My History.

Before I state my piece I would just like to say that I have not been officially diagnosed with Ocd, I don't know if I have the full illness, because I don't suffer with excessive compulsions but I do suffer with excessive, distressing obsessions. Sometimes they are worse than others and I don't get them all at the same time, one obsession will go and be relaced by another. My way of dealing with the awful thoughts are avoidance, either by leaving the room, self harming, emotionally battering myself or trying to force the thoughts away which is incredibly hard.

I have struggled with obsessive thoughts in various forms. They started when I was about 9 or 10. When I was a kid, I was obsessed with symetry, I would be walking up the road and the tips of my feet would have to be perfectly aligned with the yellow stripes on the road to the lines on the brick walls. In fact every step had to be perfectly aligned with some object. Over time, innapropriate sexual, violent thoughts came to the point, I could not have a conversation with anyone without thinking horrible things, my eye contact is poor. I have had thoughts about behaving innapropriatly in public, swearing, pushing strangers over, going into a bank and making threats to rob it. When I'm at the traffic lights and see someone's bag, I feel an urge to pickpocket, though I don't want to. I get paranoid in supermarkets, I'm tempted to steal and start feeling nervous even though I havn't done anything, the security guards look at me suspiciously. I've recently started wasting money on clothes that I rarely wear, just because when I wear clothes that I have bought before and even though I am clean, I feel dirty wearing anything unless it is brand new. A few years ago, I was compulsively hoarding stuff, anything like broken bits of jewellry, bits of paper which meant nothing but I just couldn't throw them away because I was scared that I would be saying goodbye to them forever, they held sentimental value even though they were complete bits of rubbish. Toilet checking, fear of using toilets, worried that people could hear me using them. Obsessed with catching HIV using a toilet. Dislike using taps in public toilets because they are usually moist and smeary. I refuse to go out unless my outfit is perfectly co-ordinated, if one thing sticks out, i have to change my whole outfit. When I leave my house, I check my bag over and over to see if i have not forgotten my keys. When I'm walking down the road, I'm terrified a driver is going to lose his control behind the wheel and drive straight into me.

Just to say at the end, I am relatively stable at the moment, the thoughts are still but like I said, I use avoidance tactics. The one's that could potentially get me into trouble, like stealing, I manage to control. I don't know how but I do it, but I avoid being too near to someone for fear of losing control. So you could say any potential compulsions are well under control apart from checking and contamination.

bubblegum84 bubblegum84
26-30, F
2 Responses Feb 18, 2010

Thanks buddy, that means alot. Luckily all seems to be okay at the moment, when they do come on, they come on strong especially when there's loads of stress in my life.

If you ever want to chat just give me a buzz,ok