I Can Count Myself to Sanity...
I thought I was normal.....then I was diagnosed with depression followed by suicidal, some time before anxious, and all prior to OCD. I now have learned they are all entwined. After lots of therapy and years of being told I was odd I now have an understanding that I am normal for those of us who do abnormal rituals. I don't know anyone who does what I do and when I tell people about what my life is like they just look at me like I am a serial killer or something horrific. I do most of my rituals in my head and they mainly consist of counting on my teeth and completing sequences. I count words both spoken in conversation and from songs in addition to printed words. My day is consumed with the what ifs and the what might happen instead of the right now. I obsess in my head about the numbers on the elliptical at the gym and determine when I stop exercising based upon the numbers.
Of course I must eat things in sequence and in numerical combinations predetermined by my head. When I eat m&m candies I must eat in pairs and only 2 of the same color. I have to eat all of the crust on my sandwich before I can eat the center. And if my food touches I have been known to get up and wash my plate and start again. My family usually gives me 2 plates in order to avoid this.
I tense up (mainly my hands and ex
Okay as if I didn't say enough I have been compelled to reread my entry several times and to add to it now. I forgot to add some of the other quirks I do which many may or may not be able to relate to. I often ask people to repeat nonsense phrases and words I make up, which I can't decide if it is worse then when I ask people not to say certain words because I simply just don't like them. Since I began driving at 16 I began counting seconds between cars hitting certain points like telephone poles. All because I was taught in drivers training that is the appropriate distance you should be from other cars when you drive.
My poor dog.. When I was diagnosed with depression and suicidal tendencies about 6 years ago he was given to me as a gift to help me feel better. He has, however, I found my OCD kicked into high gear with him and I am constantly squeezing him and poking the little guy. Never hard but just to fulfill the need. I have improved and no longer vacuum, dust, sweep, and do my laundry every day.
I would like to hear ideas of things people have tried in order to live a more productive life. I find my quirks are getting worse and they are developing into bigger issues for me. I find myself doing more and more of them. My doctor thinks if I could get my anxiety under control my OCD wouldn't be so bad. But who knows....
Thanks for taking the time to read my story and drop me a line if you want to comment or even can relate.