I Obsess Over Interactions With People And Trying To Always Do The Right Thing

Ever since I was little, I'd replay situations over and over in my head. As an adult, I push away my friends, family, and husband. I obsess over always wanting to do the right thing, and always wanting to push the people around me to do the right thing. Let me tell you, it ****** people off! Other people spend their time justifying the little wrong things they do, then slip off into dreamland happy as a clam. I obsess over whether I said something wrong, did something wrong, hurt someone's feelings, etc... till I can't fall asleep.

I always try to do what is right, and sometimes I say something mean to my husband or get too preachy towards someone. Then I replay the situations, ask people about their feelings, obsess, obsess, obsess! I try to look at it from an objective angle and figure out if I was right, or if I should apologize, or what.

If I am right, I obsess over wanting the other person to know that they did something wrong so they can improve themself. If I am wrong, I beat myself up and become severely depressed. I apologize to the person, but I feel resentment towards people who don't apologize to me.

When I am unsure whether or not I did something wrong, I try to seek approval from other people. I keep repeating myself or re-stating things a different way until I get a response I like. Only when I get that approval, or feel like I can relax. And sometimes I STILL feel bad even when I'm right. I want people to know what happened so they understand where I'm coming from. And I find myself losing respect for people if I don't feel like they do the right thing enough, or feel appropriately bad for it. I push those people away.

I am very sensitive to people's feelings, but I try to act like I'm not. It's like I can actually FEEL what other people are feeling. And I am very intuitive to very subtle body language, word/sentence meanings, etc that sometimes people aren't aware that they are even doing! I have found that I am usually reading the person correctly, but they are not even aware of what's going on themselves. I feel very misunderstood because there is nothing but good intentions behind my actions, even if I try to be frank and it hurts people's feelings. I feel like I am right in this, but I still obsess over how it makes other people feel and wanting them to understand where I'm coming from. It is an endless cycle and I always end up depressed and contemplating doing bad things to punish myself.

I wish people could be honest and have good intentions, and quit being so damned politically correct! My two goals in life: 1) to always keep growing and becoming a better and fuller person, 2) to find my true love and spend the rest of our lives together. I obsess over both of these and I'm sure it doesn't help to accomplish either of them. I drive my husband insane by asking him questions. If he tells me about his day, I ask him question after question trying to analyze whether he did the right thing, or what he COULD do to help the situation. I get angry with him if I don't feel like he is pushing ME enough and demanding that I be a better person. All I want is to be healthy and happy, and a good person. And I want that for my loved ones also. I know that there are things out of my control, but I constantly scrutinize every situation to try and figure out if there's ANY little thing I can do.

I think with my husband, he loses some of his own drive as a result of me pushing him so hard. He gets lazy because he knows I will complain and get upset when I need him to change something. He is not pro-active at all anymore. It makes me so angry and feel less loved. But I am trying to figure out what I can do to help him be more proactive! I see how stupid it sounds. I think myself around and around in circles. I find that I am the problem, and I beat myself up!