Obessive? Compulsive? Neither?

Feeling kinda weird for awhile. Of course it always seems like when I suppress something else, another thing pops up in its place. The more I push the depression I have back, the more I start having feelings of dread, thoughts of dying and not only thoughts of dying when it comes to me but others like loved ones and friends.

I could be perfectly fine around someone like family and then something pops into my head like: "**** you, I hate you, die". Or I have violent actions in my head that I really don't want. Me and my friends could be sitting around at our respective computers and I look up and think: "Man, I want to jab a pen in his neck" or someone's driving me and I think "What would happen if I grab the wheel?" I also want to destroy things as in set them on fire, deface them or break them. I was at my friend's house for thanksgiving holiday; we all set up their xmas tree, me, him and his partner. Admiring it I said, "It'd be a damn shame if it just caught on fire." My friend looked at me as if it would be me..I wouldn't but sometimes I have an urge to ruin something or hurt someone and its scarring me. Its only part of it, I don't want to get into how when I shower, I wash myself twice because I don't feel clean enough, when I use the restroom, I wipe twice, need most things in alphabetical order, always wipe my toilet seat off twice, cant stand to use anyone else's shower when I'm sleeping over or despite saying I liked my friend's xmas tree, I have the need to rearrange their ornaments so they coordinate. It literally frustrates me if nothing is in its right place or done right the way I like it. I need order or else it drives me crazy and then I get depressed from it. I've toned it down or at least try to but its bothering me again. I'd like to think its not a form OC but then again, nothing surprises me anymore.
Lov3intheasylum Lov3intheasylum
36-40, F
Dec 1, 2012