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I'm Hurting

The past 12 years of my marriage has been so hard to deal with, i wish i never met this man. He has no idea what marriage is, or how to deal with issues. Sometimes i can't believe he has so many  insensitive self centered hang ups  that my heart gives up. The "I'm sorry" crap is still going on. Again to me when i say i'm sorry, it means that i will never do it again. For him it appeases the moment, and he forgets the the reason why he said it to begin with. We've been fighting for weeks at a time, yesterday about killed me emotionally. I thought it would be a good idea to put some pleasantness between us by consummating our marriage, to only hear him snoring. When we have these problems he leaves the solution up to me, when he should know what to do. I don''t expect anything so i'm not disapointed, The pain in this is so intense that i have put walls around my heart. My tears alone is not enough to make him stop.... please pray for me my friends. He's broken me down, today might be the day i give him back his rings, and he leaves forever...

I deserve so much better, i know that....
peachfuzz68 peachfuzz68 41-45, F 28 Responses Mar 5, 2012

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Thank you for all your positive advice and guidance, i appreciate them all very much.

you may find it helpful to give him David Chapman's book "The Five Languages of Apology".

I am not the Perfect husband but I ask My Lord Jesus for the strength and wisdom to be the best Husband and Father, I can be. This is why Christian families are accepting Sister wives to join their families. Nearly every book of the Bible condemns Adultery, yet some of the most Godly men had more than one wife.

Peachfuzz, I know that when things are bad in a relationship they seem like there is no hope in anything. I am not going to condone divorce or even say its ok. You mentioned that you thought he should make the decisions, but what if you both made a decision together. Is he willing to talk about the decisions you have to make? Are you able to talk and reason together? I know in my relationship, I do make all the decisions, but I don't always consult with my wife. And that is where I go wrong. As for saying I'm sorry, that is a guy thing for most guys. I say I'm sorry alot, but it is harder to correct a problem than it is to say I'm sorry. I know that is not what you wanted to hear, but that is just the plain truth.<br />
I once read a story about a couple, where the woman went for counseling on getting a divorce, she exclaimed that she could not go on any more and she wanted to hurt him, her husband, in as many ways as she could. The counselor told her to make her husband feel like the king of his castle. Make him feel loved, and do anything and everything you could do for him. Then when she was ready she could pull the rug out from under him and really hurt him bad. They made another appointment after about three months time. When the woman came in for her appointment, the counselor asked her if she was ready to cut the strings on her marriage and just put a hurtin' on her husband like nobody had ever done before. Her reply was, What? I took your advise and I cannot believe how much he has changed. He is a completely different person now. I wouldn't think of leaving him. He is the man I've always dreamed of. This is a true story.<br />
Sometimes the answer is not in what seems to be the obvious, but in the complete opposite of what we think we should do. There is a book called Don't Sweat the Small Stuff. You should check it out, it might help.<br />
Let me add also if you are in a physically abusive relationship, by all means get out and then decide what to do. But there is hope if you look in the right place.

I see what you mean my friend, thanks for sharing this.

It sure sounds like you went through alot of hurt in your realtionship with your ex-husband. I cannot and will not say or try to convince you that you didn't. Everything happens for a reason though. We go through hard times which define our characters. I know that when bad things or seemingly bad things happen to us we tend to point the finger at God and blame him. We say why did you let this happen to me. I thought you were suppose to be a kind God, but we forget about the devil in these hard times. We forget or we dont think that the devil being the great deciever puts these thoughts of blaming God in our heads.
God does not want to see bad things happen to anybody. He can use any situation for the good, but when we are just out there doing our own thing and not trying to come closer to Him every day, there is not much he can do for us because the one thing he will not do is control our minds. He will not make us do his will, He wants us to come to Him on our own, of our own free will. So when the devil sees an opportunity to turn us away from God, of course he takes advantage of it.
Anyway, back to the context of this note. When you just get tired of someone, there is still hope in the relationship, but when there is abuse or infidelity then other measures must be taken. I believe I wrote to peachfuzz, that if she was being abused then by no means should she stay in the relationshiop, That goes for her husband cheating on her as well, she should get out as quick as she can. However, if she is just tired of her relationship with her husband, that is no reason to divorce. God gave us all minds to think with and hands to work with and between the two, marraiges can be saved from boredom. Marraige is hard work for most of us, but is rewarding as well. Sometimes we all are hard to live with too, but again, that is no reason to divorce. I am astounded at how many couples these days expect to step into a marriage and expect everything to be rosey every day of thier existence. It just doesn't work that way. I heard another saying that goes: If you want to change someone else, try making changes in yourself first. It is so true.
By the way also, I don't happen to agree with you about the Bible being written by a bunch of patriarcle men. The Bible is a book that was written by some 40 authors across 2000 years of time and nowhere in the Bible does it ever contradict itself. That alone could not be done. Take 66 books on whatever subject you want and I will guarantee you that there will be contradictions between them. If there was no Spirit guiding those men how also did all those books become joined together, because there was alot of other Christian books written in the early centuries that did not make the cut. Study your history and it will become obvious.

I can relate entirely to what you are saying, i believe you are very right. Thank you for sharing this, it helps.

My heart goes out to you, yet i am confident that you did the right thing in the end. I can relate to what your saying, yes he hurt me beyond words. But i know i deserve so much better, i'm hopeful that god will be faithful to me and bless me for my great loss. I believe he has much happier moments of love waiting for me. I'm watchful for his sign. Blessings to you for sharing such a hard story, and sharing your pain, and your triumphs.

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Mb mrs bobbitt had the rite idea...lol...j/k!

lol

Oh my, I have lived with a man for almost 20 years that always leaves everything up to me. He is basically unemotional, unless it involves our kids, and then it is rare. He is not affectionate, and is inattentive. I have tried to leave soooo many times, there is no sex life, and I am to the point that I am not even attracted to him. I keep feeling guilty for wanting out, and thinking what would I do to take care of my kids, bills, etc. I have health issues, so that makes it all the more difficult. If you have the strength to get out, DO IT! I look back now and wonder why I didn't abandon ship before we had kids, the signs were all there. I guess I was just young, came out of a bad childhood, and wanted someone to love me. I guess at the end of the day, we all do! I admire your strength in making a decision to stand up for you!

Thank you so much my friend, i pray that you find the happiness you deserve!

I know how you feel in so many ways, he left eight years ago and i dont know why i stuck around. He let this drag on to the point where i lost interest in him. My love died along with my passion for him. Now hes just a neighbor, very little is left.

I really understand what you are going thru, i am suffering just like you. <br />
All i can say is, my friend trust in the Lord at all times, pray before you take a decision.

thanks i will

Divorce that man as soon as you can ,you heart will heal during the time you are away from him. once you are divoreced, feel free and do not get any man until you are ready for it. H from Sweden

I ended it all tonight, god was pulling at my heart to do this.

Was he like that before you married him? He maybe was hiding it then, putting on his best behaviour. <br />
I'm sorry for your pain. The world has so much pain but that does not make yours more bearable.

thank you my friend

How are you doing these days?

I'm doing better, thanks for caring, it means a lot to me.

Good to hear. Many have come out and offered you good advice and moral support i see.

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I don't know, honestly I havn't read many of your stories. Is he abusive? I'm not talking about emotional neglect, if we are honest with ourselves we all have been guilty of this at one time or another. If not, maybe its not time to throw in the towel just yet. Twelve years is a long time to throw away. I can only share a little of my life with you and hope it offers some help in the situation. Once upon a time I was very unhappy, disgruntled, hated my life, my husband, the world. One day I took a very hard look at my situation and realized everything wasn't his fault. The moment I knew that, and began to change what I could, meaning myself, things changed for the better. No, my darling man was not treeting me the way he should have been at the time, but guess what? I wasn't caring for him in the way he needed to be cared for either. Its hardly ever one sided, if it is, its truly abuse. If your relationship is abusive get out. But, if the two of you have only lost your way, it may be time to take a deeper look at the situation. Hope your heart finds the peace it craves.

peace to you and your kind words my friend, i ended it tonight.

Let it forget and start a new life with a new and real lesson of life.

The majority of these folks are correct...but only you can decide what you need and what you want to do. You've covered the first step by knowing that you're not happy and that things are not healthy in your life...think about staying for the next 1 yr, or 5 yrs or 10 yrs or 30 yrs...can you do it without feeling sick to your stomach or just feeling like you want to end life right now?<br />
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I was married for nearly 20 years to an emotionally abusive and controlling man. I married him for all the wrong reasons. I doubted myself, I believed that I couldn't raise my younger sibling by myself ... and that i was basically a screw-up. I thought that no one could love me or that I did not deserve anything or anyone better. I actually thought that since he didn't drink to get drunk, or hit either me or my brother that this would make a good marriage...but I didn't see or understand that there are other ways of abusing people. I wasted sooo much time in horrible marriage. <br />
<br />
Life is too short to allow someone to abuse you and belittle you throughout the years...it leaves you stuck in an emotional roller-coaster of self-hatred, hating your partner, hating life...and always feeling drained of energy or care for yourself.<br />
<br />
Whatever you decide to do it's not going to be easy, but should you decided to leave him...you'll open doors for yourself...doors that you've never thought possible and doors that you've never thought about...focus on you and what you need and want.

I've been there my friend, i understand

When we recall our bad experience about our first marriage failure,suffering and pains, Its seem like we are In hell, for get these hells, do not inter in them, look to the next coming take a new step, Life is too short and our youth time is more short.
We belong to different geographical locations but how same our feeling are.
I am so happy with my second wife having four young kids .
And great understanding and love,

Hmm. As corny as it sounds I haave been there. I lived a very unhappy 18 years with a woman who knew nothing about intimacy or love. Boy could she spend money! She knew how to play the game of emotional blackmail. Funny enough all her girl friends used to subtially hit on me...ironically ( ifound out later) she was sleeping with their husbands!!<br />
Well finally she left me for someone else. Bringing up my two daughters as a single Dad did put a back bone in me....today I am ...I think ,a stronger but still nice sort of guy I look for honesty, and respect....you cannot have love nor a meaniful relationship without those two vital elements equally contributed by both parties.<br />
<br />
Don't suffer....seek your freedom

Thank you my friend, i have a lot of choices to make, but they must be for constructive and right reasons. I'm trying very hard to deal with this, its not easy.

You need to get away from this man , you deserve better , and after 12years you need to accept that he won't change and that he can carry on saying sorry , and making excuses but it won't make anything any better anymore , it's to late and the damage has been done. Even though it must be hard , don't cry in front of him , because it shows him that you have a weakness for him and for men that gives them an advantage , and they can manipulate you at your most vunerable straight. You deserve someone who is goig to make you happy everyday and but a smile on you face on tears of happiness , not sadness. It will be hard at the begining but things will get better , a year from now you will look back and ask yourself why you put up for it for so long . I know you love him , but sometimes love just isn't enough , and you need to move on. Good luck to you , best wishes (:

Yes i know, the reality i shouldn't have to deal with, yet it remains.

You are in my prayers bless you

Thank you my friends!

Marriage is work -- no doubt. But noone deserves to be so unhappy. If he is not doing all he can to make it work, then I wouldn't suggest that you play tug of war and pull alone. Its sad to say but its best you leave rather than make yourself even sicker emotionally. You ought to give him an ultimatum: its either we work on this marriage to make it better or you can go back to being a bachelor. Simple. You deserve better.<br />
<br />
My thoughts and prayers are with you, take care.<br />
<br />
Anna

I know my friend, thank you! i honestly think he may have a learning disability...

Oh sweetheart I really feel sorry for u. Just as some people here have said, u deserve somtin better u don't have to suffer this way. U'll always be in my thots n prayers. L♥√ع you.

Thank you my friend, love and joy i sent to you!

sweet heart i feel for you.its the ladies who mostly carry the burden of the family and go through all the hardships.no matter how broken you feel your marriage is there is light at the end of the turnnel.broken marriage affect the children mostly.my adivise take time and take your matter before God ,he is a faithful God he will never fail you.you always hve a choice to build a wall or a bridge.search deep inside for that special thing that you loved and cherished about him.

I know my friend, thank you, ur very kind.

Its sound like you have end this marriage in your heart, but you haven't shout it out yet . listen to your deep voice that God give us. God says stand still and back away from this marriage end tonight and dont look back.... we pray to God for answers , God answer but we want our way , God plan is never complete it .....we stop God and did our way... like we pray to God , please I want a new job , its kill me , so we get fire , we get out of control cry , It was God work , God has a better job for us, we are too blind to see, we did pray. God has better future down the road lets it go, .. that is my thinking ....

Its very hard but i know what i must do, thank you so much!

hug.... hon, if you are disappearing, losing yourself..lost yourself....stop!! Please love yourself! be true to what you need and want... when you are really the only one that can give what is needed..wanted. don't wait till you are my age neither... giggles... sorry.. starting over at any age is terrible, hard. so i wish you strength and hope you do what is right for "you!" Blessings to ya!

i hear your heart my friend and i cherish it.

your man is immature superficial. of cource you deserve something better.i hope God gives you the power to get through to this problem the faster the better and get back the life you deserve.

bless you my friend

I'm sorry to hear about what you're going through.<br />
If you don't mind me bringing this up -- I'd seen my own parents have a really bad relationship: he played mind-games, acted childish and like a drama-queen, he put everything on my mother, emotionally-abused her, and etc.<br />
<br />
I feel sad that you've been on suicide watch. :(<br />
If you ever want somebody (online) to talk about anything...just message me. I hate to think someone is going through such sadness and/or anxiety. I know what it's like -- although due to different circumstances.<br />
I hope that everything gets better for you; you can survive this, you were given strength to survive and God will provide! I'll be praying for you. :)

blessings to you my dear friend, i love your words never stop doing this.

That Is Definitely Not Love! Marriage is love, adoration, respect, happiness, etc., every day!

yes i know

I'm sorry honey .. i spent 18 months with someone who would cause petty arguments and no matter how i reacted would become verbally abusive, couple of days on he would be sorry and beggin forgiveness .. the arguments became more frequent and the abuse would top the last one week in week out .. i was emotionally drained and having suicidal thoughts by the time i decided to walk away i realised nothing was going change and there was no future in this .. i can't imagine dealing with that for years on end .. i hope you find the strength to do what is right for you .. ((hugs))

Thank you my friend, i have been on suicide watch for three years now. I know how you feel. Thank you for your kind words.

While I am aware that there are always two sides to any story and we don't know his. I can say that abuse comes in many forms. Having read your soul poured out in your story the sometimes overlooked. underplayed emotional abuse seems to be the case here. No woman period deserves to be abused in anyway in particular emotional abuse. God never meant for a strong, capable woman to cower to psychological games and abuse. No, in fact He stated just the opposite that a man should treat His woman as He himself would treat the gift of a woman. Every woman should feel as they are a gift to their husband/ significant other.....as he too should feel he is a gift to her.....you deserve whatever your heart is telling you deserve.........imho...(:

Thank you my friend

You deserve much better - split now

I know i'm young but i watched my mom live in an unhappy marriage for 14 years. She thought she couldnt make it without him and that she needed him for financial support, as well as her belief that she couldnt do any better. One day, he hit my mom, and me, being 15 years old and a mommas girl, stood up and punched him in the face. He punched me back, but that was all my mom needed to finally kick him to the curb. Not even a year later, she was a totally different person, happy, free, and she was only sorry she hadnt done it sooner. There is no point staying in a miserable union with someone, not even for the kids because children know when their parents arent happy. If you spend more time being unhappy in your relationship than actually enjoying it, is it really truly worth it when life is so short anyway?

You have wisdom beyond your years my friend! thank you for helping me, and sharing your story.

i would like to add that even tho a year later my mom was happy and a different person, that does not mean she didn't go through immense pain during that year it took her to get better. She tried to kill herself in front of me, i had to wrestle the knife out of her hands, she was going to cut her wrists. She was put into a mental facility for a week or so after that. It was extremely rough for awhile but she got over it, and so will you, no matter how much it hurts at first. Oh gosh i just wish you so much luck for the future sweetheart.

I was there myself,for 13 years,but I broke free 3 years ago...not without loosing something along the way though! But my mother has been going through the same thing for 22 years,and now she is dying slowly do to diabetes...but she is till in this toxic relationship..Peachfuzz girl she is about the same age at you,so listen up,or ummm read up..hehe
The abuse my mother has endured from this very toxic,abusive,and negative man have been so horrible..he is making her sleep on the floor,and and throws his suppper back at her if it is cold! She does not deserve this as much as you do not deserve this kind of treatment! I have been feeding her nothing but love and a positive attitude! And I believe she is ascending really fast towards leaving this man behind. But the only thing right now is that my little 21 year old sister is having a baby in September. There is no way she is leaving Andy (my sister) behind. They live in Oklahoma,and I live way up on Northern Illinois! So all I can do at this point is feed her nothing but gods positive energy to help her along the way in this Journey! My god bless your heart my friend! &lt;3

my dear may i take that advice....

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yes, you do deserve better....bless your heart dear

Thank you my sweet friend!