Broken Envious Shy GuyI'm a shy guy who has no clue how to change, and would be too frightened to try even if social interaction did make sense to me.
I have no social skills, having been sheltered by relatives that I lived with for my entire childhood. I was homeschooled (I do online coursework now), not allowed to be with other kids for any reason, and was raised to act as dorky as possible, a problem I'm still trying to fix several years after I stopped being under their care. I'm shy too, in the sense that I never start conversations save for when forced (such as buying things or being roped into someone else's conversation), and the thought of walking up to someone and just saying "hi" stupefies and scares me. I don't like other people much either, easily being repulsed by them annoying or overly-bothering me.
A shortcoming of mine is that I lose all sense of security when I encounter someone better at something than I am. I've been a student with absolutely perfect grades my entire life, having been conditioned by fellow Caucasian family members (who eerily resemble the unfair stereotype of Asians forcing their children to get all As) to be perfect. I tend to just shut down and give up on something when I see that someone else can do it easily or better and I can't. I feel worthless compared to them and simply become depressed and stop bothering. This seems to be one of my problems socially too: I see people talking and laughing together in real life like it's the easiest thing in the world, and I just don't feel normal, being unable to see how I'd do the same. If I can't even do that, what hope do I have of not being a joyless loner?
I'm often envious of others. It makes me ask questions in my own head. "Why can you do this thing easily while I constantly struggle?" "Why did am I so messed up with such a weird life while your life is nearly perfect, just like those stupid, sappy TV movies?" "Why does everyone hate me but love you?"
I think another problem I have socially is that I might be slightly OCD. Whenever a single detail goes awry or someone messes something of mine up no matter how small, it either makes me extremely angry or depresses me to the point of giving up on the entire thing over the small detail.
I think I'm afraid of face-to-face social situations. I'm alright with talking to people over the internet using my voice, but I refuse to show my face or engage in video chat with others showing their faces for some reason. I have no insecurity when just using text or voice, but faces remove what little security I have instantly. Hell, people even tell me or tell my parent that I'm handsome and very nice and well-mannered. I don't see where they get the thought that I look good from, considering I think I look hideous.
By far, the worst part of my social idiocy is my lack of any experience with love. I've never had a girlfriend, never been attracted to anyone who could potentially love me or had someone be attracted to me, and the closest thing I've ever experienced to bed matters involves just me, some images on my monitor, and far too much spare time.
I simply feel broken. Broken, pointless, unable to grasp what normal people call social interaction. It's not as if I don't want to be around others and have fun, I'm just unable to figure out how or summon the courage to get out and do it. I'm not that old, really, still in the midst of my teen years (turning 17 soon). Yet, I feel already like I'm doomed to be that one guy who sits far away from others, alone, depressed, and unable to join the happy crowds despite how much he wants to. I just wish I could be normal, have normal friends, get out and do normal things. Instead of that, I spend most days on the computer, doing whatever I can to forget my troubles.
If there's anything good that's come from my social ineptitude, it's total resistance to peer pressure and little response to fear cues. When someone attempts to pressure me into doing something or tries to pick a fight, I find it incredibly easy to just ignore their attempts and move on. I also seem to be very resilient to things most people consider scary, such as jump-scares. Most people would yell or jump back, but being that I was never taught to follow that, I typically flinch a bit or silently spaz out for a split-second and then regain composure quickly. Not even the idea of death bothers or frightens me in the slightest. It actually interests me, and I find myself curious and eager to see who is right, if anyone, when my time comes.
All in all, I see a life ahead of me involving silently hating and envying all of the "normal people" and spending much of my time huddled away from them, trying to do anything to forget my faults and ease the wait until the day a bus comes by at the right time and place. Maybe I'll get lucky and someone will figure out what's wired wrong in my head, so they can prescribe me some pills that make me all happy and normal. Maybe I'll just make them go "what the" and they won't do jack for me. Only time will tell.
Sorry for all the text. I just had to get my feelings out in the open.
TurboSaxophonic 16-17, M 3 Responses 1 Jul 5, 2012