It all began when I was about 6 or 7. I was talking a drug called Singular. If anyone else has taken that as a child, it caused bad mental effects in some children. Including me. I argued with myself in my head. I was raised Christian, which is the subject my head decided to attack. I would hear "You don't believe in God. You hate God," Over and over in my head. I'd cry and scream and panic. Eventually I was taken off the medicine, but I'm afraid that cycle of thought has carried out through my entire life so far. I think the worst thoughts, anything and everything that is not me, my brain tries to convince me I like. I'm talking TERRIBLE things that I NEVER want to think. Having strange uncomfortable emotions towards people I love and having strange "good" feelings toward people and things I absolutely hate! It's so confusing to think at all. I am drained by my thoughts on a daily basis. I just want to BE myself and FEEL how I want to! It's so hard these days.. I feel restrained from getting help. It seems too complicated for me. I haven't told ANYONE about my issues since being a teenager because I became a very private person around that time. It hurts so bad and it hurts my lover the most. No one can understand and my pride is too strong for me to get any help. I don't WANT to say outloud my issues... too painful. Kill me.
Crystallophobia Crystallophobia
22-25, F
2 Responses Aug 19, 2014

I got almost same experience too! Really, i feel u. Its called religionOCD. During my elementary high school my teacher said if u say bad word during praying, it just same you say a bad word to God, until one day during my secondary school, i found one gay who always talk bad word every sentence duties in church during school even. Then suddenly something hit me since that day :(( i imagine abt that guy's bad word when im pray. And really omg, i never expect it will ruin my religion life. I pray a lot2 time just to reassuring that my pray is perfect without that word, but every time that i trying, mostly will fail. And of course it was seriously haunt me with the feel of guilt and scared.

I'm genuinely sorry you're struggling so much. I have BPD and have mental wars every single day. I get you. I wish you the best.