My 19 Year Old Son Has Hurt Me Badly

I have 2 teen sons and right now it's the 19 year old that's causing me great pain.  He is working out of town and comes home for a weekend every few weeks or so.  Last time he came home for the weekend for a visit, he treated me badly and was inconsiderate.  He only wanted to see his friends, but not his family at all.  Now I realize that this is considered normal for his age group, but to not want to spend time with family at all was quite hurtful to me. 

He will only listen to or respect his dad, yet I'm the one who has sacrificed for him the most.  So, when it came time for him to leave to go out of town again, I let him know how hurtful it was to have no consideration for his family (except for his dad I guess).  His rejection and mistreatment of me has been extremely painful.  But he doesn't care.

So, he has been out of town for over 2 weeks now.  He has called and talked to his dad (calls his cell phone), but won't call or talk to me.  This is extremely hurtful to me.  It is really hard to cope with rejection from my own children. 


wordsforliving wordsforliving
46-50, F
8 Responses Aug 6, 2010

From a 19 yr old's view... at this age..the last thing we wanna do is sit around with family and talk about how our day was...my mom is overprotective for this age & rlly dnt make it easy for me to go out late at night with all my friends... I don't go against this even tho it's crazy for the age I am but it definately makes me resentful. People our age hate being restrained..we want our FREEDOM.. so if parents try to control us... we tend to become more distant. I could be here at home all week &only say 2 words to my dad &maybe 3 to my mom. I spend my days locked up in my room using my laptop or textin/callin friends..watchin t.v or goin to the mall or movies... the point is at this age, its normal for teens to break from family...we even learned about it in psychology class. This age is also a lil akward because we are not children bt we arent exactly fully established adults... being around family makes u feel like a little kid!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Your son is just learning to be independent, later in life, he'll be the same one callin everyday &takin care of u :) Its just the norm for growing up. He's forming his own identity away from parents. In his 30's he'll be full grown and have a longing for his family.

Summer ~ Thank you so much for your insight - I really appreciate it!<br />
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I think as far as my son goes, one of the things you mentioned that seems to apply the most is is his disrespect for women in general. And I know why. He has been dumped by every girl he ever loved and became more and more cynical with every rejection. <br />
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Then there was this girl he loved very very much. He was 16 and she was 16. One week after she turned 16, she was walking her horse after going riding and something spooked the horse and he jumped and kicked her directly in the head. I remember the day it happened so clearly. My son had gotten a call from her sister and said there was a tragic accident and that she was in the hospital. His dad takes him to the hospital and he gets there just before she dies. Was in the room holding her hand. <br />
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Now, I understand that someone would tell me - but her's only 16... he can't possibly understand much about love. I don't believe this is true. I do believe someone who is 16 can have true love. I knew about his deep love for her. But she didn't reciprocate it, except for friendship. I don't think I can adequately explain how much her tragic death affected him. It seriously sent him on such a downward spiral that it nearly destroyed his life. It was like he changed into a different person that was not just depressed, but angry, cynical, etc. <br />
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He sincerely believed that she was his one and only true love and that he had lost that forever. Then he started being negative and only seeing negative in ALL females in general. He thought back to all the girls who had rejected him, then in the present he would only see negative in any girl. And his thoughts about the future were also very negative. This may not make sense, but ever sense her death be became very cynical and negative about women. He would seem to group me in with his negativity. And his dad would point this out to get him back on track. <br />
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It's been 3 years since her death and he is only now beginning to improve, but he does still slip back into the downward spiral if he thinks too much about her. Then his world becomes a black hole of negativity and he seems to take it out on me sometimes. <br />
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I know exactly what you are talking about concerning a controlling mother. That's what I had and I cut off all ties to her many years ago. And for that reason, I make sure I am not judging, controlling or being nosy towards my sons. I didn't even call him or anything while he was gone this last time - he called me first. I am mindful to give both my sons their space and privacy. <br />
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The problem with me is that I am a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP) and feel things on a much deeper level. This is the reason why I will feel so much pain if I'm treated badly, even if I understand the reasons why. I will also feel the pain inside of others. I always felt my son's pain whenever he was grieving, angry or bitter over the loss of his true love. This was overwhelming to me (other HSPs will understand what I am talking about). As a matter of fact, I was the MOST grief-stricken at the girl's funeral, even far exceeding the girl's own parents! <br />
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And the other thing is that because I had an abusive, controlling mother, I am sensitive about having a family bond and will feel great pain in my heart if I think family members may be rejecting me. <br />
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As it turns out, my son is back home this week and this visit is going very well. He went out the whole afternoon with his friends, but came home later to be with his family and this made me feel valued and that I had a family bond. <br />
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I hope something I said here made sense!

I may be able to shed some light on this.<br />
"Last time he came home for the weekend for a visit, he treated me badly and was inconsiderate."--he probably just didn't care how things affect you, he is trying to be independent and maybe doesn't care what you think. "He only wanted to see his friends, but not his family at all. Now I realize that this is considered normal for his age group, but to not want to spend time with family at all was quite hurtful to me."--that is not normal, most college students spend at least a little time with their family and not just all their time with their friends, even thought they all do visit their friends and spend the majority of the time with friends. Maybe he is avoiding you for a reason?<br />
"He will only listen to or respect his dad, yet I'm the one who has sacrificed for him the most." I don't think how much you sacrifice for someone even matters when it comes to the things of taking someone's advice or caring about their advice or agreeing with them, he listens to and respects his dad because he can relate to him. He must have more in common with his dad than you.<br />
"So, when it came time for him to leave to go out of town again, I let him know how hurtful it was to have no consideration for his family (except for his dad I guess). His rejection and mistreatment of me has been extremely painful. But he doesn't care." He probably didn't mean to reject you or mistreat you but didn't realize it. You don't say what his reaction was to you telling him. I couldn't believe that he would not say anything. Here is what I think if that is the case: perhaps your son has no respect for women in general and needs to learn from his dad women must be respected. His dad needs to stand up for you and explain to him that he must respect his mother and all women in order to be a real man and until he learns to respect women he is going to be pretty lonely.<br />
"So, he has been out of town for over 2 weeks now. He has called and talked to his dad (calls his cell phone), but won't call or talk to me. This is extremely hurtful to me. It is really hard to cope with rejection from my own children. "--let me ask: do you nag him? do you ever tell him what he should, or shouldn't be doing, can do, can't do, remind him of things, give him the third degree or be too nosy about his life? If you do these things STOP. Do you talk to him too long? Keep it short. Keep it pleasant and casual.<br />
Why I am saying all this to you, is because I ignore my whole family, and it is because they did something big wrong and for some stupid reason they don't see what is so unbelievably obvious, they are always judging me, they are always comparing me to others, they do not accept me the way I am, they see me as damaged or incapable or dysfunctional or lesser, they treat me differently than everyone else in the family. But the person I hate the most is my mom and my uncle. And I have hurt them before unknowingly and I didn't care--because they deserved it and there is a good reason why. I AM NOT saying you are like my family, at all, maybe your son just has no respect for women and needs some. Or maybe it is some other reason. But I wanted to explain how I came to my insights or advices. My uncle has always acted like I am a freak of nature and am scary or laughable and I cannot stand that. I always feel awkward near him and we are opposites completely. I cannot stand it when someone is looking down on me all the time(they all do to some degree except my aunt). As for my mom, I hate her, I hate her so much. The reason is she was so so overprotective and is to this day and she treats me like a child no matter how old I am, and she does this to a degree I find really crazy!!! But it is not just that, it's the fact that she does NOT do this to my sister who is younger and she treats us totally differently and always has some excuse for it, and news in my family travels like wildfire, nothing is ever a secret. My mom is very nosy too, and will try to make me talk about things that are none of her business. She has tried to literally control my life before, and had succeeded in some cases.<br />
So just in case, I wanted to tell you to not be like my mom. I am not saying you are, but I wanted to tell you why I avoid my family, and why I hate some people more than others.

iamstillrighthere ~ thank you so much for sharing your story. I am sooo sorry about your daughter *hugs*<br />
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It's such a difficult age. I talked to him on the phone today and tried to relate to him how his behavior was hurting me. After talking a little while, I think he understood at least a little bit.<br />
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I'm empathic and I think he is also to a degree, so I think that helps.<br />
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Someone told me once that they have to get past their mid-twenties before coming around. Meanwhile, I guess we can only take it one day at a time.<br />
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I don't mind reading your stories... keep writing! I believe writing is therapeutic. <br />
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*hugs*

Hi, oh my i can sooooo relate. my 18 year old daughter who died 2 years ago, was sooo mean to me. i did do a few dumb things and i have had to struggle to forgive myself for my mistakes, etc. but in the end she was coming aournd and seemed to be accepting my fiance and my now step daughter who wouldve been her step sister. But it hurt soooo much everytime, she screamed at me instead of talking to me. i was a single parent, forever trying to make up for the missing parent. you give and you give and you give, and its never enough it seems. looking back on it now, so many things were not worth the struggle. STILL i gotta tell, you I have a step daughter who is the hardest child i have ever encountered. i knew it when i accepted my husbands proposal.. i loved the kid, wanted to help her, she was 9 years old and still having spin around tantrums on the floor, including irrational screaming and crying. When she died, i like vowed I wouldnt scream and i wouldnt do this or that,etc, but i still did. I am finally learning to control myself a bit, but children have the power to break u. i believe your son will come around, everyone who i know with the older kids, said the same thing, they will be back. my regret is i will never find that out with my daughter. The step daughter, i am finally having someluck. we are communicating better. i find i must be consistent and STRICK no matter what, no matter how mad she gets. and everyone says all kids act similiar, but sometimes, i think mine is the worst. I can also relate to the fact that your son nicer to dad and others, my deceased daugther did that. looking at it now, i know she knew it hurt me when she was nicer to her dad than me, as he really isnt a nice person. i dont want to let my self badmouth him. cause its not nice no matter what he did. but errrrrr...arggg... anyways, back to the step daughter i tried everything, talking to them, not talking punishing everything!!!! nothing worked. specially when i dont have the help of her dad, but that is another whole story and is only one part of it. right now, i am trying again with the step daughter, using the talking and being strickt and not being her friend, i had to tell her that, i am her MOTHER not a friend. But my daughter, i did anything she wanted just to have her be nice to me and i know that was wrong. she asked me to take her to her boyfriends house at 3am in the morning on a school nite and she was only 17. i am ashamed to say i did it. i did anything to make her forgive me. but i know i hurt her too. but we all hurt each other sometimes. i hope i didnt go to far past the original story. and i hope you dont mind reading so much, writing helps as much as reading sometimes. you know, it was my worst fear too when my beautiful little dawnie was a lttle girl. dont give up follow your heart and keep telling him you love him. peace you all <3

Oh, bless you, with rivers of thoughts of the good times between you and your son -- so many that they push out the hurtful memories that are being made today. He is young and the young have a hard time seeing past what's current sometimes. But not at all times and I am sure that there are times that he thinks about your relationship and his part in the disharmony. I raised four of my grandchildren for four years and for the last year my grandson did the very same thing. I allowed myself to become too wrapped up in the bad stuff and that made it worse. When I just stopped responding at all unless he was paying me a respectful visit that is what I then began to get from him... it took time and he had to see that it was his move and make it ... since it was he who put the distance between us. I left the door open and the ball in his court. I think he's finally growing up and learning that how you treat others does matter. I believe that your son will not choose to go through life without you in it and as he matures he will rectify the situation. Hugs to you, you need and deserve them, it's just another phase of raising your children and this too will pass.

Thank you - my husband/his dad is actually quite supportive and is always trying to correct his behavior, having firm talks with him, etc., and it does work well - for a little while, then he is right back to being mean sooner or later. <br />
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It's one of my greatest fears too and that's why it affects me so badly. I left him a voice message but he never called back. I have just been leaving him alone, but it is just so painful because I just can't handle anything that seems like rejection.

It certainly is hurtful. You did the right thing to tell him how you felt. Now just let him be. Teenagers are funny about most everything..parental control and their opinions , in general. Remain steadfast. You deserve more & hopefully he'll think things over. I hope your husband talks to him and is supportive of you.You must feel so bad..I hope it turns around.