Well It All Started When I Was 15...
Posted June 10th, 2009 at 7:36PM
I guess i've always been the the more "depressed" type. always hated admitting it, i thought i was just weird, but according to the therapists ive gone to i was suffering from severe long term depression. okayy well whatever. i could change that. ( that was my game plan)
i ****** up in high school, hated myself, hated everyone, didn't really give a **** but i somehow managed to get into college. first year i **** up so bad my parents refuse to help fund for my schooling...sooo i come back home and work and take classes at a community college. it was a terrible routine, but that was all i knew. so it was whatever. sophomore yr in college i come back to my university and basiclaly **** up again. i get my first serious boyfriend...a man that i truly loved and cared for and thought i knew so well. he knew every little thing about me, and i was so comfortable with him. life was good for a bit. then he ***** me over and i break up with him. throughout the year i felt alone, my parents hated me and my friends were too involved in their own ****** up lives too. i seeked solace in drinking and smoking way too much. it got to the point where it would be a rare occasion where i was sober. school was not a priority unfortunately cause iw as so focused on everything else. and i tried, but i was always too late.
now, im probably getting kicked out of my school, i have no money, ( at least my parents are allowing me to come back home) no goals, nothing. and im trying to be strong and think to myself well...i deserve this so deal with it and come back up better than before. but....i just feel so alone. especially with the whole still being in love with my ex.
hmm. if only i could be high or drunk or sleeping all the time. i try not to hurt myself cause i know that its such a selfish thing to do. but something about seeing the "pain" makes me feel alive and better for like a split second. sometimes i wake up in the middle of the night thinking that everything is just a dream and im gonna see my ex later for lunch, and then possibly go home to see my siblings and it would all be just fine. but the fact that i did thisall to myself. and its all my fault makes me crazy.
its just madness. and i'm trying to change. but i feel so stagnant and unfinished.
whatever guess we all gotta keep moving...keep your heads up.
-
I can totally relate to your situation. Keep ya Chin up. Your on the right path..
I myself have officially hit rock bottom at 26...an intelligent, popular and...spoilt child I had everything growing up really...but being a naturally shy and sensitive person i've grown up masking my shyness with an outgoing persona and not wanting to show that things affect me too i've bottled anger and never really learnt assertiveness or been confortable with myself.
On top of this i've never really had the relationship i've wanted with my dad because all he has ever wanted to talk to me about is how much work he is doing, money, what i am doing to achieve more money (even at 13!), there's been an openness missing, more about competition between us which i've never been interested in.
So to cut a long 26 year story short, i've recently got through Uni (just) feeling like i have underachieved, taken a first job that i didn't really want, been with a long term girlfriend who wasnt right for me and been afraid of making new friends at risk of upsetting my existing close group of mates.
My current situation is that I have no girlfriend (my choice), left my blue-chip job (my choice) to go unemployed, just recently fell out with my parents and the friends i have left are in the few.
i guess i've been on the warpath after years of bottling up anger and not really cared about my consequences, although i've kinda seen it as gaining some self esteem and responsibility for my own actions. However, I can honestly say that i've lost all sense of my identity, positivity and self esteem..I think that maybe i'm having a wake up call into the real world, having to work for a living without my parents but i just feel so miserable.
The positive's I guess are that I'm in the process of building my life back together now with a smaller temporary job for the mean time, and i'm more open to stuff. It's gonna be a long hard slog it seems. -
Hey there! I guess i can say a million and one things to help in any way makes you feel better or see the rays of sunshine around the corner, I can even site my own experience and f..ked up life as a living example, but no amount of convincing can work if your mind is not ready to process convincing! It's gotta come from deep within you and ooze out to manifest itself through changes. I say these things with full knowledge by example. I have bipolar syndrome, pushing my emotions to full end of spectrum mood swings, and I just turned 50! I lost my partner, due to my compulsive addiction to gambling, lost my job because for same reason. I have nothing, absolutely zilts at my age, and starting my life again... At 50! Last christmas 2010 was the first in my 50 years to not recieved any christmas card and not one gift, i cant even buy myself a gift... But am at peace. Like reborn! I hope your time will come too, sooner than mine, and be truly at peace before you turn 50!
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