Feel Worthless

I have been sleeping with my upstairs neighbor for several months. We will sleep together occasionally, both in quite rigorous academic programs at the same University. During the year I was always happy to see him, although after the first time that we had sex, which he instigated very assertively, I felt very depressed. 
THe last time we had sex though, was in the morning, after I had bee binge drinking the night before with a group of friends. The friends left me, in my severely intoxicated state at a bar, and a man drove me home. I apparently instigated a makeout session with him in his car, after I stumbled into the house and flopped down into my bed. So I woke up toa  text from my neighbor asking me to come upstairs. I went upstairs, hoping a familiar embrace, and a bed to sleep in with someone's arms around me, but instead we had sex and it involved him makin ga big hiike to get a condom at the gas station near our house. When he came back I was happy to see him but then he sat on top of me and put his penis, hard, on my chest. I think he liked seeing me in this submissive position. Anyway after the sex I was talking and the subject of my family came up. It made me cry, and he did not comfort me and instead said the sentence: "One oftentime sis very effected by the situations of their family members." He is a social worker, I do not know how he is so horrible at empathy. Then I stumbled downstairs, saying that I had to go, and haven't responded to any of his texts for about a week. However, today he came to my door and seemed so nice, so gentle, so calm and like the Moon I had seen from afar several months ago. I went upstairs then hoping that we could lie together, share each other's bodies without sexuality coming up. I told him that. and I told him again. I said, I do not want to have sex. He asked why and I said because afterwards it made me sad. I said it made me very sad. He was relentless, I could tell he was angry. I did not want to disappoint him. I felt that I could not leave his apartment feeling good about myself, because I had left him with an erection, and that it was my responsibility to relieve him of it. So I also knew I did not want to have sex with him because I had promised myself that. So I suggested that I give him a blow job. I thought that he would say no, but he said yes and I gave him a blow job and he basically tried to dominate and penetrate my face. He didn't think for a second that it was degrading, that I did not want to have sex to avoid this very feeling. He actually criticized my mouth for having too many teeth. I don't know why I didn't just leave, didn't just throw something at him adn storm out the door. It was as if I had no power. Then when he finished, he just went to the bathroom. Washed his **** off and when he came back he had this awful swagger in his walk. We talked about trivial things for several minutes and then I came downstairs. I feel that I have hit rock bottom. I feel miserable, worthless, like I am the worst person in the world, like I have made my face from something sacred into something filthy and wrong. I know this is not true, but it is hard to feel that. I feel so angry at myself for treating myself like ****. i feel so angry at not being able to understand that it is OK to not have sex with someone that you have had sex with already. 
I feel like hurting myself, but I know that it is wrong, although I just would like something to help t
shootthemoonoutofhere shootthemoonoutofhere
May 18, 2012