Obsessed With Asymmetry And Body Imperfections. :(Hey group,
I am telling you all about this problem because I think some of you OCD-identified people may understand where I'm coming from. I realize also that this might be triggering for someone who is dealing with the same problem. Please don't read further if you know you have this problem and think that reading this will make you worse!!!!!!!
Ok, here goes. I have an agonizing obsession with worrying about my body, in particular the asymmetry of my body. For example: When I look in the mirror, the first thing I "check" on is how unbalanced my jaw and mouth look. I make all sorts of faces to try and "correct" this imbalance that is so obvious to me, but I know that this face-making only provides temporary relief from the constant worry and anxiety that I feel over this crap. It's not just my face I worry about, but my whole body: one of my shoulders is wider than the other, one of my legs seems much bigger than the other. I know that no one's body is symmetrical, everyone has these imperfections, la la la la la...but this fact doesn't seem to help. I look at myself in mirrors, windows, any kind of reflective surface constantly. I must look really vain.
I asked one friend once if she saw any unevenness in my face, and she said: "It's all in your head". This made me feel a lot better. But only temporarily.
Another aspect to this ongoing obsession is that I have developed the habit of compulsively chewing on my lip (it started when I had bad cold sores 3 years ago, and I have been fighting this habit since). I have managed to control the habit by smearing Aloe Vera gel all over my lips when I start chewing. Butsometimes I just can't stop the compulsion until after a few minutes of chewing. That's when the real anxiety starts, because I agonize over the damage that I've done to my jaw. I know that overtime, this habit could deform my jaw! I am terrified that it already has, and desperate to prevent any further damage. Is this a stupid, superficial obsession? Maybe, but that doesn't make it any easier to stop, or that it doesn't scare the living **** out of me. I know that the fear comes from feeling out of control. The lack of control being that I sometimes can't stop my compulsions once they start. I hope someone understands how terrifying this is.....
Some background info that I should mention: I used to have anorexia. And although I'm fully recovered and healthy at present, the anxiety over my body is the same kind of anxiety I used to feel about gaining weight. Not surprisingly, I used to be obsessed with pinching fat in places where I felt the fat was showing most. The "hall of mirrors" relationship that an anorexic has to her/his body-fat ratio is the same kind relationship that I now have to the "unevenness" of my body. Like anorexia, th
Also, I have been taking 30 mg of Adderall almost everyday for the past 4 1/2 years....I know that this has NOT helped my OCD tendencies.
One more thing.....please don't tell me to take Klonopin or some other anti-anxiety med because ONE pill addiction is more than enough....really. :/
I feel like this is such a stupid problem, and that I should just stop worrying about it....but that's a lot harder than it sounds.
Thanks for reading. Comments would be appreciated!! :)