Sometimes It Is So Bad It Is Debilitating...

I havent been diagnosed with it officially but I know its there.

I don't know if there are specific name for types of OCDs but I am obsessively compulsive with 'evenness'.

Sometimes its funny. My family knows that I have to have the volume on an even number (television/stereo etc). At times, they purpoesly put it to an odd number knowing that i am watching just to laugh at me when i casually flick it back to an even number. Or when im walking outside, they laugh at me when im focusing on trying not to step on the cracks of the pavement. My cousins are so used to some of my antics, sometimes I dont mind when they laugh at me because i also laugh at how stupid it must look anyway...

Other times its so bad I seem to inflict my own headaches and often cry out of sheer frustration. Hasnt really happened in public though. What my family and close friends see is only the tip of the iceberg and i dont think i ever will tell them of my other habits as i know it is extremely irrational and hard to explain.

At first (as far as i can remember) It started off in the confinement of my room. before i slept i would hug all my teddies equally (eg 4seconds each, same amount of pressure, teddy to be in exactly the same position when i hug them) etc then it progressed to the whole house: i didnt like to see anything lonely (in ones) so id pair them up around the house... pencil on the floor- i would go and find another similar and line them up. I started eating symmetrically- slice of cheese, id bite evenly on both sides and worked my way to the middle with the same amount of bites on each side.

I noticed my habitual routines were a bit off during my primary years in school, about 9years old. I remember my teacher reading a book whilst we sat on the mat listening, as the story progressed my mind drifted off and my thumb on my left hand touched my left  forefinger so i repeated it on the other side (to even out my body experiences?) but my right thumb touched it for a longer period so i had to even it out, left side longer and right side shorter. Anyway I was siting there concentrating on getting it right (trust me this went on for a while) and a girl tapped me on my shoulder and asked what i was doing and if i was crazy. Thats when I knew it was getting worse.

I got into a massive grump with my partner a while back when we were snacking on m&m's, he ate the pair to my red m&m i specifically laid out to consume in my ocd eating pattern. I had a massive headche when I was at uni watching the librarian stack the books in 3 piles all unevenly. I almost cried when I was out with my friends and I couldnt bump my shoulder into a person the exact same way as my oher shoulder without looking crazy. When in the car I tense my body and count the number of yellow stripes in the middle of the road in twos, for every two I relax my body (in my mind i would picture myself jumping over the stripes in twos). When I walk I take an even amount of steps for every two blocks of cement (2 steps *crack in pvement* 2 steps *crack* 6 steps *crack* 6 steps *crack* 4 steps crack 4 steps crack etc etc)

I had to do all of these to feel 'right' or maybe even 'secure' to my satisfaction otherwise Id be too frustrated to do anything else. I have my bouts... its not as intense as it was when i was a kid but there are times when it comes back full fledged, Im a pro to all my habits and so I do it with ease without anyone noticing... but I would really like to stop altogether for the times when I cant match things, cant even things, cant change my strides while walking, cant eat in twos, cant tense in a full car without someone noticing, without it driving me crazy, without being stressed, without crying.
I just want to be normal without having to feel I need to justify myself with routine actions.

I want to rid of my habits without feeling debilitated mentally.

Any words of advice that doesnt involve checking myself into the pych ward? lol

lusciouskiwi lusciouskiwi
22-25, F
Aug 9, 2010