Obsessive Thoughts - It's Scary.

I haven't been feeling "right" since October 29th, a little less than a month ago. It started simple enough...I looked over at my boyfriend one night and thought to myself, "Do I really love him?" The thought shocked me at first...why would I ask myself that? Everything had been perfect in our relationship. Nothing was wrong. Little did I know the thought would consume me for 3 more weeks. It got to the point where I started looking at him differently, feeling like I didn't recognize him, constantly questioning my feelings and having to validate my feelings every time I saw him. I would then get anxiety thinking/hoping/praying my feelings would be the same every time I saw him. I didn't want to feel this way anymore. "Of course I love him," I thought to myself...but why did I feel so stomach sick? So guilty? Like something just wasn't "right?" That "not right" feeling wouldn't go away. What was going on? I obsessed over the thought for weeks. My appetite had dwindled down to nothing and I felt like a robot - going through the motions of the day, but not feeling like I was all there. Eventually, I reached out to a school therapist. I had explained to her my history with depression and being on antidepressants 5 years ago. After a week of going to her, I started to feel a little better. I noticed that when I just tried to let myself relax around my boyfriend, I felt okay, and eventually I wasn't questioning my relationship anymore. For the first time in 3 weeks, I felt a bit of hope. Then I went home for Thanksgiving break. It was as though my mind had finished obsessing over thoughts of my boyfriend, that I needed to find something else to obsess over. A thought popped into my head: "What if I don't want to live?" It scared the hell out of me! Why would I think THIS?! But over the past week, I can't get it out of my head. I don't want to die, but I have been obsessing over the 2010 suicide of one of my friends. What causes people do commit suicide? What if I wake up feeling the way he did one day? The way so many people have woken up feeling one day? I immediately felt unsettled and unsafe. I knew I wouldn't do anything, but I haven't felt content in a week. I feel like I am driving myself crazy and that I'm losing touch with reality. Strangely enough, I only find comfort being in a car and when I am working on school work. I have even questioned (to myself) if the people around me are REAL. If I am even real. What kind of thoughts are those?! I feel so uneasy. I don't feel safe. I question everything, constantly. "What is the meaning of life?" "Does anything I do even matter?" "People, even my family, would eventually get over it if I died." Everything I think is a negative thought and it scares me. I want so desperately want to erase this past month from my memory and go back to my happy self! I want to feel normal again. As I previously mentioned, I have a history (as well as a family history with depression) and I am currently on 10 mg of an antidepressant (it's week #2 of being back on). After a panic attack at home, my parents suggested that I may need to be on a higher dosage of medication. I start 20 mg tomorrow and I am seeing my counselor tomorrow. I NEED to understand how to control my thoughts. Thoughts are so scary. It's unbelievable the things you can make yourself feel or convince yourself of. I am worried. I am scared. What if I think this way for the rest of my life? This needs to go away.
HeretoHelp09 HeretoHelp09
18-21, F
1 Response Nov 27, 2012

.like woah like deel with it. Seriuzley sooo menny ppl hve is soo much worse thn u u kno. Like woah u need 2 calm down. U dnt even kno how luckee u r! way luckierr than a whol bunch of oter ppl who r worse off nd still deel w/ it!