Going From Visual To Hidden Ocd - My Life's Story

It started when I was young. From a big family and was always shy as I didnt have anything to contribute to the conversations. When alone I'm much stronger than in a group. When with one other person Im much stronger than in a group. I just dont know how and why i cant seem to work group dynamics, especially when there are other girls in the group? Sure, Im a tomboy, but still? I have never found anything in common with the majority of the girls. I just stand there like a fool, completely silence. Its not that im shy or anything, my brain just blanks out and I have nothing to contribute. Most of the conversations feel either totally brainless (think makeup or xfactor), or way too smart (think politics, history). I know Im clever but my brain needs to be stimulated by an interesting conversation, or otherwise it gets caught up in the OCD thoughts.

Did you ever have a hard time picking up information? Its hard because no one understands OCD (and the amout of time/energy/brainsspace it takes up!). I cant see why dyslexia is alright to talk about when OCD is not? OCD is about a trillion times worse, frustrating and depressing, but if you dont have it, you just think that its stupid thoughts that the person can just stop thinking. NO! OCD is there every single moment you are awake, even when you are talking with someone!

According to neuroscience its actually true that when a person is distressed or anxious they cant pick things up as easy as other, unless they are super anxious or distressed, thats when they remember things crystal clear.

I discovered alcohol and cigarettes when I was a teenager.

Its not that im a alcoholic or smoke 5 packs a day or anything, its just that it helps me to be more sociable and less awkward. I have no idea why I am much more fun when Im tipsy? Worst comments are from people around me who say "man you are so much fun when youre drunk!". I hate it. I hate it so much but have no idea what to do? Why cant I just relax and have those superficial chats without any sorts or meaning what so ever when sober?

I know the alcohol and cigarettes shuts off my brain from the constant buzz from my ocd thoughts, so I guess thats why i just drink and drink at parties as Im waiting for that moment when my brain suddenly shuts off and i can have a conversation like a normal person.

My OCD started when I was only a kid. Had to turn on and off the lights, shut things, facets, blink, make noise with my throat a specific number of times etc etc. When someone would interrupt me I would just get totally anxious. If it was a family member i became aggressive(they didnt know what was going on and just blamed it on teen hormones). If it was a friend, I just joked about it.

Every night before going to bed was a struggle. I could be in my bathroom for hours just crying and turning the tap on and off. I even avoided some things in the house because I knew if I started it would take me ages before i could stop. My entire family was angry at me but they didnt understand what was going on and i could tell them what was actually going on in my head or why i was doing all these things. i just wanted to left alone and do what i needed to do to feel better. One night when i had locked myself in the bathroom doing my facet thing my mom for the millionth time stood outside screaming and shouting things like "this is not normal" "Something must be wrong with you" "You are ruining the tap". She asked my brother for help and he came running with tools absolutely pissed off and managed to open up the door, hit me and throw me to the ground, also screaming at me. I was angry and sad and didnt know how the hell i would explain everything to them. If you dont have OCD, you just can not possibly understand the HELL those people who have it have to go through every single moment awake, every single day.

My parents sent me to a shrink. I was pissed off. Had to sit there with my mother who explained to the shrink what i was doing (i just sat quiet and was fuming with anger). The shrink was rude and treated me as this was a ****** little problem wasting her time(ok fine i know i wasnt raped as a child or anything like that but still). She didnt even for a second think that I would perhaps explain to her what was actually going on if i could only have a chance to sit and talk to her alone. Eventually my mom found out about something called "OCD". There was a clinic in town where they handled this. I went there with her and a sibling who actually was on my side and understood that i was going through some sort of hell(but didnt know what was wrong). If internet had been bigger at the time i would have probably been feeling less lonely, but there wasnt. I tried to look it up in libraries but could really find much about it (didnt know where to start looking!).

Why do they insist to talk to you when you have people around you who the last thing you want to do is open up to(we are not a family where you share your feelings)? They think that just because they are there then they must be supportive? My family wasnt supportive, they were angry and annoyed and embarrassed. They wanted me to become "normal". My mom even said that I was pushing them to get a divorce because i was just making everyone angry and argue all the time.

I started talking those pills which increases your serotonin levels and was feeling much better. I have always been quite popular with the boys but no-one have ever had any idea about all this. Where i come from a lot of secrets are hidden such as suicide, alcoholism etc etc. Everything is a facade and everyone can and should always be better than they currently are so no one is every satisfied.

My rituals gradually went away. That is the RITUALS, not the thoughts (although i still need to check that no one is hiding in my house and touch some stuff a few times before going to bed though). i think a word, name or a thought and have to think a counter word, name thought a certain number of times. As everyone else who's got ocd Im totally aware that nothing would probably happen if i stopped,but its like my brain is a broken record on repeat.

The thoughts have always and probably will always be there. I guess it has made my own and my familys life much easier as the ocd is now "hidden". I've learnt how to masque it, but it has instead moved inside my head with even more power. While Im thinking or talking i constantly have this second voice in my head. I cant explain this to people. I cant tell them that the reason for why i always drink a liiittle bit too much when we go out is because thats the rare occasions when i can get rid of my demons.

I just wish that there was more awareness about this condition as if you dont have it yourself, you can not possible understand it.
nothingthere20 nothingthere20
Dec 1, 2012