OCD Ocd Ocd Ocd Ocd...

...I had to write that 5 times to make it right. There's three letters in 'OCD', so 5 x 3 = 15. 15 = a good number. But 5 + 3 is 8... not a good number. Crap. That's going to bug the hell outta me.

That, my friends, is just a typical thought in my brain from day to day. Every activity is questionable, whether it's going out with friends, putting on clothes, or just scratching an itch. It all has to be 'just so'.

If it isn't 'just so', I have extreme anxiety. I have a morbid fear of vomiting, which may have been caused by my bullemic (sp?) aunt making herself throw up in front of me as a very young child. Either way, I feel as though if I don't act on my OCD tendencies or quirks, I'll throw up. Sometimes it could be that I'll throw up in front of people, or I'll throw up at work, or that I'll throw up ON someone... and I know with every part of my soul that it's nonsense to think that way, and nothing like that will ever happen just because I don't count something the right way, or itch something a certain number of times. But for some reason, my brain will not let me fight it. It's like a magnet pulling me to the area I didn't count correctly. (My OCD also involves sexual things, but I won't go into those things quite yet.)

In case you're interested, here's some of my habits. Of course, these only skim over the many things that go on inside my head:

- When doing anything, whether it's putting on clothing, or just walking through the house, anything I touch has to be touch in a downward motion (so as not to make my food go in an 'upward motion').

- If I succeed in doing this, that's great... but it has to be done a certain number of times. I can't just go back and retouch something once. Two is a bad number in my brain (because I threw up two times a few years ago when I was sick), so if I touch something once, and touch it again, I have to do it again and again until it lands on a good number.

- I count my footsteps in different parts of my house. When the carpet goes to tile, my footsteps will have to have landed on a good number. If not, I have to go back and re-walk where I just was.

- I switch words and letters around in my brain from 'bad words' to 'good words'. Example: In my head, the word "up" is a bad word. So I'll have to counteract it with a "good" two-letter word. In order to counteract it, I'll say in my head, "just joking, I meant to say "to". (Almost never outloud, unless I'm by myself and I'm "stuck".) I have a series of "good" words to counteract the "bad" ones, all ranging from one letter to 15 letters.

Again, that only touches the edge of what goes on in my brain. To some of you, that might sound scary. To others, it might sound mild. I know my case of OCD isn't the worst, and it isn't the mildest either. Some of you have it much worse than I do. I feel for you! ;) I know what I go through is hard, I can't imagine it being worse!

Here's some history...

I've dealt with OCD ever since I can recall. My quirks have changed over the years, as they do with almost everyone with OCD. I've gone through spells of anxiety, so much so that I've contemplated suicide. When I was 9, I started having severe panic attacks, triggered by the slightest tummy-ache, scared to death I was going to puke. And I would get myself worked up so much that after much screaming and banging my fists and scratching at myself, I would eventually throw up and I'd be fine. My panic attack would be over.

My parents spent many sleepless nights with me because of that, and I am so thankful that they have been so supportive. They had no idea what was wrong with their little girl. But instead of freaking out, they researched the problem, and got medical attention for me as soon as they could. Fortunately, I don't have those attacks anymore. They stopped when I was about 12. Like I said, my quirks change from day to day. I never know what my brain will try next.

Unfortunately there's no cure for OCD, just medicines that might take away some of the quirks. But then I get immune to them, and it starts over, and I have to change the medication again. It's an endless cycle.

I've gone from job to job, trying to find something that won't interfere with my OCD. I've finally found that working as a waitress has the least effects on me. The environment is so fast-paced that I don't have time to think about my quirks, and I'm moving around constantly, so my brain kind of shuts the OCD part down for the time being so I can concentrate on my customers. I love my job, it's very fulfilling. I meet so many interesting people. It's so much better than sitting at a desk for hours letting my mind take over.

I got married March 17, 2007 (almost a year ago!). I'm so glad my husband, David, supports me. He helps me through things. If he sees me "stuck", he'll try to help me out of it. Even though he's done research and heard stories from me and my family, he doesn't understand it fully. You can't understand it unless you have it. However, he knows that whatever I'm going through must be stressful, and because he loves me, he takes care of me. I love him so much, and I'm very lucky to have such awesome people in my life. I think I would be very sad and lonely if it weren't for them helping me.

I know this story has been long, but to those of you who have read it, thank you so much. If you want to message me, feel free. We can exchange stories, tendencies, quirks, whatever. If you even have questions, I'll be happy to try to answer them.

Thanks for taking the time to read this. :)
AllySh0rty AllySh0rty
18-21, F
13 Responses Feb 16, 2008

Three. Three is my number (T-H-R-E-E=5 which isn't divisble by three). I hate that. I hate that. I hate that. I get it. I get it. I get it.
It's annoying. I always get so angry at myself. And I start scratching and stuff. It's bad. Bad. Bad. (B-A-D=3/3=1)
But I'm glad that people are helping you. That's WONDERFUL (9/3=3).
:) (sighs)
And I'm fourteen years old. Damn it, 14/3 doesn't work. NEXT YEAR IT'LL BE GOOD.
No one wants to hear any more dividing. Oops. Do you find that it gets better when you talk to people about OCD, or that it gets worse?
Just wondering.

One step at a time dear you will be ok

I enjoyed listening to your story. I'm nineteen and find it hard to find anyone around me who understands my OCD. To me, a "good number" is an odd number. They have a beginning, a middle and an end, unlike even numbers which have no real middle as there would be two numbers in the centre. I count anything that there is more than one of around me and I become frustrated and anxious when there is an even number result. I smoke and always have to finish the cigarette on an odd number of drags, I finish walking on an odd number of steps. Everything I do or any movement I make has to be done an odd number of times. I am constantly cleaning my hands, to the point that they can be raw-red sometimes because I can't do something or move onto something new unless my hands are sterilised. I have several quirks but the numbers is a big one for me and I'm glad I'm not the only one. I get so anxious and panicked and no one understands haha. I'm glad there are people here to talk to.

I'm glad you mentioned something about "good numbers" that's exactly the way that I have to say it.<br />
<br />
I just added a "story" and mentioned how the numbers in a digital clock HAVE to come out to a "good number" I do that also with my steps, while I'm walking certain things have to be a "good number." Carpet to tile. Cement to grass. Climbing stairs. It HAS to be a good number.<br />
<br />
Thanks for sharing!

I love how I feel completely at home in this group... Like, the little rant you made about multiples of five in the beginning, I totally understand. I like numbers with perfect squares (1, 4, 9, 16, 25...).

Hello ! I wuold like to say thank you for sharing your experiences! :) I have what I consider mild form of OCD, but its does scare me still. <br />
I would say I've had it since I was in elementary school too, but I am soo happy to hear you have a great friend, your husband. <br />
I on the other hand feel I am still on my way to learning how to better deal with my ocd, and cannot have a real committed relationship, I don't even date, I have my one child also, and try to support her in her life too.<br />
Well, take care ! Good Luck! :) HAPPY NEW YEARS GIRL!

OCD has completely taken over my life. I have a fear my dad is going to get replaced by someone else, I'm going to become someone else and that I'm going to lose my gender and penis. Summer is almost here and so these last few weeks of school are very stressful. I don't want to leave for summer with any OCD problems because I know they'll eat at me all summer. I thought I was in the clear, because I developed a new system in which I told myself that if I did an action once, OCD can't get at me because it's a necessity to perform that action and it's not fair for them to butt in. Sadly, today, while watching people perform music in my auditorium I was biting at my nails and when the nail peeled off, for some reason it was deemed that how I threw that nail away would let OCD butt in. I was being absent minded and through the nail on the carpet floor. Frantic to find it because a bad thought ran threw my head, I got up and started looking for the nail. I thought I saw it but when I reached down to touch it, it was just lint. My hand slightly touched the carpet floor, but no OCD thoughts ran threw my head. An often ritual of mine is to recite lyrics to a song that are "approved" by OCD, meaning they link up with who I am and who my father is. When going down the stairs, voices in my head told me to say whatever lyrics came into my head so I did but they weren't "approved lyrics". Now OCD voices are telling me that I need to go back and touch the auditorium floor again because I was in pursuit of an OCD item, the finger nail, and that touching the floor was involved with that pursuit. This is not good though since I get out of school on June 8 and it's May 24 and I'm going to be in the auditorium 2 more times this whole year! I have two chances to get rid of this thought or else I'm screwed and I'll have it eating at me for the whole summer!

What you said about the fear of vomiting; did you know thats called Emetophobia? It can cause OCD. I have Emetophobia and thats how I found EP. I can have OCD over some things because of my Emetophobia but nothing too major. I just do things like checking the use by date on food and drinks and not eating or drinking it if its passed the used by date even if its fine. My Emet does rule my life sometimes. I became a Vegetarian because I was scared of getting food poisoning from under cooked meat, I didn't watch F.R.I.E.N.D.S for years because it was the last thing I watched before I was sick once, and I do loads of other things that people think are weird but I have to do them or I'll get even more anxious because I'm scared someone will be sick or I'll be sick.<br />
<br />
Maybe you should check out the Emetophobia experience group or look it up on the internet :)

I suffered from OCD just like your's almost identical..after it getting worse and worse my parents finally figured out they HAD to take me somewhere..my dr. diagnosed me with OCD, gave me a prescription of Luvoxamine (sp?) and i went to counselling 2 time a week for a year..my therapist was amazing and understood ways to help me. After about 2 year (a lil less) I was so much happier and I could actually live my own life not the life the ocd was making me live. It has been 5 years since i have been diagonsed..that means almost 5 and 1/2 since it really started..i still take the luvox and i can tell if i accidently miss it a day because those stupid little thoughts will try to poke in and take over..but i know how to destroy them now and they rarely ever get in the way. I'm doing great but know I will have OCD for the rest of my life..having great support makes this disorder sooo much easier to handle. Much Luck and I hope you can get help so you can live YOUR life soon!! :]

I work for a docu-series called "Obsessed" that airs on A&E. Our goal is to find people who suffer from anxiety disorders, phobias, and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder who have the desire to overcome it. We have fully credited and licensed therapists who use Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and Exposure Response Prevention on the patients they work individually with. The show offers 12-16 weeks of FREE therapy with a designated therapist and we will document their behavior and improvement over the 12-16 weeks. Season One was very successful and we had many of our patients drastically change their lives. Having worked for the show last season, I highly recommend it to anyone who wants to change their life for the better. The people are really amazing and offer great support. If you are interested or if you know anyone with these conditions that may be interested in getting help they can contact me at tjcasting.obsessed@gmail.com

I have OCD too. My OCD is called pure OCD. I've had since I was about 4 but I started having those negative thoughts till I was 12. I also have I weird thing with clothing.....Like if something bad happend to me while I was wearing that clothing, jewelry, or even perfume, I wont wear it again untill it feels safe because if I feel like if I waer it again within the unsafe time something bad wikk happen to me again. Weird hu? but I mostly obsess over thoughts and emotions. I really enjoyed resding this. I might post something about my OCD.

Mars92, I do some of the same things, like with the volume on tv or radio. It has to be a "good" number, and if it's a bad one, I'll have to count how many steps it takes to make it a good one. I end up pushing the buttons up and down so many times!<br />
<br />
MythicalLady, I do the same thing with M&Ms! Same number of a color. And of course, it has to be a good number.<br />
<br />
Thanks for all the replies! I'm so glad I'm hearing from some of you. :)

Thank you for sharing this story! I enjoyed the detail you offered, it gave me a good insight into what it might be like to experience life through your eyes, or at least more than I had before. <br />
<br />
I'm glad to hear that you have had such great support throughout your life too. :) <br />
<br />
All the best!