. I ate 3 square meals a day and 3 healthy snacks. On April 16th, I started dating a boy named Michael. He liked me since 7th grade, and after opening up to him and getting to know him, I started to like him. I was jealous of his ex though. She was skinny, pretty, and popular and I felt disgusting compared to her. Michael still liked her, and I felt so ugly whenever I was around him. She liked to flirt with him and I was so jealous. Every guy liked her, and I always felt not good enough. My self-esteem dropped like crazy. Michael kept telling me he liked me. He always told me how beautiful I was and how he thought I was perfect and I always rolled my eyes because I knew it wasn't true. From then, I put myself down all the time. I always tell myself I'm not good enough for anybody. I always remind myself how ugly I am and how I have thin hair and I'm fat. I feel too ugly to leave the house, because I feel people will laugh at me. I look at pictures of me and cry. I look at myself in the mirror and I cry. I always look at pretty girls and models and wonder why I can't be like that. I always feel bald and fat and ugly and I hate when people look at me. It's August and I'm single again because I can't take long distance relationships. My family and friends and Michael always tell me how beautiful I am, and I know that they're only lying. I don't even want to start school because I will be so ugly compared to the other girls there. I feel like I am the ugly oneout of my friends. I have tried all these pills to make my hair thicker and no matter how much makeup I put on, I'm still disgusting. I hate myself and I wish I was dead. and Plus, I am good at nothing. I'm terrible at every sport I've tried, I'm not talented, and I can;t do one simple thing right. It's like I'm a waste of life.  
ladyyram ladyyram
Aug 10, 2010