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OCD Is Ruining My Life.

where to begin...
I started having ocd symptoms when I was 17, and one of my worst memories was around that time was when my mom was honking the horn outside, waiting for me in the car, but I couldn't close my bedroom door "right". I just closed the door over and over again, and something wasn't "right" about how it felt. I didn't really question the experience at the time, I'm not sure why. I think the symptoms grew gradually. Over time roommates have commented about some behaviors and I've learned to internalize when other people are around by repeating phrases in my head. I've tried forced repetition (behavioral therapy) and cognitive therapy, with some luck. For a long time I've had trouble going through doorways and other thresholds, and behavioral therapy helped me gain some control of that (for instance, I can now leave my house! :) ). I know that's a strange thing to joke about, but if I don't laugh sometimes, I'll always feel like cr*p.
Now I'm afraid ocd is seriously affecting my health and my relationship with my husband. It affects my health because I've been eating to control symptoms (those of you your reading this, don't try it. It doesn't work and then you get fatter.) My husband hasn't really noticed the weight gain (or he loves me too much to comment) but the anxiety wreaks serious havoc on our relationship. You see, unlike almost *every* story I've read about ocd I have one additional symptom: I get angry. Really angry. It starts with anxiety but moves into anger because I can't control my symptoms and I get frustrated. Part of me gets so mad that I have to deal with this every day with every action; I can't turn on a faucet, go through a door, take a shower, walk, talk, or breathe without some little part of my brain wondering if I did it "right" and prompting me to do it over until I get it "right". Then I get mad at myself for never doing anything "right" to begin with. I turn into this ball of anxiety, frustration, anger, and confusion... not exactly the best marriage partner, friend or colleague. In the meantime, that little ocd part of brain is saying, "Do it over again, stupid. Do it over again idiot." I start to hate myself, the people around me, the inanimate object that seems to be the source of my ocd's wrath. My husband's patience is wearing thin, and so is my own.

My husband believes my mom passing away is what set-off my symptoms going into overdrive, but I haven't had the heart to tell him I think what has set-off my symptoms is actually all the seemingly "good" things that have happened in the past few years: my marriage, my new job and getting ready to start a family. It's the responsibility and pressure of these events that make them at the root of my terrible ocd symptoms. I'm afraid if I say this to my husband, he'll want me to quit my job and put off starting a family, my biggest dreams in life (hey, another thing to worry about.)
It seems so messed up that my dreams coming true cause this ocd nightmare.


I would really like to hear if people have had similar experiences, I think the solidarity could help.

melanie29 melanie29 26-30, F 59 Responses Jan 18, 2008

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I have OCD. I had it all my life. Since I was a little kid. When I found out I had it all along... things became clear. It was the final piece to the puzzle I had been trying to solve all my life... the answer to why I am different from the people around me. I could go on about my life, but it's really hard to open up. I came here cuz I'm morally tired. Hopefully if I meet people who have that one thing in common with me, I won't feel like I stand alone in this world. I'm willing to hear people out. I know what it's like when people don't listen to you, and that feeling sucks.

I to have problems with OCD but in a different way, but I don't know what to do. My wife is having or getting the brunt of my problem. I hope that someone out there can give me some insight on who or what I should do. Let me explain my OCD. I love neat, order, things in their place and also that when anyone in our family uses things in the house be it makeup stuff or even having a bite to eat is to clean up and put things away. It bothers me so much because at times because of my problem I end up picking up and cleaning up after everyone and it really bothers me having to do this when everyone here in the house are definitely old enough to know that when your done with what your doing you should pick up after yourself.

My wife kids are from a prevues a marriage and my wife doesn't understand me even when I try to explain my problem and it upsets me about that. Because the way she says it that it's my problem and that I need to learn how to deal with it. Which I don't know how or what to do to control my OCD about this. I feel that my wife should step up and tell the kids that they should pickup and put things away without using me as the reason why they should do those things. I feel that my OCD is ruining my life because my wife doesn't understand me. My wife also says things like, (It has been like this before you got here and it doesn't bother me) so you have to learn how to deal with it. I hope to hear from you with help soon thank you.

Ernest

What most people consider OCD — and what you're describing — is actually OCPD (obsessive compulsive personality disorder), and while the two are named similarly, they do not exhibit in the same way; while OCPD's symptoms are fairly uniform (obsession with orderliness and having things "in their place"), OCD is rarely so straightforward or even rational. OCD symptoms can include aspects of perfectionism, but typically the compulsions are arbitrary and largely unwanted. OCPD sufferers also tend to be less bothered by the compulsion itself than others' reactions to it, whereas OCD's compulsions are almost invariably unwanted and typically negative.

This mistake leads me to suspect that you have not sought psychiatric help, which I strongly recommend doing. If you have but they diagnosed you with OCD based on your symptoms, I suggest seeking another doctor.

ive had ocd for a long time. i remember the day it started. i was pretty young. for some reason i was getting nose bleeds everyday for like a week and i was getting scared that i would die if it kept happening so idk why,but one day while my nose was bleeding pretty bad, i decided i was going to walk up and down the basement stairs until it stopped. after 4 times it stopped bleeding. i felt so relieved that i felt like i had to do everything 4 times or else i would get the nose bleeds again. eventually this overtook my life so one day i told myself i wasnt going to do it anymore. to my surprise, it actually worked for awhile but gradually it came back. instead of doing everything a certain number of times, i felt like i had to do everything a certain way or else something bad would happen to something or someone i care about. at this point i was too scared to tell anyone how i felt but i got a boyfriend and felt comfortable talking to him about it. with his help i was able to stop doing those things. but now its coming back again :( this time its different. things get stuck in my head, stupid things that i know shouldnt matter, like if i told the truth or meant what i said or wrote a word write. these things get stuck in my head until i feel like ive made them good. but my problem now is that i dont know how to make them good because i forced myself to stop the compulsions so i have had the same 4 things stuck in my head for over a month now. it really makes me sad because i want to forget about them and move on with my life but its really hard cuz everytime i try to tell myself it doesnt matter, theres another part to me thats really scared that something bad will happen if i dont make the things good

The worst part about OCD is feeling completely alone, like no one could ever understand because it's not happening to them. But I've recently been slowly telling the people closest to me, after hiding it for years, and they've been amazingly accepting and loving. I think you should tell your husband the truth. I know what it's like to have big events like those take the disorder to new levels. But support from those you love is always good. Good Luck!!

Same stuff with me, I'm 24 I was playing basketball earlier and I was getting ready to leave, but I took one last shot and missed it. So I walked away waiting for my mom to pick me up, but I just had this thought repeating in my mind. "If you don't go back and make that shot you suck." So I went back (Somthing like made me do it) and continued to shoot over and over again till I made it and it felt right. Idk why tis occurrence keeps happening to me. I'm starting to get frustrated with it. Everytime I just ignore it, it haunts me later in the day. Idk if it's OCD or not.

my son is 10, he is showing exactly the same symptoms, he has to keep going through the door and then back and forwards again and again, he doesnt like odd numbers if the volume on the tv is an odd number he will go mad until someone changes it, he wont change the channel himself because he has to do everything a certain amount of times, he sits down, stands up sits down stands up, if he drops something he has to pick it up and drop it again and again, the teachers say oh i wouldnt worry but i am very very worried and find myself feeling angry with them that they are not , i dont know what to do :O( x

I know I am only thirteen, but OCD is becoming an increasing problem in my life and I have never before talked about it. I'm not very open to anyone so I already think a lot to myself, and OCD means I lay awake at night thinking. Despite no diagnosis, I am certain that my nan and my mum have it, and suddenly I can feel the symptoms getting stronger. My mum denies it and gets angry, and I daren't confront nan! Seriously, she carries a towel with her in the house. She sees stuff that bothers her that no one else sees.
Firstly, I am so relieved that I'm not the only one who has to have the door shut properly! I couldn't sit still, sleep, or leave my room without hearing the clicking noise the door makes to tell me "it's properly closed, you can relax".

My mum and nan are clean freaks and perfectionists. I never call mum's house mine; it's not my home. It stresses me out knowing I have nowhere to call my own, no place to run away when I get angry (which is very easily)... nowhere to feel loved. My mum likes to and does control everything. Another aspect of OCD that is ruining my life is that my mum's OCD results in many arguments with her boyfriend, which she doesn't realise just how greatly that affects me (I see my dad once every two weeks, he lives hours away and I feel like I am a trouble to him, but his house is the only place I can escape yet I feel guilty).

I always feel anxious and feel it's all my fault. The arguments have gave me many problems like trust issues, self-conscience, anger outbreaks, and a reclusive attitude. Also OCD has now made me lose friends, most I chose to lose myself. Luckily OCD means my school-work has to be perfect, and I do good at school. I do as well get comments like "keeno" and "nerd".

When I feel like I have done something wrong I get myself ill thinking about it. For example, today, I had to do a speech, and I messed up a bit, and I felt over-heated, dizzy, and sick after and it kept repeating itself in my head. I had tears in my eyes, and started digging my nails in my arms. As my imagination easily wonders off, it is hard for me to complete tasks, which makes every day a torture session knowing I haven't done right.
Sometimes I punish myself, like I dig my nails or scratch hard, and I talk to myself. OCD is eating in to me and I feel like everything is suddenly collapsing on me. I'm young, and I dread what is ahead for me. Also I am "anorexic", due to OCD and me being "delusional" (apparently).
This is my story. Sorry it is long. I just need to let it all out. My heart goes out to everyone. You can't have a rainbow without a little rain. :)

I just got admitted to an amazing university in New York. My dream. I have OCD with Manhattan that develop about 3 years ago. I always had OCD with things been dirty, and all started with my mother been dirty. My mother put me through so much drama and inistability when i was a child, that i develop OCD. OCD is an anxiety disoderr, and through OCD you get to temporally channel it, and relief anxiety from.

I can relate to your story on how OCD is ruining my life. Im about to drop out of college (i finish my two year college outside NY. I went to orientation the other day, against all my will. I took clonazepan to release the anxiety a little. I sow the beautiful building, inside was clean and new. The big hall, and been told by school president that is very competitive to get into that school, and we are the best of the best because we got choosen. I almost cry. I FUCKIGN HATE OCD. The most amazing experience of my life was the most horrifying. I didnt seat down (because i think seats are dirty, because people took the train, the train that my mom takes, which make them all dirty. How is that for hard to relate to? I will drop out of school (my dream)because of my OCD. I think to myself STOP STOP< STOP and i cant.

My boyfriend pick me up from school, and i had to remove a long jacket and long skirt that i used to protect me from getting dirty (put it in a plastic bag, wash my hands with alcohol). Then put paper towels in the floor, wet them with school and then got into the car). The car seat which i had previously cover with plastic and put newspapers in the floor. Yep even the floor is dirty.

WHAT HAPPENED TO ME? 3 years ago, i did hated to take the train because my mother had been in it, but i dont remember when i made the connection that other people who take the train get infected with my mom's dirties (PS> MY MOM IS A VERY CLEAN PERSON).

This is the end of my career. I could take my degree at another university outside new york, but i cant afford it and i will be paying out of state tuition.

MY LIFE RIGHT NOW IS OVER>so my dream because of OCD

PS> sorry for the spelling. Im tire i dont want to make it a federal production writing this

This is the same way I am, the exact same. Even wear protective clothes that I can remove and put in a plastic bag so I don't cross contaminate.

I just got admitted to an amazing university in New York. My dream. I have OCD with Manhattan that develop about 3 years ago. I always had OCD with things been dirty, and all started with my mother been dirty. My mother put me through so much drama and inistability when i was a child, that i develop OCD. OCD is an anxiety disoderr, and through OCD you get to temporally channel it, and relief anxiety from.

I can relate to your story on how OCD is ruining my life. Im about to drop out of college (i finish my two year college outside NY. I went to orientation the other day, against all my will. I took clonazepan to release the anxiety a little. I sow the beautiful building, inside was clean and new. The big hall, and been told by school president that is very competitive to get into that school, and we are the best of the best because we got choosen. I almost cry. I FUCKIGN HATE OCD. The most amazing experience of my life was the most horrifying. I didnt seat down (because i think seats are dirty, because people took the train, the train that my mom takes, which make them all dirty. How is that for hard to relate to? I will drop out of school (my dream)because of my OCD. I think to myself STOP STOP< STOP and i cant.

My boyfriend pick me up from school, and i had to remove a long jacket and long skirt that i used to protect me from getting dirty (put it in a plastic bag, wash my hands with alcohol). Then put paper towels in the floor, wet them with school and then got into the car). The car seat which i had previously cover with plastic and put newspapers in the floor. Yep even the floor is dirty.

WHAT HAPPENED TO ME? 3 years ago, i did hated to take the train because my mother had been in it, but i dont remember when i made the connection that other people who take the train get infected with my mom's dirties (PS> MY MOM IS A VERY CLEAN PERSON).

This is the end of my career. I could take my degree at another university outside new york, but i cant afford it and i will be paying out of state tuition.

MY LIFE RIGHT NOW IS OVER>so my dream becuase of OCD

PS> sorry for the spelling. Im tire i dont want to make it a federal production writing this

I am dealing with this type of disorder, however, it is a spiritual battle, we are under a spiritual battle with demons. The only other way to defeat it is u have to accept Jesus as your Lord and Savior. Submit to God and the devil will flee. Ephesians 6:12 our struggle is not against flesh and blood but against the rulers, against the present authorities, against the powers of this dark world against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realm. Jesus is a deliverer and he will deliver you if u believe. I just gave my life to him and I am discovered. Im reading The Bondage Breaker by Neil T. Anderson, he writes great encouragement on dealing with demons and these psycological issues that we deal with and how they are related. God is real and he is GREAT and so awesome! He does love us, but only those who will find the Way to life which is Jesus can find true peace and eternal rest when this life is over. Please accept him and he will help you because he promise he will help his children, become a child of God.

Hey pls take therapy and medication da...i had ocd from nearly a decade....my suicide attrmpts turned my life...i git succesful treatment for one year...now am free from ocd.but again i got relapse.am feelin depressed not happy and unable to modify my life stages...i can control a bit....but i lost my LOVE ,MY TWO CLOSE FRIENDS....and andd tears left for me.but i wont cry

I have avoided relationships due to my ocd, sexual ocd , things which are ahrd to explain etc.
For so many years it has made me ANGRY too. I would shout at my ex, say terrible things to her. Then i'd break down. I started to self harm due to it all. Cries for help, a way to gain control. I dont know. I feel so evil and pathetic and i have lost somebody i love completely.
I feel like i never want to have another relationship.
I have been on many different meds last year. Some made me worse. I have ended up just losing everything from this.
I do feel suicidle and i dont have any pleasure in life. I sit alone in my room. I am 26 !!. It has ******** me of all happiness.

Please give your heart t o Jesus, u don't have to go through this alone. His love is real and he can rescue u from satan. Satan is controlling ure mind, accept and submit ure life to God. Feel free to email me at babibombshell19@hotmail.com if u have any questions.

I started having symptoms of OCD at the age of seven. It started out as having images that would just pop into my head and having a word stuck in my head and believing that if I thought something bad or evil then something horrible would happen. I also had the usual cleaning symptom. It was ruining my life and I would just keep saying how I wanted to die. As time went on my symptoms improved GREATLY but I still have some symptoms like worrying excessively about my appearance and other little things. My point is, I will always have OCD and I'm just going to have to deal with it. I'm always going to have some times where my OCD will just pop up, but the only thing I can do is just accept the fact that it's apart of my life and get help.

maybe we should challenge the ocd bully, ride out the worry as hard as it might be. Just to see the outcome of doing nothing. We know its ok after checking so why not try not checking, if we do this a few times it might become the new ritual. after all most of us have been "checking" for years but just take a step back from life and ask, how many times have i checked and its been the way i worried about? What is the worst thing that can happen? i know what your thinking, the worst thing that can happen is " my house will explode or my kids will get ill, or my family will be in danger. But just remember that the chances are, if its that bad of an incident how could a human being who constantly thinks about peoples safety, unconsciously do that much damage? especially without noticing? And if your worry isnt that harsh then "dare" it to do its worst. Obviously, years of checking and performing rituals hasn't worked so i challenge all of you to FIGHT the OCD bully, lets see how he likes to stood up to! Chins up and lets do this!

My OCD started at 15 and got worse as the years went on , I did not know I had OCD until I was 27 and was suffering from awful intrusive thoughts that would be with me from the moment I woke up until I went to bed at night. I was so terrified it is an extremely hard illness to live with , I was suicidle and a recluse as my anxiety was so bad , I also smoked alot of weed from a young age and this was a vicious circle , I used it to escape but then it made my symptoms worse. I got so depressed and could not look after myself my father passed away and I gave my heart to the wrong person and they broke it, I never thought I would ever be happy again . It's been a year now since I stopped smoking cannabis , I'm in the right medication and the right dose I feel so much better now , yes I still suffer from anxiety and have the odd intrusive thought but nothing like before . I know this illness is like being in hell , I've lost freinds because of it and have been totally isolated . I'm now in a relationship and my partner is do supportive I hope that people who are suffering with this illness can find a way to get some peace self help books are good and cbt is amazing , you have to fight it everyday and it's draining but just tell your OCD to bugger off stand up to it as I know how terrifying it can be , its OCD , it's not who you are it doesn't define you as a person I hope this helps. Keep strong ;)

If you have OCD you won't even have to wonder if you have it or not cause it ruins your life. I've had it for 10 years now and i'm currently 20. It started when I was 11 and from 12 to 15 it was only at night, like i'd do rituals. I'm not going to go into details cause it would turn into a book but OCD took over my life when I was 16 and from then to 19 I went through a major depression because of it. I couldn't make a move without repeating words and sentences in my head and repeat actions over and over. I never found peace until I went to bed. Luckily I got over the depression last september but the OCD is destroying every aspect of living. I avoid almost anything because I know how much trouble OCD makes it so that doing simply tasks take twice as long as it should or more and the anxiety is terrifying. I never got any help until last year and I finally got into a hospital this year and currently going through therapy specifically for this, just started. I'd do anything to be back to the way I used to be before all of this.

If you have OCD you won't even have to wonder if you have it or not cause it ruins your life. I've had it for 10 years now and i'm currently 20. It started when I was 11 and from 12 to 15 it was only at night, like i'd do rituals. I'm not going to go into details cause it would turn into a book but OCD took over my life when I was 16 and from then to 19 I went through a major depression because of it. I couldn't make a move without repeating words and sentences in my head and repeat actions over and over. I never found peace until I went to bed. Luckily I got over the depression last september but the OCD is destroying every aspect of living. I avoid almost anything because I know how much trouble OCD makes it so that doing simply tasks take twice as long as it should or more and the anxiety is terrifying. I never got any help until last year and I finally got into a hospital this year and currently going through therapy specifically for this, just started. I'd do anything to be back to the way I used to be before all of this.

It's amazing to hear all these voices of courage. My heart truly goes out to all of you. I have been in despair for four years since I was hit with thoughts of hurting children. I nearly died when I first had them - they came out of nowhere. Now they are everywhere and I had a horrific dream last night .. I woke up and suddenly felt that it had actually happened. It was horrific. Can I ask everyone- how do you stop the negative self judgement about these unwanted ad scary thoughts? I've felt like a freak for so long- yet I've always been sensitive and caring. I now feel like a despicable disgusting human being. On a good day I know it's OCD, on a bad day all I can think of is suicide. To all you brave people I send my love and prayers.

I've been thinking the past couple of days, and I am starting to realise that it is my OCD (as well as my doctors who could have recognized and treated me sooner) that I'm angry about and not really that guy dumping me. Although my actions did, ultimately, contribute to the dumping.

I wasn't diagnosed until only a few years ago. I had ruminations and guilt about the silliest things. I was so judgmental of myself. Unlike some people I responded extremely well to Cypralex. Within a couple weeks I was almost back to my old self (whatever that is). I'm not a big pharmaceutical pusher but I must say that tiny white pill once a day worked wonders for my life. I do get angry about the time I wasted worrying about inconsequential things though. I feel like my OCD took some of my life away.

About the guy, I wonder if it's my OCD that's making me feel guilty about what I did. I was talking to a male friend and he said that if he really liked a girl, her texts would bother him for a day, but then he'd get over it patch things up, especially if she explained things and if he really like her. Maybe they'd even discuss the OCD. Maybe this guy just wasn't interested enough in me to care. So maybe it wasn't my OCD that scared him away, it was just an excuse for him to get rid of a nice girl but one whom he wasn't really into.

Lesson learned: don't run out of medication and surround myself with caring people who understand the condition.

Wow, I just finished reading your story, and yeah the good things DID make me stressed and therefore OCD! But did you ever consider your mom's death might have been the root cause of your inability to handle life? Grief can trigger pretty bad responses in people with psychological disorders; it's called "complicated grief". But I might be wrong; you never know :)

I ran out of medication and couldn't get it for a week. And my symptoms returned along with huge anxiety attacks. At that time I was just starting to date a guy and I scared him off with my repetitive texts. I was afraid of my own behaviour! I've tried to explain to him what happened and I tried to apologize but I haven't heard from him since. In fact, he blocked me on the online dating site where we met. I felt so awful he did that because I'm not a stalker. I wish he would understand but I don't think I will hear from him again. It's really sad and I am angry at myself and my illness because I cannot take anything I said or did back.

I feel the same way :( Although I am not a touchy type like I used to be, but an obsessing type but there's NOTHING good in my life because the obsessing took over it. Well lately there is but only because I am getting tired.

We should talk. I KNOW how you feel. I have to re-do and re-check almost EVERYTHING I do, and it takes my time and energy away. I'm afraid my serious boyfriend is getting tired of it.

i have almost the same thing but i know what set mine off. i can even have a thought in my head with out ocd controuling it. (sorry for the spelling i cant spell verry well) but any way just little things like turning out a light i will flick the light switch 10 times befor i can leave a room or at night i check the doors over and over and over. like someone walk right behind me and unlocked them i dont understand how to make it stop!its really starting to wair on me every day all day i dont even know how to explain the feeling of ocd it starts in my stumic like something bad is going to happen if i do something. like im trying to quit smoking and the onely reason it is so hard for me i know this sounds weird is because i feel like im killing the people i love when i smoke. but i dont know why or when i call my wife i have to tell her to drive safe because i feel like if i dont say it she will get in a car accadent and it will be my falt like the unavirse is punaching me. i mean even righting this i keep backspaceing to right some words twice because it feels uneven. i just want it top stop i remamber when i was about 8 or 10 when it started. it started with a twich i would shake my head back and forth all day. and when i got older it onely got worse with the light switches i would stand in the dore way and turn the lights on and off for at leased 10 to 20 times and sometimes more. now im 19 married with a baby on the way my wife is verrying carring and she tryes to help me like some times i can through things away even something as stupid as a rapper from something i ate i feel like im hurting it but throughing it away. i even know it does not make sence but i do it any way. i could go on for hours with all the weird things i do but it makes me freek out to even talk about it fot thins long. but it helps me to know im not alone with this unexplaneable feeling. and i hope it helps you too congrats on starting a family lol it was nice to vent with you about this!

Almost Same As the first comment , my ocd started when 8... i was visiting my friend and we were playing a scary game that really scared me, then when i was going home i was saying weird things over and over again , then i was taking medicine and i seemed fine and it cured me and but doctor said to leave that medicine slowly and i did as he said. few years later when i was 12 seemed fine , when i was 13 me and my karate members were going somewhere on a recording and we were there all day, when it was over they got tired and we went home , but when i got home i was REALLY TIRED and then i started getting ocd again but now it was different from the old one that i had when i was 8 , it was about thoughts about harming people especially people i love. and other things that i was afraid of , things that i hated , things that are bad for a human... and this ocd was way stronger and harder to deal with , but i started to take a rest from computers and things that was making me tired and ocd started to go away... but sometimes i still had few thoughts left from ocd , but then i knew that ocd was going away but slowly , leaving just few thoughts in my head :). so don't worry about it , it will get cured by itself but only if you DON'T DO THINGS THAT MAKE YOUR BRAIN TIRED like computer playing or exercising too much (have a relaxing day without getting yourself tired , especially your brain - for few weeks or until your ocd is cured.) so basically i think that ocd is caused by getting too tired or getting really scared .

I was diagnosed with post-partum OCD 7 years ago at the age of 29. I was treated by a psychiatrist who prescribed sertraline. My OCD involved intrusive thoughts about harming myself and others, or that others would harm me or the people I love. I worried about plastic bags, knives, and cords ... which I had to put away immediately. Songs would stick in my head. I would see dots (like what you might get after being exposed to a camera flash or looking at the sun). Fortunately, the sertraline worked well, and my symptoms were next to none for 6 years. My doctor and I decided I should slowly wean myself off the medication to see if I had overcome the OCD and determine whether it was just a postpartum condition ... that was a BIG mistake ... within months of being off the medication, I crashed. Right now, I feel like this disorder is ruining everything. I was working full-time as a elementary school teacher, and now I don't feel I can handle going back. My relationship with my husband lacks intimacy, because I can't even love myself in this condition (so how could he possibly love me). I miss the closeness with him, but don't know what to do to make things better. My son is my saving grace ... he is what keeps me here ... I know he needs his Mom (I just wish I could be healthy for his sake ... I don't want to burden anyone with this). I find it hard to deal with the fact that my OCD is chronic, and that I will never be free of it. It breaks my heart ... I know I am a good person, and I don't know why this happened to me. My doctor prescribed 20 mg of cipralex this time around, but it doesn't seem to be working after 3 months. I am FIGHTING so hard ... I just want to feel well ... to be myself again ... I am switching back to sertraline and hoping for the best. I am also planning to try CBT. I am a smart (BA Women's Studies, BEd.), loving, caring woman who cries almost everyday due to this disorder. I am taking yoga classes, and trying to be more mindful, but it is sooo hard. Mornings seem to be the worst for me for some reason ... I often have to take a lorazepam to try to ease the tension. I am holding on to hope that this will get better ...

The earliest I can remember having OCD symptoms is around age 6 or 7. I always felt like I needed to count to certain number or things just didn't "feel right." In 8th grade, I remember staying up the entire night to write a 2 paragraph response, because every line on the page needed to have the exact number of syllables. Last year, I lost my job because I was checking so much, becoming so fixated on whether people were "doing ok" when something about them "looked off," asking for a lot of reassurance, that I could no longer perform at work. OCD has interfered with many relationships for me--dating, friendships, etc. It wasn't until I went to an intensive treatment program last year after I had to stop working that I realized there is hope. Fighting OCD is really hard work, and I have to remind myself that OCD is not me. Viewing it as an external force that interferes with my life, and thinking each time I have a thought "is this OCD or is this me?" has been helpful. I still get discouraged often and wish I could live even just one day without these thoughts, but I realized going to an intensive program that there is hope. At some point, I have to choose to fight against this OCD bully even though it's often very anxiety provoking because the more I let myself fall into my rituals, the more I will be unable to have everything else in life--a job, a partner, a family, etc. I sense from having participated in an intensive program as well as other OCD groups, something people with OCD don't do enough is to ask for help. I know that so much of what I feel and do is not rational, and this lead me to do all sorts of "covering up" for years to try to keep people from being worried or prevent embarrassment. I lost YEARS trying to do this and it is so fatiguing. Yes, I still do it, but allowing myself to share what I'm going through with others and to have the humility to not force myself to deal with this on my own has been key.

I am going through something very similar . My axiety is turning into anger and I get so mad at the littlest things. It's like my brain is in over drive from obsessing all day about bad thoughts that I'm so angry and set off at the slightest thing

Yes! It's the same with me!!!!!!!

I can definitely relate to Melanie who posted the original article. I had the exact symptoms and other ones when I was a teenager. It started when I was about 13. I could not leave my house without touching a doorknob or closing door certain way, turning of a light switch like two million times; at night i would spend hours cleaning up and straightening up stuff, folding blankets; in the shower I would have a very specific ritual of cleansing and afterwards, i would not pat dry my feet which eventually led to excessive bleeding and sores on my feet. There were other symptoms as well. My parents hated it, yelled at me, called me a freak, psycho and threatened to send me to a mental hospital where I would stay forever. I felt isolated, i felt like i was in jail, in complete hell and that there was no escape. I prayed to god every day to send down an angel who would free me from this. When I was 17, I moved out of my parents house, hundreds of miles from my hometown. The symptoms suddenly resolved. Or seemed to resolve. What these obsessions transformed into was essentially obsession with food and strangely exercise. Thus, even though I have been "free" since 17 (i still get occasional compulsions, but usually only when I am supposed to leave my house for vacation), I have been imprisoned in another cycle of unfortunate psychological events. I have periods of obsessive eating (till the point I throw up or even pass out from being so full) and periods of starving myself and over-exercising to the point that I can not get up out of the bed due to weakness and eventually end up passing out. Since I was 17, i have been periodically losing and gaining 30 pounds on average about every 3 months. I am 23 now. This has taken toll on my body- I lost my breasts, not literally but I am a flat chested now, even though I used to be full C now I am barely an A, I have stretch marks all over my body and developed atrial flutter and chest pains. I also have joint problems and ruined self-esteem and a year ago developed depression. OCD is a very debilitating disease and sometimes I seek for answers in God. When i have some of my obsessive spells, I get very very mad, almost to the point of a temper tantrum. I feel helpless and I truly understand and feel the plight of all of you who suffer from it.

Hi I have had OCD since I was 13, I am now 25.. I am a washer, checker, counter.. I think it had gotten much worse during pregnancy, I kept hearing ppl tell me superstitious things about something bad happening to my unborn baby if I did certain things or ate certain foods.. My OCD never used to be this bad ever!! It takes me so long to leave the house!! It's so embarrassing especially when ppl r waiting outside watching u check the door handle a million times making sure its really locked!! Or checking and staring at the stove even though it hasn't been used all day!! So sick of these stupid thoughts in my head that don't even make sense!! It's such a relief to know that I'm not alone.. I pray that u all get through this and enjoy life! We can't let it control us! Take care n God bless:-)

I have ocd and this is my first time posting. I just need someone to talk to who REALLY understands. I feel SO alone and want so badly to escape this life encompasing disease. I hate it. I hate what it does to me. I am married almost 2 years now and want nothing more than to have children and a "perfect" life. There is nothing that should be stopping me and now this F ing disease is getting in my way. I feel like I can't have fun anymore because I am so worried about germs and becoming contaminated. I wish my husband could live inside my head for 1 day...just one day...then he might understand. I hope to talk to someone on here soon.

I feel like this post could have been written by me. I feel very isolated from others because of my ocd. I am in my early 20's (female) and I am currently living with my parents. I wish that they could walk a day in my shoes to understand what I'm going through, and how difficult it is to change. There is constant tension in our home over my ocd; and sometimes it seems it feels like my whole life is crumbling beneath me. Please contact me if you would like to talk more in depth--hang in there!