I Have The Most Obscure Ocd Symptom Ever And I Am The Only Person In The World With It..

I am writing this tonight as I am very fustrated. I will not use expletive words, but without them it is hard to express just what this 'thing' does. If my brain were a room, this is an elephant in that room that takes up about 3 quarters of the space in there. I don't know how to go about explaining it, but I will try my best anyway. Before I start, I will tell you I am a 26 year old married woman with Asperger's Syndrome, this can cause obsessive thinking among many other things, but this is not really about Aspergers, for more info, google 'Asperger's Syndrome' and read the wiki or one of the miriad of sites on the subject. Asperger's Syndrome is a form of Autism, a much more 'able' form to the 'classic' Canne's Autism which causes mutism and 'world of their own' thinking etc. This may or may not relate to my story below, that's for the reader to decide. It all started in 2007 I think it was, when our home PC broke down. We had to take it back too the store for repairs as I had a subscription to the store's insurance policy. The store were utterly useless, and to cut a long story short, the 'fix' of what we were told was simply a faulty graphics card, wasn't a fix at all and we got the PC home only to have to return it 30 minutes later as it crashed and refused to boot up, as it was doing before we took it to the store. We were treated like muck in the store when we tried to explain that it had crashed again, and they hadn't fixed it. We were told we were 'rude' and that we had caused the fault ourselves! The store took the machine back and proceded to tae two whole weeks to resolve the issue, which turned out to be the hard drive that had gone. Their excuse was they had to 'wait for a engineer from the insurance broker, they couldn't touch it' blah blah. In the meantime, due to the PC being my only contact with the outside world at this point, smartphones hadn't really taken off yet, my then partner, now husband, had to go and buy a second hand PC for me while we waited a month of Sundays for the store to return mine. A year after this date, the monitor on the same PC broke, it wouldn't come on 9 times out of 10 (I can feel myself getting wound up right now as I get into this story, I would normally drink, pop codeine or go for a cigarette but I try not to do those things anymore!). Anyway, it wouldn't come on when the PC started up, 9 times out of 10, it got stuck in 'standby' where it showed an orange instead of green light (boy god I am upset right now just THINKING about this), so stupid. Then when you clicked on the graphics settings to open the graphics card menu, it switched off back into standby, like trying to access anything to do with the graphics or display caused it to go off. (Wound up to poo poo street right now but I will keep on writing). So, last year and the year before, 2010-2011 I developed this THING that I can only describe as OCD, but it isn't OCD. OCD is repetative behavour, a feeling of dread, panic and fear if the sufferer does not carry out a certain action, such as washing their hands hundreds of times per day because they are afraid of germs and getting sick, or have to check the back door three times and say 'one, two, three' while doing it, yes, I know, I do those things to but they are managable pests now, not major destructive forces in my life. This THING I am about to describe is much, much worse than any OCD I have had before, it's something different entirely. I have something, which is almost undescribable, which causes me to suffer an urge to alter settings on computers in an attempt to make them malfunction, and the main (but by no means only) compulsions revolve around the monitor and graphics settings. (Oh hell I am on fire inside now trying to talk about this). It's like my brain is scanning a chasm of space all the time trying to find new ways to muck up computers, like 'a combination of these settings changed like this MIGHT make it do this' etc. I can't stop these thoughts, they go round and round in my head all the time. When it gets really bad I can't get to sleep, I can't do anything, I am cut off from my friends online because I can't go near a computer, even seeing computers in other people's houses or in the shops causes me massive attacks of the most extreme anxiety as my mind frantically scans for 'new' ways to cause problems with computers. Some of the stuff I have done includes trying to get the monitor 'stuck' by altering the refresh rate too high for that monitor, thankfully my laptop won't allow anything other than 60 so I can't do it on here! I repeatedly turned the monitor on and off on the PC to see if it got stuck in standby, I did this so much it did blow eventually, thankfully I had my laptop by then. Or trying 'combinations' of messed up settings to try and cause a monitor fault. It's usually the display settings that it's all over. I don't know why I am feeling like this, with all these dumb thoughts in my head all the time. It really makes me feel awful when it's really bad, I can't do anything other than sit here thinking about computer settings, and how to alter them to cause a malfunction. I often cry out of sheer fustration, I have told doctors, told counsellors, told psychologists who I have seen since this began, albeit more for the Asperger issues, and all I have received is blank stares, offers of medication or simply 'I have no idea what you are talking about'. I spend whole nights with words like 'graphics' and 'monitor' going round and round in my head. I can't tell anyone this, the people I have told have laughed, told me I would make it in stand up etc. I wish it was all a joke, but this, when it is bad, consumes my entire life, I am not even allowed to say on this site the lengths it has made me want to go to before. On many occasions I have caused computers to 'mess up' being as I am writing this withotu expletives. I have had enough of this, totally enough, I am only putting this out there in search of ideas as to what this could be, is it a 'tic' in a somehow rare form of Tourettes? People with Tourettes say they feel something 'building up inside' them when they try to stop a tic, which is how I feel, I feel like I'm going to crack clean down the middle if I don't carry out these feelings and urges to mess up computers. Then if I carry it out, if I do mess up computers, another 'idea' replaces it straight away and I am back with that feeling of immense energy burning up inside me, only to be 'put out' by me carrying the compulsion out, but it doesn't, it's a cycle that starts all over again. Once I caused the PC to totally break down when I pretty much obliterated windows by uninstalling the ntdetect file in windows xp, which stopped it booting up alltogether and nobody, even in the PC repair shop in town (not the same store that caused the problems in 2007) had any idea how t fix it, but they fathomed it in the end. It cost over £50 to repair it, lost everything on it, all because of one of these compulsions. Is it an extreme form of OCD? Is it part of my Asperger's Syndrome Is it some unknown disorder? Am I the ONLY person in the world with this EXACT problem? When I say exact I mean exact, a compulsion that you FEEL physically, like an ache in your chest to carry out the action of causing computers to malfunction? Constantly thinking about the monitor too? Does ANYONE else have this? ANYONE, ANYWHERE? I don't care if you're living in a igloo on the Arctic Circle, if you have this EXACT issue, please please get in touch with me. I don't know what else to do anymore. I keep trying to tell myself that NOTHING will happen or change if I do not mess with settings on computers, I write it frantically in my journal, I can write two full books a DAY on bad days! It's not a fear that something will happen, it's seeking relief for the ache inside me which gets worse and worse if I do not do the actions. When I am bad with it, computers are like shiney big red buttons which scream DO NOT PRESS all over them. I wouldn't do it to someone elses computer, but seeing a computer will set off my brain 'scanning' for ways to make my computers mess up. I even have some 'painful words' which cause the onset of this awful 'thing'. I remember someone at my Autism specific school I went to reacting very badly to the word 'robocop', he would scream, shout and get violent with staff at the school if he heard the word, I am the same with some words, not like he was, but it sets this 'thing' going in my screwed up head. These words are: Monitor Graphics Graphics Card PC Computer Screen Laptop Settings/setting Keyboard LCD The list goes on and on, but basically ANYTHING omputer related can call this monster to arms in it's job trying to destroy me. I try everyday to keep my head above it, to stay 'ok', I try to destract myself by playing guitar, writing songs, playing sims 3 (ironic as it is a PC game, but seeing that on the screen lets me go into my own little world and forget the machine I am sitting infront of) I love building sims houses, listening to music etc are all destractions that work until it reaches fever pitch. I will not let this thing win, I am making a promise to myself that the monster has been outed now, in this message, the world knows about him and his deeds against me, and I will never carry this compulsion out again from the second this is posted. I will fight it with every last part of my soul, I WILL NOT be broken by this. The struggle will always be there, specially as I can't do the actions. It's a physical pain, like a panic attack but only on the inside, with no outward symptoms, it's like a slow release panic attack if you like, it's always there working away inside, just not in sudden doses, but all the time on a steady level. It's a stupid thing really, it's not releived by carrying the action out, my screwed mind just replaces it with another and the 'pain' returns, trying to force me to carry that one out, and the cycle begins again. I wish I could wipe that part of my mind, so I just knew how to turn one on and open firefox and that's it.
TheChez TheChez
26-30, F
3 Responses May 17, 2012

Not exactly like OCD. Do you have a fear of it messing up when your NOT expecting it? if so, are you testing it constantly, to try to catch it before it does? I do have OCD and I'm only 13 so no need to pay any attention to what I say, but I do something kind of like that to my locker at school. I always try to crack my locks code by listening to it for the clicks, because I'm afraid someone else will figure it out. But anyway, hope this helps.

I am truly sorry to hear that. The only way that I can relate is when I am around couples I feel much the same way. Maybe treat it like an addiction. You have probably already done this but post this story on other sites like this and post secret. I am sure that someone somewhere has some idea.<br />
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Also it has been almost 2 weeks since you posted this. How are you holding up?

I would suggest doing systematic desensitization. Be in a room with a computer but do something else. Look at the computer. Touch the computer without doing the compulsion etc.