I Didn't Know What I Was Dealing With, But It Was Driving Me Insane!

It all started last August when I had a sudden thought, an urge to open a car door and jump out. I crossed my arms to prevent myself from doing so. I thought I was loosing control of my mind. Everything went well until a few months later when I repetedly started having similar thoughts but this time about killing somebody next to me by means of strangling. Then stabbing somebody with knifes. I am petrified of knifes ever since. Lately these thoughts have been much worse. I began having sexual thoughts about strangers, about other girls even though I have no homosexual tendencies, child mulesting, yelling in public. I started to lose control! I was scared to tell anyone because I didn't want them to think I was crazy and I am still scared of telling anyone. So far only my Mom knows. I also have these instances when I get scared that I will stop breathing. Then I force myself to breathe. When I noticed that I had a problem I thought it was my imagination. I rearranged my room (that is what I usually do if I have some sort of problems or I don't feel well). These random occurances made me feel horrible! I couldn't bare a thouht of thinking of killing somebody, especially my loved ones. It is more horrible than suicidal thoughts or thoughts of shouting something loud in public. I stopped watching horror movies, CSI, listen to sad music. I only come in contact with sharp objects when I am alone. Only yesterday I finally found time to look up what I have. I googled it and came across a forum where people stated similar "symptoms" and one guy said that it was called Pure-O. Then I read that some thought it was fake (which is one of my greatest worry when attempting to tell somebody) or thought it is not OCD. I honestly do not care what it is called or what is it classified as. All I know is that it is the worst feeling in the world...It is guilt and it is shame to have those thoughts and all I want is to stop.

I told my Mom last night of my findings. My family has no money therefore therapy is out of question. Also, I will not be taking pills like lithium or prozac becaue of my personal beliefs of such pills. Therefore, going to the doctors in useless. Now I am simply trying to figure out a plan to cure it. My Mom has also signed me up for Yoga, saying that it will relieve my stress (I hope so!) We also bough vitamin B complex and fish oil. So I will be taking that.

Finally, I am glad that others are willing to share their stories because it is great to know that somebody is outthere who understands what you are going through and how terrifying this is.

Tomorrow, I will be telling my boyfriend and I really hope he takes it well and does not think that I am insane.

Take care!

v4silisk4 v4silisk4
18-21, F
1 Response Mar 3, 2010

You know what, me and you have a lot in common. I would get sexual thoughts about strangers and just any guy really. Not that I'm perverted but because I would be afraid that I would do something unfaithful to my boyfriend. So if I even would see a guy, it would pop into my head that I'm interested in him just because I saw him and that I'm flirting with him even when I havent even talked to him. this is for any stranger, whether it's my boyfriend's dad himself! I sound like a perv but i know it must be because the last thing I want to do is cheat. I'm constantly aware of my thoughts, emotions, and actions and i always assume it's being unfaithful. And I'm pretty sure I read the same article about pure "O" and all the thoughts and tendancies they listed- it was all ME. then i knew I must have OCD. I also I afraid to tell people because I thought I was pathetic and crazy and that well what if I didn't have it or they would think I'm like other people who try to say they have OCD.( they'll boast they have it if they think a pencil out of place annoys them a little) which that's a pet peeve. Believe me, my sister has that kind of OCD. haha And also, I have become more obssesedto be perfect. I would do crazy things like making sure I wasnt worrying so much when I rearranged my room to how it looked before I had OCD so it wouldn't 'taint" my room with my problems. But i'm sure i've had OCD when i was little even. Just strange tenancies I would do. I think maybe my OCD evolved from when i was little. It was more compulsions every once in a while now it's some compulsions but definetly mostly in my head. I worry every waking hour literally and I became depressed and eventually thought and almost carried out killing myslef a number of times. I realized that it's not a quality life, but if i want to be happy i have to keep trying to get better. But now that i know what it is it takes a load off my mind. problems are still there but i can handle them a whole lot better and I feel good to know i'm not necassarily horribke afterall and I don;t actually want to do those things. please comment back because I havent really told anyone about this. my boyfriend has known from the start even before I knew it was OCD and some friends know but i need someone that has it to talk to