OCD, Joy.

 Iv had a strange family life with a mother who suffers from depression and a father who I bearly saw and was a constant lier. My first episode of depression occured when I was 16. I was in the first coils of love with my girlfriend at the time and was having issues at home. The feelings I was experiencing I put done to the situation at the time and thought nothing of it and it passed about a month later. 6 months later the feelings came back. Not knowing what to do I repressed the feelings and bottled my emotions. This continued until I saw 18. At 18 I started becoming obsessive about things, like having to check my cupboards at night for fear (my OCD is about death. Whether suicide or murder. These feelings became part of my daily life and I came to enjoy them. The thought of violence made me happy, it took my mind off how I felt and made me feel like a had a form of worth (which I still don't understand.)) My depression kept coming in cycles with highs and lows. What I didn't understand at the time was that my OCD was adding to my depression and the more depressed I got the more compulsive I became.

I got to the point were I hated myself, I wanted to die. I used to play chicken with myself as I'd just walk into the road to see if I would get hit by a car. I couldn't deal with how low I felt and was becoming more aggressive with violent tendencies  towards myself and other's. It all came to a point when I had to hold myself from violently attacking a man standing in front of me for no reason. I wanted him to feel how I felt. My hate had turned to an implosive rage and when I couldn't hold it any longer it started becoming explosive. I was scared of myself. I went to my GP to explain and see if what I saw going through was natural or me. He referred my to a psychiatric nurse and in turn was referred to a shrink. I was diagnosed with OCD and depression and put on a course of citalopram which Im still on. 

This is the hardest thing in my life. Im still coming to terms with it, but the support from people in similar situations has been a real help.

LoneTiger LoneTiger
18-21, M
Feb 13, 2009