OCD Is Ruining My Life.where to begin...
I started having ocd symptoms when I was 17, and one of my worst memories was around that time was when my mom was honking the horn outside, waiting for me in the car, but I couldn't close my bedroom door "right". I just closed the door over and over again, and something wasn't "right" about how it felt. I didn't really question the experience at the time, I'm not sure why. I think the symptoms grew gradually. Over time roommates have commented about some behaviors and I've learned to internalize when other people are around by repeating phrases in my head. I've tried forced repetition (behavioral therapy) and cognitive therapy, with some luck. For a long time I've had trouble going through doorways and other thresholds, and behavioral therapy helped me gain some control of that (for instance, I can now leave my house! :) ). I know that's a strange thing to joke about, but if I don't laugh sometimes, I'll always feel like cr*p.
Now I'm afraid ocd is seriously affecting my health and my relationship with my husband. It affects my health because I've been eating to control symptoms (those of you your reading this, don't try it. It doesn't work and then you get fatter.) My husband hasn't really noticed the weight gain (or he loves me too much to comment) but the anxiety wreaks serious havoc on our relationship. You see, unlike almost *every* story I've read about ocd I have one additional symptom: I get angry. Really angry. It starts with anxiety but moves into anger because I can't control my symptoms and I get frustrated. Part of me gets so mad that I have to deal with this every day with every action; I can't turn on a faucet, go through a door, take a shower, walk, talk, or breathe without some little part of my brain wondering if I did it "right" and prompting me to do it over until I get it "right". Then I get mad at myself for never doing anything "right" to begin with. I turn into this ball of anxiety, frustration, anger, and confusion... not exactly the best marriage partner, friend or colleague. In the meantime, that little ocd part of brain is saying, "Do it over again, stupid. Do it over again idiot." I start to hate myself, the people around me, the inanimate ob
My husband believes my mom passing away is what set-off my symptoms going into overdrive, but I haven't had the heart to tell him I think what has set-off my symptoms is actually all the seemingly "good" things that have happened in the past few years: my marriage, my new job and getting ready to start a family. It's the responsibility and pressure of these events that make them at the root of my terrible ocd symptoms. I'm afraid if I say this to my husband, he'll want me to quit my job and put off starting a family, my biggest dreams in life (hey, another thing to worry about.)
It seems so messed up that my dreams coming true cause this ocd nightmare.
I would really like to hear if people have had similar experiences, I think the solidarity could help.